Back to School

Returning to school after nine years comes with a fair share of challenges. You find that your brain isn't as sharp as it used to be in high school. Then you realise you have become an expert procrastinator, which isn't a good thing when pursuing a postgraduate level course. You also realise your hands don't cooperate anymore when writing down notes at a fast pace and your handwriting is now worse than a third grader's.

In addition to the above, I've also jumped into a science course after nearly a decade of not working in a related field (okay, maybe volunteering occasionally at the zoo counted for a little). The consequence of this is that I found myself in a class of mostly younger people who are more qualified, focused and academically sharper.

I've had to adapt to some new behaviours too. No one eats with cutlery here unless they have some kind of hand injury. Some restaurants look unhygienic and makes stomachs cringe. Students here also are used to eating together and sharing lunches. This is an effective arrangement to minimise food wastage and save money. It was a little awkward at first and years of being psychologically put down as a left-hander made me wonder if my lunch mates feel uncomfortable sharing food with me. But my two lunchmates seem to take no notice and they even voluntarily eat vegetarian food with me just so one half of a packed lunch does not go to waste.

On a related note and coming from Singapore where good hygiene is overly emphasized to reduce the spread of diseases, I find it appalling that a vast majority of public toilets in Sri Lanka do not have soap to wash hands. Even my institute that calls itself a leader in postgraduate Science education does not provide soap in the student toilets. I once voluntarily left a piece of soap for public use. Now it's over and needs replacing. I guess I'm going to be the unsung toilet hero that helped reduce the spread of gastrointestinal and respiratory infections in female students till the end of 2017. I now also carry a small bottle of hand wash wherever I travel.

Singing on class (field) trips in my native language is also something I am not used to. I have not actively paid attention to pop culture in my country for about twelve years so I've missed a lot. I also grew up in a multicultural setting in all educational institutions I've been to so it was hard to find songs for which everyone knew the lyrics to. And even for the English ones which everyone knew (mostly from singing class), we had no capable musical conductors to take the lead or musicians who could play a guitar or the conga drums. Anyhow, for this trip, I had to settle to mostly clapping and joining only when classics and songs older than twelve years were sung. I must admit, these students are very experienced at musical entertainment and even carry tiny song books with them!

"Conga" drums are a must-have on all long distance group trips in Sri Lanka. 
(Image source: Tremuloumusic)

After a couple of months here, I've started to fit in, find ways to promote harmony and feel humbled observing those around me. In most ways, I have an easy life. I live closer to the university than most (about 15 km away). I don't have a full time job or dependents to tend to, which is highly advantageous when pursuing studies. Though lacking in core subject knowledge and work experience, my English standard is above the class average which also helps. There are students who work full time jobs and travel hundreds of kilometers from various corners of the country, enduring a lot of hardships every weekend just to come for lectures. Some stay alone in hostels for the weekend and not see their families for many months on end. Some, I also learnt, do serious hands-on work in their respective environmental fields and are working hard with the goal to move onto better opportunities outside this country.

Lack of privilege is a cruel thing. If some of these driven, hardworking and capable students had the same privileges and opportunities I was fortunate enough to have while growing up, I'm sure they would have put it to better use and be in much better places by now.

According to an interesting interactive tool from the BBC called "How equal are you?", Sri Lanka ranks 84 in terms of gender equality.

 That's a positive sign too. Although, the same tool also states that only 39% of women are currently in a job or looking for work. This could imply that a vast proportion of female university graduates eventually take up stay-at-home roles (temporarily or otherwise).

In our class of 24 students, the female to male ratio is about 50:50. About 30% make up minority ethnicities. In a country that was war-torn for two and a half decades and where racial tensions with other minorities still bubble beneath the surface, one's race is a sensitive issue. When I first joined the course, I could feel the walls that the students erected around themselves and their comfort groups. There was hardly any mixing around.

Two months later, as we get to know each other better, core personalities are becoming apparent. Some are clearly leaders who like to take charge. They like to be the voice of the class and take the trouble to gather everyone on social media or worry about refreshments for everyone on class trips. Some are the suspicious and distant types who are not yet ready to be vulnerable with others. Some are the responsible types who assist the leaders and are given jobs that require accountability like being class monitors or photocopying precious notes for the whole class. Some are the leech-y types who like to take shortcuts and form alliances to receive advantages. Some are the helpful types who help other students with information, lecture notes or teach them how to do complex calculations. Some are comedians who maintain an air of lightness and joy. Some are good musicians who entertain everyone during class trips. Some are like neutrons. They keep a good balance by doing nothing good or nothing bad (this also helps reduce too much negativity).

Then there's me. I see myself as a neutral party that closely observes this fascinating ecosystem and occasionally anticipates and springs to action if someone needs help or something needs to be done to bridge gaps or maintain harmony.

It won't be long before we are more united as a class. After two field trips and some group projects, the walls between different races are very slowly coming down, trust is building up and people are connecting on a human level. Like for example, we were in groups of six in each safari vehicle during our last trip to Kaudulla National Park. At first, they laughed at me for putting on sunscreen lotion. Then they changed their minds and borrowed my lotion. Later the idiots thanked me for helping them minimise exposure to harmful UV radiation. Soon after, everyone was asking each other's life histories, work places, ages, showing photos of their partners, joking about being bald, exchanging phone numbers to keep in touch, congratulating some who just became new parents or newly engaged, etc.

Most of these migratory elephant herds spotted at Minneriya National Park last month have moved through the Elephant Corridor at Kaudulla-Minneriya to Kaudulla National Park. 

We went on a field trip to Kaudulla National Park see elephants, other mammals and loads of birds. Thanks to the sharp eyes of our lecturer and the collective group, we spotted a Ruddy mongoose, Golden jackals, Toque macaques, Grey langurs and the Sri Lankan axis deer for mammals (that's 6 out of a reported 24 mammals in this park). The lecturer is a huge fan of birds so he was clearly biased towards them and had to help us out in identifying nearly 35 species of birds (out of a reported 160 species of birds). Honestly, some types of birds looked the same to me so I have a lot to catching up to do to become familiar with identifying birds. And just to make my day complete with reptiles, we spotted a Water monitor lizard, Common garden lizard and a freshwater testudine that looked like an Indian black turtle (that's 3 out of 25 reported reptiles).

Overall, it was a fun trip and perhaps a sign of good things to come.

Sweet delirium

This is a true story. In the event that the moral of this story becomes unclear, it is this: if you don't use a certain skill, you lose it.

My father who was an Engineer by profession is very good in his mathematics. I doubt there was anyone to match him in the family, except maybe his father. There's a small chance I am being biased, but there was never a mathematics problem he couldn't solve for me. Whenever I hit a brick wall in my school mathematics, my father was the last resort I turned to. Yes, the last.

That's because in asking him how to arrive at a simple answer like for my secondary school homework, I almost always ended up getting a 1-2 hour long lecture on how to derive the formula for the area of a circle or how to calculate large sums in my head without writing it down (calculators back then were a big No). With my very short attention span, it didn't take long before I lost interest and fidgeted in my seat. I sometimes thought of clever ways to expedite the lecture like cheating at mental math calculations by counting with my fingers under the table. I'm sure he saw right through me, but he never gave up and had the patience of a saint to repeat things. I didn't fully appreciate it much back then, but the mental training helped me greatly to cope and have a sustained interest in the subject till I passed high school. After that, I didn't have to use mathematics that much. And then came mobile phones with calculators. And Microsoft Excel with formulas to think for you.

For him, it was always about understanding the logic behind a calculation and breaking it down to the basics before attempting to solve it. Any seemingly ugly and complicated problem becomes clearer and simpler when you break it down to its roots. That logic even applies to life in general! And if any teacher succeeds in making students see mathematics in this light, it probably won't be the enemy it is today and more students might enjoy the challenge of finding solutions to mathematics problems.

Every subject has its own merits and demerits. For me, mathematics in school used to be a refreshing change to all the abstract, illogical, grey and subjective answers that other subjects accepted. No matter how you arrived at an answer, you either got the right answer or you didn't. Anyone made to understand the logic behind arriving at the answer, should theoretically arrive at the same solution. So it's no surprise that literature, poetry and art weren't my best friends in school and I struggled a lot with interpreting the true meanings and intentions behind certain words, phrases and actions. I still struggle with those sometimes.

A lot of people complain about what a waste of time primary and secondary schooling was and how we aren't using most of what we learnt, or remember anything for that matter. Some say that if we spent more time doing something related to a profession as early as possible, they would be a lot more successful in life. Well, probably. But how can anyone know what it is that we were going to end up doing? How can we know what our strengths and interests are without being put through different tests?

Besides being a convenient way to keep energetic children confined in one place for several hours, school is a place that gives exposure to various subjects and opens minds. It's not all a fun experience and every time I see small weary kids being dropped off school buses lugging heavy bags, I think to myself "Oh thank goodness I'm not in their shoes!". Even subject matter learnt in university for thousands of dollars becomes forgettable and redundant after a few years.

My take is that under pressure and repetitive actions, places like these are where our neurons become programmed to think in certain patterns and our brain makes complex connections which we don't always understand in full. And these complex associations come to our aid later as we make sense of the world around us and act out. School also helps to develop discipline, build character and social skills as we are forced to interact with other humans. So really, the subject knowledge that one graduates with is as temporary as the paper that one's degree conferment is printed on. The only way to retain some of that knowledge or any skill for that matter is by putting it to practical use. In the end, we are only as good as what we practice the most.

I'm not sure how much of all that made sense because a short while ago at the doctor's, I was told my immune system is compromised with a flu bug and that I'm infectious.

I've been tasked with the burden of keeping house-related accounts. And to finally arrive at the point of this blog, last week a nearly 30-year old me, messaged my father to ask how to calculate a simple secondary school mathematics problem. I asked Ryuu first, but although the answer was correct, I received a suspicious "$12 isn't much. Just pay it yourself and ask them to buy you dinner later" answer, after which I had concerns about Ryuu's current mathematical abilities.

The moment I sent that message, I got a call from my father right away. Really, it didn't warrant a call? Turns out my mother intercepted the message, read the first line and jumped into the speedy conclusion that I was having a mental breakdown and pushed my father to call me. I kid not. After misunderstandings were cleared by both parties, we had a good laugh.

My logic was flawed. The simple answer was 9x + 30x = 52

It was a little embarrassing, but family tends to forgive.

In other developments, captive rhinos are a lot gentler than I assumed. Two massive rhinos ran us to get a token feed of bananas (and stayed behind a big log) last weekend. They had huge slobbering lips. Giraffes are a lot faster than I imagined. One moment I had a carrot stick in my hand and in a split second, a long prehensile tongue appeared and the carrot stick vanished.

Our competitors from training last week extended a friendly gesture by inviting the losing team (that's us) to join them in sharing the prize of feeding these giant herbivores

Reptiles Rock!

Several weeks of training as a Docent have come to an end. Next week is the assessment. I'm quite nervous, knowing I can manage the theory, but perhaps not so well for the public speaking element of it.

For all my life, I have deliberately avoided situations and opportunities that involved any type of public speaking. And at age 27, I am feeling the consequences of it. On a positive note, it's comforting to know I have taken steps to work through it and in the spirit of doing something I love, I have conditioned myself to be okay with failing, taking feedback from the trainers and practicing it until I get it right. The other day, I was watching a TED talk and the speaker mentioned that in a survey conducted, "Death" was rated as the No. 4 fear, while "Public Speaking" was the first most feared thing that a majority had picked. That means most people felt that dying was a better alternative to giving a speech!

I can relate, actually. I recall many years back, I had to give a speech in school as one of the newly appointed Head Prefects. Back then, I would have happily turned down the title just so I can avoid giving The Speech before hundreds of people that included my family, teachers and friends, but that was not an option. With lots of help in rehearsing the lines and moral support from my best bud in school, I survived that fateful day. I could not feel my legs for most part of the speech, but that wasn't the worst part! Nearer to the end of my speech, my attention got fixated on a small child sitting at one of the furthest rows and I blanked out on my words. I made a quick comeback (I can't be too sure for how long I was gone) by repeating where I left off and got on with the rest of it, but I have not voluntarily opted to go through such an experience up until now!

Why is this a commonly occurring phobia in the human psychology? Here are some tips to help.

My highlight yesterday was getting to handle the live exhibit at our station (a small Royal Python aka, a Ball Python) while returning it to its enclosure. It was such a magnificent (non-venomous) creature that for a brief moment, I felt the selfish fascination that drives some people to go to great lengths to acquire them as pets and why the illegal pet trade still thrives. It was very pretty, soft and I was so mesmerised by how it glided so effortlessly along my hand! Part of me kept thinking please let me take it home for a day, I promise I will look after it well, but the sensible part of me reminded that the initial desire of owning one wears off and they belong in the wild in their natural habitats and not in our homes (in less-than-ideal conditions) for our entertainment.

Royal Pythons, being small-sized and docile, are sought out pets leading to much efforts by authorities to combat illegal trafficking and trade of these animals

Live animals are a great conversation starter with visitors. It is very easy to capture their attention as they are naturally curious and use it as an opportunity to educate them. They like to hear things they didn't already know about the animals. Here's an example; Why is a Royal Python also called a Ball Python? Answer: No, it's not the skin patterns, it's because they curl into a tight ball when threatened and hide the head safely inside, so that a predator finds it too big to be eaten. Yesterday, I met twin girls of about five years of age, who were highly fascinated by a stuffed crocodile specimen. They asked me, with the most serious attitude on their faces, "Does this crocodile have a brother crocodile and a sister crocodile?". For a moment there, I stumbled to think of a satisfactory answer. Trying not to laugh, I had to tell them, "Yes, he does". The experiences gained during visitor interactions can vary and are anything but predictable.

It's been great looking forward to the training sessions every Sunday. The facts I have been learning about crocodiles, alligators, gharials, snakes, lizards, turtles, tortoises and terrapins each week have been extremely interesting! And to go back each week with new knowledge of these animals and observe them for real is like seeing them through a new layer of understanding and respect. The more I learn, the more intrigued I am by the evolutionary connections they share with other species. Crocs are the closest living cousins to dinosaurs and they have not changed much in structure for over 200 million years (no need to, they are perfect as they are!). To think they are extensively killed for their hides to make handbags, shoes and the like is depressing (why aren't we humans born with naturalistic intelligence by default?). It's even baffling to learn that crocs are more closely related to birds than lizards, and how their four-chambered hearts are structurally similar to those of birds and mammals. Python skeletons have small vestigial limbs (showing that at one time in history, their ancestors walked and eventually found no use for it!). Then, some lizards have no limbs (they lost the use of them over time). Cool stuff.

Crocodilians - the ultimate mean machines of the wild, but not so appreciated for the crucial roles they play in nature as sanitation squads and in keeping prey populations under control

Ahhh, there are SO MANY interesting facts to learn and share about reptiles! I can't wait to start...

The Retreat

This post takes me back in time to a little over 11 years ago. I must have been sixteen years old then.

First of all, I have to credit my mother for throwing me in bizarre life experiences from a very early age. As much as we disagree to agree on things very often, she has played a pivotal role in what I turned out to be. The independent, the obstinate, the adventurous, the neurotic, the creative, the paranoid, the empathetic - all these traits of mine can traced to her in more ways than one.

While most children after finishing their Ordinary Level exams go on holidays or get extra time to watch TV until the results came, my mother packed me off on a 10-day meditation retreat. There was going to be no communication with the world outside (even with family) for 10 days after the retreat started. I don't know how she did it, but she even managed to convince parents of four other friends of mine to send their children off to the same place.

So off we went with bags packed. There was some comfort in knowing we had each other. On the evening before Day 1 started, we were given the briefing. Having 'agreed' to giving a fair chance to this technique for the next 10 days, we were advised on rules to be strictly followed during our time there:

1. Noble silence. Seriously. No talking with anyone, except with a teacher or the management for important matters.
2. No intentional killing of animals (including pests) or any other living organisms, no stealing things, no sexual activity, no lying, no consumption of alcohol or smoking.
3. Food is purely vegetarian and there is no dinner (except for first-timers and people with health concerns).
4. No use of phones or computers. No reading, writing or other forms of entertainment.
5. No make up, fancy jewelry, strong perfumes, etc. Wear simple, comfortable and decent clothes.
6. Agree to follow instructions given by the teachers and not do your own thing as this defeats the purpose of coming here.
7. Discontinue any religious rituals, exercise routines or other meditation techniques for these 10 days in order to give a fair trial to the technique.
8. No physical contact with anyone and there will be segregation of the sexes.
9. Do your own laundry by hand.

The daily timetable was as follows:

4:00 am                - Morning bell (No hiding under bed sheets, they will fish you out. Believe me, I tried)
4:30-6:30 am        - Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am        - Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am        - Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am      - Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon  - Lunch break
12noon-1:00 pm    - Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm        - Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm        - Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm        - Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm        - Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm        - Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm        - Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm        - Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm        - Question time in the hall
9:30 pm                - Retire to your own room

The place was absolutely beautiful, perched high up on a hill, surrounded by cloudy mountains, close to nature with clean air to breathe and far from the disturbances of civilization. Rooms were comfortable with all basic amenities. The food was healthy and delicious (okay, I'll admit meal times were a favourite time of the day for me) and everything was managed by volunteers who quietly made sure we had everything we needed to carry on with our tasks. There were participants both male and female, from all walks of life, from all corners of the globe. The course didn't demand any cash payment for instructions, food or facilities - donations of any proportion were welcome though. The funding for these courses came from such donations and helping staff were those who volunteered their time after passing similar retreats themselves as students.

The meditation technique itself was nothing too complex or religious, it was mostly breathing exercises followed by Vipassana. The first few days were utterly and purely horrifying. The schedule was extremely rigorous. 10 hours of the day were to be spent in quiet meditation. Bodily pains were sometimes unbearable. I heard and lived with the loud thoughts in my head for most of the day. Waking up at 4:00am and hearing that blasted gong, I wanted to cry when I knew I could not roll back to sleep. The ultimate battle with the mind (and body) began - trying to focus on breathing was not easy as it sounds. Close to meal times, I was plagued with thoughts like "Hmm, I wonder what's for lunch today.." and waited impatiently for the bell to go off which signaled that the dining hall lay ready for us. Some days, I got greedy, ate too much and paid the price while trying to sit and focus in discomfort. A huge percentage of participants looked like they wanted to run away. Few even did and we noticed their empty seats!

In the first two days, all five of us cracked down under pressure to adjust to the routine while trying to keep silent. In fact, we managed to speak a little and secretly exchanged letters because we didn't want to go crazy over the silence. It wasn't easy writing, reading or even exchanging letters unseen to other meditators. But we got very creative at doing this. Letters pouring with emotions, frustrations and gossip about block-mates and fellow meditators were very discreetly exchanged while passing each other in corridors or left in the crevice of a special tree for drop off and pick up. Afterwards, these were read in toilets and rooms when no one was around. There were lots of interesting sentiments shared. Like one of them had to share a room with an old woman who farted and burped a lot and all her clothes and sheets smelled bad. She also told us how she dreamt that Iraq finally found Darth Vader's planet and she was informed about it. Another told of how she was horrified when one of her block mates stripped down naked when changing. In the dining hall was a white board with the list of all participants and we tried to guess which names belonged to which faces. We also tried to guess which ones were couples by observing body language of female and male participants during meal times, where they dined in close proximity. Someone in my block kept a stash of biscuits with her for emergencies and this was attacked by a big rat on the second day (Hah! the irony. We were not supposed to be snacking at odd times). For me, I happened to see the first ever G-string drying on a clothes line in my block and I was quite bewildered by it. Sometimes, it was hard not to giggle when we passed by each other. What was certain was that we were highly distracted and agitated.

We didn't get too far with all that, however. We were caught and given a strict warning by the teachers.

And that warning stuck. Embarrassed and feeling weak-willed, each one of us, one by one got serious and followed through till the end of the course. For the rest of the days, we barely looked at each other or spoke. The routine got easier to manage. Under the guidance of the teachers, there was serious work to be done individually. There were interesting self-discoveries made. There were lots of observations made, even when not meditating. The rules that once seemed strict, helped minimise distractions and disturbances to all meditators. As the retreat drew to an end, everyone felt happy and calm here. There was even a slight sense of dread about going back home to chaos.

On the 10th day, the silence was finally lifted off. It was as if we had forgotten to speak or rather, had too much to tell but didn't know where to start! Everyone seemed so happy for various reasons - braving through the retreat, having experienced significant changes in their attitudes, being able to finally talk and wanting to share the experiences. We finally got to speak to the people we only watched for 10 days. It was as if we had known each other for a very long time. It's quite hard to put into words the spirit that engulfed the air that day.

Looking back, it was a like a boot camp that required much trust in the retreat, patience, determination, effort and strength of mind. The transformation and sharpness of mind experienced at the end of the retreat was phenomenal. So was the joy in being able to manage the ups and downs in life calmly and finding more meaningful pursuits in life later on. Of course, we were warned that this effect would only last only as long as we remained mindful of our thoughts and actions, i.e. continue to practice. And true enough as time went on, most of us got caught up in the usual mode of life, neglected on regular practice and most of the old habits, attitudes, thought patterns and perspectives crept back into the personality. We occasionally talk about how nice it would be to go on a retreat again as it is similar to a 'detox' and some un-cluttering every now and then would be ideal. But it is not easy to spend that many days on a retreat with the demands of a job, especially with limited annual leave. 

After this interesting experience, the five of us have remained a very special gang of friends and continue to organise 'conferences' on Skype when we agree on a convenient time that suits five countries in three continents - United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Sri Lanka and Singapore. The past 11+ years have seen us go through so much change. Yet, a conversation with them today feels not much different to one we had back in our school days. We rarely speak of meditation or philosophies now but mostly love to catch up, gossip and support each other in tough times.

What prompted me to write this blog was recently, one of them scanned and sent the rest of us a few of the letters we exchanged back then. Oh, it was gold.