The world of superstition and black magic

Every man is his greatest enemy, and, as it were, his own executioner

- Sir Thomas Brown

Of late, I have stepped into a weird parallel universe of superstition and black magic. Here, Science and rational thinking are dead.

(Image source: ILoveFunnyCats)

Black magic is surprisingly common, from voodoo magic in Africa or Gu in China, to what's practiced here. Although the people of these cultures have never met each other or are related in any way, they have developed similar theories and belief systems. It's sort of like convergent evolution, where organisms not closely related evolve independently to have similar traits as a result of having to adapt to similar environments. So maybe it all stems from a certain common trait in the human mind. 

I'm not a believer, but I think the success in black magic lies in its ability to plant tiny seeds of suspicion, fear and hate in the minds of people and have them slowly grow into a garden of mental paranoia.

For example, the nun, I am told, is responsible for the fine white sand we see at our workstations each morning. I'm made to believe that she chants and curses fistfuls of sea sand and leaves these cursed grains in places where the person of interest (i.e. the target of the curse) tramples it. In this case, a colleague of mine. In the early days when this phenomenon started, we were able to laugh it off as a ridiculous act. However, over the course of two weeks, I have been observing my colleague's attitudes slowly changing from one of apathy to mild irritation to hatred. So, black magic works?

I have little faith in curses and prayers. If they worked, we would be having world peace right now and no child would ever have experienced rape.

The business of black magic runs on the assumption that many bad people out there want to make your life miserable through certain black magic techniques and that it is possible to shield yourself through other black magic techniques. So the cause of harm and the antidote are from the same source, like snake venom? Hmm... interesting. Most horror stories about the power of black magic are spread by believers, who indirectly help the practitioners stay rich. Hardly any of these stories appear factual, verifiable or proven by empirical means.

Like holy water for vampires, the shielding effects of black magic are supposedly rendered completely useless by simply sprinkling oil made of pigs. Yes, who knew pigs were the kryptonite to evil spirits!

Another time, when I was living in a rented apartment alone, the house owner who is also a staunch believer of black magic, hired a man to perform some rituals. Some time before that, he got into a fight with his half sibling over property issues. In the scuffle involving knives, he was stabbed on his hand. Since the incident, his dependency on black magic has only intensified. The rituals included sacrificing a live chicken and requesting to enter the apartment at 2:00 am, with another man, to cut lime fruit to ward of evil spirits and bury small bottles of blessed oil in the corners of the house for extra protection. Of course, I didn't stay the night in that apartment and since he informed me a few hours earlier, I bolted home (152 kilometers away) almost immediately. A few weeks after the incident, we handed our notice of termination. Now if he paid the man a large sum of money to make us end the contract sooner, so he can have the house back, then I'd say it was money well spent on black magic.

This house owner spends his days under the delusion that people around him (like his half sibling) are out to kill him and take away his property. So he too, chants at night, spends on people who claim that they can help him and regularly performs superstitious rituals. Recently when we came home from a break, we found oil sprinkled on the floor, for which we couldn't find a better explanation. However, it appears even he has a bit of doubt in his mind about black magic, because he still relies on CCTV cameras. 

Humans dislike the feeling of not being in control. Believers of black magic are common in less educated societies and countries with harsher living conditions. Even better educated people become believers due to their upbringing or inexplicable or helpless circumstances in life. They turn to supernatural explanations to try to make sense of negative occurrences. They are gullible to being convinced by people who promote black magic. They may be compelled to go to any lengths to try to get ahead and get what they want. An instruction like "sprinkle this (unidentified) powder in the food of your enemy" would be religiously executed. For all we know, this powder could be a concoction of heavy metals or diluted poison that can make someone sick over time. Or maybe free lance evil spirits who like to negotiate really exist and they take up small jobs in return for chicken blood, for example? 

Salt is an item of superstition in some households. Emptying the bottle of salt in a home is akin to a curse, according to my mother, her mother and many others I know. Salt that is accidentally spilled must be thrown over one's right shoulder. Funny incident though, one time, I emptied the salt container in the house (to refill later in the evening) and went on about my usual business. That evening, unlike most other days, I had an incident where I was left quite shaken. Coincidence, or not? Should I repeat this experiment to see if I get a similar result? * laughs nervously *

People in Sri Lanka are commonly seen feeding bread to crows (or children made to feed crows by their parents) during bad times predicted by astrologers. Some give specially prepared milk rice to crows in an almost religious-like ceremony. When I was younger, I was also once made a participant of this ritual. This particular superstition takes me to my next story.

Recently, I moved houses temporarily. On the day I checked out, I packed all my belongings to a tuk tuk and left to office. On my way, about 2 kilometers from my office, I noticed a crow fluttering about on the concrete road divider. There was heavy vehicle flow on both rides of the road. My conscience starting torturing me for the next two kilometers. How could you have left an injured animal to die on the road? Would you have liked to be left behind helplessly on the road to die like that? Can you imagine the fear that animal is feeling right now?

About 500 metres from the office, I asked the tuk tuk driver to turn back. It is probably too late already and the bird would have been run over by now. We had to hover the area twice to locate the bird. The driver stopped the tuk tuk next to the road divider, and amidst many honking vehicles and impatient drivers, we tried to grab the bird with my wet towel, that moments ago I had used to dry my hair. The bird wasn't ready to cooperate. It fluttered around, unable to fly. It went under the tuk tuk and we feared it was only a matter of time before it was run over by incoming traffic. Then to our horror, it fluttered helplessly to the middle of the road! We stopped the traffic and shooed it to the opposite edge of the road, where the tuk tuk driver grabbed it by a wing. I then threw the towel over it and grabbed the bird. Another driver stopped his lorry to hurl profanities at the tuk tuk driver. He left when I apologised and told him there was an injured animal.

After a dramatic rescue, the crow came with me to the office. I forgot to ask for the tuk tuk driver's name or thank him for being a great asset on our morning mission. The crow looked like it had a broken spine. My superstitious animal-loving colleague and I managed to feed it a bit of water. She said it was an act of great merit (i.e. good karma) to rescue an animal. On the contrary, I thought it is a responsibility any decent human should undertake if they are in a position to take action. 

Breathing hard in pain, yet, it never pecked us. They say crows are some of the most intelligent birds around.

With a badly broken back. The two tail feathers were perpendicular to the bird's body. 

After getting in touch with someone who works closely with the wildlife rescue center in Colombo, my colleague and I dropped off the bird at his place. A few days later he told me the crow was eating well, but it may never fly again. Unfortunately, that was the best outcome of the rescue mission. Part of me wondered if being run over swiftly by a vehicle would have been better for the bird than a lifetime of handicap in captivity and human care. 

Anyhow, with this act of saving a crow's life, my mother is convinced that I am now insured for life against evil influences.

The nun from hell

I shuttle between two offices during the week. Lately, I’ve been spending more time at my new office than the one at the UN compound.

This office is an old-fashioned, large, single-floor house that has been converted to a multi-purpose office. I learnt that this place has a lot of history. Even now, the building has remnants of various publications stacked up in shelves, novels written by a famous local author (deceased) and lots of artwork on the walls that depict womanhood through the eyes of various artists (they tell me there used to be many art workshops then). The place is owned by three NGOs that work on women’s rights. Things have quietened down now for women’s rights activists. Most of those young activists who started out many decades ago are old now, some have passed away and some have moved to other sectors like the environment (and that’s how I got to know some of them). Parts of the office have now been leased to other NGOs like ours.

Work of an unknown artist which is hung right opposite my desk. Pretty depressing sight, if you ask me. Shows a bride looking at a reflection of herself with two kids in tow, bent over a large pot of food while also doing other house chores. I'm going to request for a change of scenery! 

One lady remembers those glory days of theirs when they marched in the streets for women’s rights. She tells me that young people these days don’t like to do that. That’s true, I prefer to voice out from behind a laptop screen than shout out in the streets (even for environmental causes). My generation has it a little easier, I suppose. Back then, times were worse for women; there was more oppression, less opportunities in education and work, early marriages, female child labour, basically many things to fight for. Now there are little or no barriers in education for women in Sri Lanka. Career-wise, the gender ratios are healthier. Under-aged children working as "servants" (that's what they call them in Sri Lanka) are rare because laws are tough on people who try to exploit children. Under-aged marriages have reduced with better literacy rates. What remains are mostly the age-old issues like rape, domestic violence, power imbalance in marriages with a dominating male partner, unfair division of labour in marriages and objectification of women. These are the ongoing struggles of most women in vulnerable communities and some women in not-so-vulnerable communities.

This lady, who I assume is in her sixties tells me she worked hard and mostly voluntarily (to the dismay of her family sometimes) with NGOs when she was young to push for equal opportunities for women and bring about social reform. She’s quite the remarkable character and what strikes me the most is her skill in dealing with people from all social strata with ease; all the way from the top (politicians, high profile people, academics) to colleagues and down to the level of people who work for her (like her helpers and drivers) and people from low income backgrounds. Although she’s moved to the environment sector now, I could tell her passion lies in fighting injustice for women in marginalised and oppressed communities. She’s great (and hilarious) when it comes to conversations on open-minded topics, marriage, women’s reproductive rights, male chauvinists, religious leaders who take a keen interest on women’s genitals, injustice to the environment, etc. On field visits, she’s the best travel buddy anyone could wish for because she’s so curious to explore new areas, try new food from roadside places specially the home-cooked types, buy fruits and vegetables from small roadside vendors (and distribute to her friends later) and strike conversations with random people to learn about interesting facts. She still has so much fire and a thirst for adventure for her age that when I am with her, I feel it’s contagious. But this post was not meant to be about her!

This post is about another lady who used to work in one of the NGOs, again on women’s rights. I’ve been told she was quite the fire cracker back then. Now she’s become ordained as a Buddhist nun, lives forcibly in this office and emotionally blackmails anyone who tries to evict her, saying that they would go to hell. Normally, monks and nuns take up a life of simplicity, living on charity after having given up their material possessions, in order to focus on selfless service to the community and the pursuit of spiritual goals. On the other hand, this nun has become very possessive and has forcibly acquired furniture, appliances and even a scythe-like tool for cutting grass, claiming it’s hers now. There’s a box with a padlock in the kitchen, which I am told contains her kitchen utensils. She’s paranoid when vehicles comes to the office and goes, and she relies on a few neighbours to spy on “suspicious” activities in the office while she's not around. As I’ve also been told, she’s too curious and goes through our office belongings after we leave, so we have to lock up everything and leave nothing open on the tables. She acquires things like soap that has been put in the toilet for common use. She rarely speaks good of anyone, too, I hear. She’s basically impossible to communicate with, irrational, hasn’t developed the skills to respectfully co-exist with other people (which is why she can’t survive in a nunnery with other nuns) and uses the excuse of religion to establish some kind of authority over others through fear. Well, those fear tactics could work for someone who believes they can go to hell for offending anyone claiming to be a holy person or is wearing a uniform of a holy person.

Now everything I’ve heard so far are one-sided (yet similar) accounts from about three people. Being here only a few days, I am yet to meet this personality who sounds like a character from a tele-drama plot! On the other hand, it’s good to be informed. Given my hopeless level of assertiveness (as a close friend recently pointed out, I apparently have the assertiveness of a water flea), I fear I might be caught in the cross fire of these estrogen-powered politics and be expected to take sides. At times like these, I remember the ease with which I worked in an all-male team in my previous job. If there is no threat of harassment from male colleagues, things are much simpler and straightforward with men.

I'm no psychologist and my predictions of people have failed many a time. From what I’ve gathered about her behaviour, she appears mentally imbalanced and suffers from a variety of mental complexes like paranoia. She's most probably deeply unhappy, frightened and is probably a lonely soul inside. Also the relationship my colleagues have with her might be one full of misunderstandings and unaddressed emotions build over a long course of history working together, and therefore biased. 

Feeling compassionate for people exhibiting unnatural behaviour and trying to be nice to them or help them have almost always back fired on me, so I’m going to remain super cautious on this one. Also, this situation made me realise how much (good) relationships matter in life. You have to be ready to give as much as you are willing to take from the people around you.

On a positive note, I suppose we have to feel thankful to the women (and feminist men) before us, who fought for equal opportunities and created waves of change in society. The battles are not over, but it is because of their courage, defiance to conform, their struggles and their vision that we have the level of comfort we have today. So is it also not our duty to speak up for injustice (of any kind) when we see it around us?

A closer look at a double-edged sword

“All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,

Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.

Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel

And shining morning face, creeping like snail

Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,

Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad

Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,

Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,

Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,

Seeking the bubble reputation

Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,

In fair round belly with good capon lined,

With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,

Full of wise saws and modern instances;

And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts

Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,

With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;

His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide

For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,

Turning again toward childish treble, pipes

And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,

That ends this strange eventful history,

Is second childishness and mere oblivion,

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.”

- William Shakespeare

Facebook, too, is a "stage" of sorts.

My life force appears to be plugged to the performing arts on this Facebook stage! I am a moderator of four Facebook pages, I am a member of over ten closed (interest) groups and then there's the management of the social aspect. Every moment of vacant self-awareness I have, I feel the urge to step into the Facebook universe. I look to it to be constantly entertained, validated and fed with information. If I don't log into Facebook, I feel like I've lost my crutches or forgotten my pills. "Liking" certain posts feels obligatory, but like the social rules in any society we live in, participation is a requirement. As citizens of this new social universe - which has no geographical boundaries - we have to let the world know what we see, what we do, where we go, what we eat, what we think and what we tell our closest people.

Sounds crazy? It should. And it's very stressful to both the party that feels obliged to keep reporting their life events and the party that has to react after getting bombarded with information about other people's lives. 

Smart phones replaced diaries, calendars, alarm clocks, cameras, calculators, GPS devices, pagers, radios, televisions, voice recorders, newspapers, books, albums, snail mail, typewriters, computers, modems, internet cafes, communication centres and even secretaries. Now we don't even have to step outside the home to get tasks like going to the bank, going to an IT store to get software and going to a clothing store done. Similarly, Facebook has also brought convenience to our increasingly sedentary lifestyles. Maintaining social interactions, sending out greetings and sympathies, staying up to date with the latest news and entertainment, getting instant feedback on questions, gossiping, making new friends, spying on the lives of others, checking out potential love interests, joining various interest groups, fighting for causes, getting worked up over silly things that others post, finding something to laugh about, showing off and maintaining an "image" (almost always a positive one) is like a full time job. Facebook has over 2 billion active users as of 2017. Leaving out pseudo accounts and duplicate accounts, that still counts for a lot!

Hahaha.. yeah.

For example, let's take my profile. Now I use "Nomad. Shutter bug. Dreamer. Tree-hugger. Scribbler. Stalker of bugs" as an introduction to my profile. In real terms, it actually translates to "Mostly homeless and lives from a suitcase. Knows only how to take photographs in Auto-mode of the camera. Easily distracted, possibly suffering from adult ADHD. Dislikes humans in general and constantly reminds them to protect nature. Struggling writer. Stalker of bugs (this is true)."

Up until a few weeks ago, I used a quote I had ripped off from the internet "Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." This quote attempts to give the impression that I am an avid traveler who's not afraid of taking risks and moving out of comfort zones, and preaches others to do the same. This is not entirely true. To compliment this quote, my cover photo boasts one of me sitting calmly on the edge of a rocky cliff, looking into a deep valley, surrounded by stunning scenery.

What actually went on moments before I took that photo kind of went like this:

Me to Bro: Hey, can walk over to that cliff and take a photo of me sitting on this cliff? Then I can take a cool one of you standing on that cliff.

Bro: Okay.

Me: (inches to the edge of the cliff, as close as my nerves would allow) Okay, let me know when you are ready. And for goodness sake, be careful.

Bro: Okay I'm ready.

Me: (Poses) Did you take me with the whole scenery? Don't zoom into my face. Take another one!!

Bro: Okay, I took another one.

Me: Is it good?

Bro: Yes.

Me: Okay, now let me take yours.

See? Not as dramatic as the photo depicts.

Then comes maintenance of this "image" of "I am a cool, single girl, enjoying a carefree life, traveling, helping communities, fighting to protect nature, plays the violin, following my dreams and nothing can possibly go wrong". Truth is, I am as insecure as other girls out there (only varying in the degree of insecurity). I sometimes wonder if the life choices I made are good ones. I feel lonely occasionally. Traveling is not 100% fun (maybe just 70-90%) and it involves certain inconveniences, which we hardly mention on Facebook. If someone were to ask me to play a piece on the violin, I would freak out because I have no practice and no confidence or skill for an outstanding solo performance. Helping communities is also not so clear cut; sometimes they don't want to be helped, sometimes NGO's play out on grant money instead of helping communities, observing positive results of project work can take a long time and sometimes projects don't have the expected progress. Sometimes, it feels we use vulnerable people to boost our good samaritan image online.

In a paper published in 1986, psychologists Hazel Rose Markus and Paula Nurius claimed that a person has two selves; the “now self” and the “possible self”. The possible self is what we would like to become, what we could become, and what we are afraid of becoming. Social media platforms allow a person to become their possible self, or at least present a version of themselves that is closer to it.

After a photo or anything else is posted, any Facebook notification on the phone tempts me to go see what it is about. "Is it a "Like" for what I posted??" or "Did someone comment on it??" or "What did they say??" or "How many "Likes" did my post get?" or "How come I get more likes for pictures of me but less for something decent and thought provoking that I said??".  If  there are no notifications, I think "It's been about 2 hours, why hasn't anyone reacted to it?" or "Could I have posted something offensive?".

Some friends are opposed to having their photos posted on Facebook. Although they pose in all the photos with the group during the event, which in their mind is normal like in the 90's, they don't like their photos posted on social media. This situation can make a serial Facebook poster annoyed. "If you didn't want your face on Facebook, then WHY ON EARTH DID YOU POSE WITH US?". To be fair, a non-poster would not comprehend the level of desperation in people who want to publish everything that happens in their lives. 

I am not always needy for Facebook attention. Sometimes, I want my posts to be informative and carry a deeper message. Sometimes, I want people to be inspired and more appreciative of nature through the things I capture on camera. 

However, in a list of x number of Facebook friends, a significant number of them (me included) will post perfect family/ couple photos all the time, couples expressing their love for each other on a regular basis in front of the Facebook audience, people posing with their newly purchased luxury vehicles, holidays, travels, food, animals in their garden, promotions, various phases of their pregnancies leading to birth and growth of the child afterwards, how many kilometers they ran in the morning on which jogging route, parents announcing the many achievements of their children and some announcing illnesses and personal tragedies. Truth is, although some of our closest friends and family might be genuinely interested in our posts (or pretend to be), most people are not really interested in our lives, as much as we want them to be/ think them might be.

Facebook, the thoughtful application it is, has an "unfollow" option to stop following friends who keep sending a lot of unnecessary information to the news feed. Admittedly, I have "unfollowed" many Facebook friends to improve the quality of my news feed, but it's always work in progress to weed out people who may appear sensible and stable at first but break out into narcissists and attention seekers later.

The dark side to Facebook addiction, in addition to making us vulnerable to media bias and a tendency to tempt us to exercise deceit (exaggeration, if you may), is that our lives can stagnate in a superficial layer of skewed reality. According to this guy, even our self-talk can become too negative when bombarded with superficial information:

I feel that the connection I had with my deeper layers of thinking, which probably inspired and stimulated some of my blog posts in the past, has become somewhat severed. I wonder if my increasing occupation with Facebook has anything to do with it.

A good indicator of Shuri's brain function (for analytical thinking and focus) over the years. But hey, I think it's making a slow comeback!

Facebook and other social media can contribute to healthy relationships which are usually hindered by factors like distance and time differences. It can also be a massive source of information, social support and networks that can advance human potential. However, the biggest worry about Facebook is the tendency to be addictive and psychologically manipulative. Addictions can impair normal life, give additional stress, make people less productive, less healthy, less aware of their physical surroundings, trigger depression and, make people disengage with reality, meaningful relationships (with people who are near them) and other hobbies. If not used in a careful manner, Facebook also has the ability to stunt human potential.

Just do it!

I'm home for the New Year holidays. Like Singapore's Chinese New Year, this is one of the longest holidays that people here get to enjoy with their loved ones.

While life goes on here and I have a growing number of tasks on my plate, I've been feeling somewhat paralysed and defeated by my own state of inaction lately. What I previously thought of as procrastination might actually be a case of "analysis paralysis". Maybe the two are related. Yes, I'm constantly on the hunt for fitting labels to my psychological problems!

Analysis paralysis is defined as the state of over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation so that a decision or action is never taken, in effect paralyzing the outcome (Wikipedia).

There might be many reasons for this condition, according to my analysis (hah!). Being too theoretical, spending too much time inside the head, trying to meet unrealistic ideals for deliverables like reports (a.k.a. perfectionism) and over-estimating the amount of work that goes into making a perfect deliverable. While it can lead to good quality outputs, it's a terrible way to live, really. And it's certainly not the way to work smart or efficiently. 

It is also possible that over-thinking to an extreme can lead one to being disconnected with reality over time. For an over-thinker, I think that being sanely present in reality is a fine balance between the interpretation of facts and external feedback on one side and going with assumptions and intuition on the other side. 

So my resolution THIS new year, is that I'll try to think less and just act on the things I have to do! Kind of like the Nike inspired memes below.

The strategy is to go from this state of mind...

(Image source: The Oatmeal)

... to this.

As Bruce Lee once said, “If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done.”

The Puppet Theory

It might seem that our minds are all but puppet masters trying to carry out a well coordinated act. When we interact with someone, it is in fact one puppet interacting with another puppeteer's puppet. Puppeteers are able to manipulate strings of conscious thoughts behind a facade that is not apparent to other puppeteers or the audience watching this show. The most honesty one can extend to another puppet is to align their thoughts with the act. The most honesty one can expect from another puppet, is well, a combination of that puppeteer's willingness to display honesty and his or her skill in the art of puppetry. 

What puppet shows teach us. Image courtesy of www.roberthonstein.com

Back at work, a project finally drew to a close. A record breaking nineteen days of unbroken working days later, I got a full weekend off. My first stop was the zoo. For me, it was the most perfect, thunder shower blessed day at the rainforest zoo in Mandai. This was the closest escape from a concrete office cubicle to nature I was going to get. The animals seemed to enjoy the cooler temperatures and  fewer visitors. The reptiles were thrilled. I was also the tour guide for Ryuu's first ever trip to the Singapore Zoo.

Little did I know that a few steps off the beaten track was a quay and beyond the lake was a beautiful patch of forest, which (on that day) was enveloped by a thin sheet of mist.

Honestly, what will we do after we've cut off the last tree and poached the last elephant? Where will some of us run away to, for times when we want to escape the emptiness that technology, money and some puppet shows bring us?

Mirrors

Ever get the feeling that life is moving much faster than you can document it? I do a lot these days.

Also, I may have been slightly dyslexic all this time and nobody pointed it out. Then again, I am a bit of a hypochondriac who is untrained in psychology.

Mirrors are an interesting example of how light and chemicals can affect one's self image. Being just pieces of glass coated with a layer of metal, they help us form the mental image of what we look like on the outside. Funny enough, not all mirrors make you "see" yourself in the same way. Some (and I like these), like the ones found in fitting rooms of fashion-related stores, soften up detail and others give more detail than you might like to see in you.

They say we can't judge books by their covers. Well, we can't judge them by reading just two of their pages either. People are complicated like that.

This clip is too cute not to share. Roundedness can be endearing sometimes.

Lost and Found

My mental processes were highly occupied the last week with my latest read - Quiet. Simply stated, the book is brilliant. I have new-found respect for introverts and more tolerance towards extroverts now. After reading the last page, I was walking around the house today (somewhat dazed by the effects of flu meds), shaking my head thinking, only an extraordinary individual who spent a considerable amount of time learning, observing people and situations, and analysing this data while spending a lot of time inside her head could have put together such a powerful a string of words, touching on many aspects from individuals, politics, education, corporate cultures to world cultures, world history, relationships and parenting.

Perhaps this wisdom will help me get along well with my highly extroverted mother when she visits next month! A lot of things make sense now; like how spending my impressionable years in a conservative Asian country that admires the Introvert Ideal, going to the same familiar school for fifteen years of my life and how having parents who didn't try to inhibit me and instead let me 'run away' with whatever thoughts and interests my mind fancied worked to my advantage in excelling in studies, building my core character and nurturing some of the life-long friendships I built along the way. I was a happy introverted child, having with me everything I could possibly wish for (it's no wonder my right foot is firmly planted in that past).

The real challenges came later in life after leaving the safe protection of the nest. Some of the downsides that I discovered later (apart from being way too naive and not knowing myself well enough) were that I was poorly armed in communication and social skills, all which led to self-doubt and loss of self-esteem in no time. These seeped into my performance in university and made it difficult for me to progress in the competitive world in my early career. Worst of all, I had no sense of direction because I had no idea where I wanted to go till quite recently. But the path leading to these types of self-realisations has ultimately been a rewarding one.

In my first blog post in May 2010, in describing myself, I write....

"I never felt like I fitted in anywhere as a person (does anyone, really?)"

Only now I have the answer to that! I was busy comparing myself to extroverts and trying too hard to conform to the extroverted standards that I thought was required for the environment I lived in when deep down it was exhausting and didn't feel right. I no longer feel the burden of wanting to fit in places I would not fit in, instead I actively seek out niches of people and situations that fit me. Knowing my limitations, I only stretch out of character to accomplish things I am really passionate about and in special cases where it is a pre-requisite to get to something I really need. And with enough practice and time, even out of character attributes (like public speaking, being assertive and feeling less anxious with new people/places) get easier. 

Shu, you took two and a half years to figure out all this?? Really?? You are such an idiot.

I keep telling myself, I should stop blogging about introversion and animals for a change, but I keep falling back to those same topics. 

The other day, I hunted down The Lion King I at a video store. I have lost count of the times I have watched it since its release in 1994, but it remains my favourite animated movie of all time. Watching it from an adult perspective this time, I was pleasantly surprised to see that behind the humour and colourful characters, the story still has many positive messages to take away.

Last weekend, I had a go at pseudo-skydiving at iFly Singapore on a Groupon voucher. "Pseudo" because it is as close as one can get to the real thrill of skydiving in the safe conditions of an indoor wind tunnel. It's a wonderful feeling to defy gravity in a controlled manner and not have to be burdened with the weight of our bodies, as in the case of swimming and flying. To my surprise, I was the best flyer in our group of seven first-timers (unlike being one of the worst performers in the new dance class I tried many months back!). The trick was to relax, position yourself according to the instructor's advice, be aware of the body positions that took your higher or lower in altitude and enjoy the flight that lasted less than a minute. After this experience, I feel a slight itch to add 'skydiving' to my bucket list, despite my fears of jumping out of an aeroplane with a faulty parachute.

Flying Shu. My photo was taken courtesy of a kind lady who was also taking pictures of her family and she volunteered to email them to me!

This being my first solo visit to Sentosa in over three years, I noticed a lot of change on this integrated island resort. Many new attractions (each with a big price tag attached) have popped up like mushrooms with new buildings using up every available space on the island making it rather over-crowded now. In some ways it felt like the place has lost its relaxing charm, while trying hard to make the most revenue out of thousands of visitors that visit here. In other ways, it appears to be evolving into a world-class attraction providing visitors with a wide range of unique experiences, that can't be found elsewhere.

I wonder why I woke up this morning, with a strong flashback of my time with my maternal grandfather. During his able years, he was an iron-willed, egotistical, domineering, hot-tempered and violence-prone man who was feared by many. In a fitting match of professions, he served in the military during the World War II and later in the Police force. When I came to associate closely with him after our family moved to his neighbourhood, he was a changed man. He was still strong-willed and independent, yet he was a retired widower living alone with a much softer temperament.

On most evenings for nearly three years, I would visit him for a couple of hours after getting home from school. His favourite past time used to be sitting on an old refrigerator placed horizontally under a shady mango tree while reading newspapers, chewing betel leaves, killing mosquitoes and having a 360 degree view of the large garden and frequently scanning the area for anyone who tried to sneak in from the borders. There were a lot of thieves in our village ranging from innocent ones looking for firewood, coconuts or fruits to junkies looking to steal anything they can find to get money to buy drugs. But with my grandfather's notorious and fearsome reputation, few had the nerve to try. The ones who tried often got caught and repented dearly.

Our meetings were like a tradition. We would both read the newspaper taking turns to read different sections and (mostly he) would comment on them. I preferred reading jokes and articles related to Science and Health. All the time, we would be surrounded by swarms of mosquitoes. I would use insect-repellent, wave my legs to discourage them or sometimes let them have a little 'food'. He would swat them and collect the dead ones in a small mound between us. Then he would make tea for us and we would chat while having crackers with our tea. He had a lot of stories to tell from his past. Often his face lit up relating the memorable  ones where he acted valiantly. One of his favourites was telling how he had to shoot down a wild elephant that terrorised the villagers in a remote area where he was assigned to be on patrol. He tells me that he had nightmares for many months after that incident. Sometimes he told me the same stories over and over again, but I still listened patiently. I would help him with small chores like running to the grocery store to buy things, sweeping the garden or cleaning leaves off the gutters on the roof (though my mother protested to that) and plucking fruits or betel leaves. In return, he would usually give me fruits (usually overripe and not really edible, but I used to accept them anyway and discard them later).

He came to appreciate and depend emotionally on my company and he always inquired about the days I didn't turn up. If he heard I was sick, he would come all the way to check up on me. I suppose he felt very lonely after I left the country for my university studies, without anyone to take my place in the evenings. A few months after I left, I heard he got his first stroke and was left partially paralysed. Old age is not a pleasant phase and while there is strength of mind, there is usually better quality of life. But the moment it breaks down, sickness and death approach faster. Eventually, he went to live with his son and even made a short recovery from paralysis, but at age eighty and five months after I left, he succumbed to the second stroke attack. That December, I flew home straight to his funeral. And that was also the same month that the country was devastated by the tsunami of 2004.

I still miss him sometimes.

Intricate balances

Balance - that important concept which keeps things at optimum levels, at their best, in motion, in harmony, in order, at peace and the like. I would think it is relatively easy achieve because we know what theoretically tips the scales and what weights we have to throw in to balance it. But the challenge lies in maintaining it, because it is very, very easy to lose it in this Life of constantly changing variables.

Let's play a fun game of balance the scales. The rules are simple: use what you have at hand, the winner gets to be happy and the loser get a good measure of misery. 

The official entry into 'adulthood' signifies the beginning of a life of juggling things - responsibilities, family, social ties, education, career, finances, health, personal growth, etc. Some might even become professional jugglers over time. But it's no wonder that many of us are somewhat stuck in an intermediary phase, refusing to let go of that care-free, fun-loving, adventurous, blissfully ignorant and innocent inner child. Maybe it's not such a bad thing! And I strongly believe adulthood is much more fun and bearable when living it with a little dose of child.

Outdoor advertisements can be quite entertaining. Many a time, I wish I had been quick enough to snap a photograph of the things I come across. Very recently, I had a glimpse of a banner for a new type of stuffed bun while I was in a moving bus. It was called "Gold Digger". Now I do not know if it is just me, or if that kind of name puts people off that product for what it brings to mind.

And then, there was this. I wonder what the men feel about this one. 

Off I go to my first day of official Docent duty at the zoo. The world is a much bigger place than what we are often led to believe and I fully intend to go check it out!

Welcome to the World of Introverts

Darn. I am supposed to be studying for an assessment tomorrow. While attempting to gulp down facts from a 150-paged manual on reptiles, my brain refused to cooperate. When I told it to cut the act and focus, it was literally blogging away inside my head. Being the bad multi-tasker, I had to step out of my books for a bit to get this over with.

The other day, I was spending some quality time with Ginger when I had a realisation. I can't imagine why it didn't hit me before this! Here it is: cats are introverts. And THAT'S why I find it easy to have fulfilling relationships with them. No disrespect to dogs, though. I had several dog-friends growing up and I've adored all of them as much as they adored me and I have found great traits in them like how they are ever so faithful and not prone to mood swings. But in general, they have too much energy, they are loud, they demand lots of active attention, they are unpredictable, they have little sense of other's personal boundaries and they drain me out really fast - they are extroverts in the animal world. Cats on the other hand - very calm, to the point, they value the concept of privacy, they know when to call it quits with the attention-seeking before it becomes a chore, they listen (or do a good job of pretending to), they give others a turn to react, they have a soothing purr and they don't pull any surprises that I can't handle. Again, no disrespect to dogs or my extroverted friends and bear with me as I try to make a case.

The Internet is a wonderful thing with countless possibilities. I can go on about it, but instead, I'll just point out that it's probably the best thing that was ever invented for introverts. Finally, something much more powerful than printed media and the postal service came out for introverts to express themselves, be heard and network with other introverts. Something which they don't usually tend to do otherwise, see? Thanks to all the developments, introverts have been identified, encouraged, empowered and are slowly gaining a reputation that they are worthy of. Heck, it took me - an introvert - over twenty five years to identify and completely accept that side to me and understand the various ways in which it affects my life and the world at large. Up until then, with all the information I gathered from the world outside, I arrived at the conclusion that there was something utterly wrong with me. So it's quite understandable that in an extrovert-dominated world, introverts are most often misunderstood and under-appreciated, much like any other minority.

I came across a blog with a list of debunked myths about introverts that sums it up very nicely and I quote (only the comments in red are mine):

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. (OMG, YES). Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite. And don't pull out lame start up lines like comments about the weather or asking for the time, when you clearly have a phone to look it up.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. We don't really want to know what you did over the weekend, if we are not close to you or didn't ask you about it. And it's unlikely we'll tell you all the things we did over the weekend, if we are not close to you or sense that you are just asking for the sake of making conversation. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting. But rest assured, they can be kind and sensitive people, if you give them a chance.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts. Or we get very moody or worse, contemplate on turning into serial killers. 

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. They are hardly bored. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with or have a creative outlet. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy. And for this reason, they are also very understanding and accommodating of other "weird" people around them.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up. And PLEASE don't give us lectures on how to go out, unwind and meet new people to have fun or how much we are missing out on life by not having an active social life. You are making no sense at all. Trust me on this one. 

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. Yes, and together we complement each other and make the world a more interesting and productive place.

Introversion and extroversion lie on the opposite ends of the same scale, so not all introverts have the characteristics above in the same intensities. Also, being an introvert or an extrovert is just a default setting that requires the least amount of energy but everyone is capable of stepping out of their comfort zones if the need arises, with a little extra determination and effort. And it is important that they do, sometimes.

Here's a nice help sheet, courtesy of Google Images. I don't agree with 6 and 10 - if only Life came with advanced notices! so try not to spoil them, plus losing that one best friend who probably took ages to bond with would be devastating to an introvert

Now that I've spoken on behalf of all the introverts out there, I feel much better. 

Ah yes, one more thing.

Normally, I don't speak to strangers, not even to those on the internet (not without good reason or proper background checks). Because I imagine they are mostly criminals (Shu, you really need to go easy on watching the crime and investigation channel) or otherwise normal people who will track me down and try to make small talk. But as I did a little research for my post, I stumbled on this noteworthy blog:
http://katemcmillanblogs.wordpress.com.

This blogger has a knack for saying a lot of things with just a few words (which is refreshing, as you must be already tired of reading this long-winded post to get to this line) but more than that, is a cool comic artist! And I have gone as far as "stealing" the initial (interesting) conversation thread and pasting it here, with the excuse that it is somehow very remotely relevant to the theme of this post.

Shuri says:

Hey, you draw some cool stuff and relate things in an amusing way  I’m not a creepy stalker, btw. I just happened to do some research on introverts (my species) today and Google pointed me to one of your posts. Then I thought the fonts, colours and layout of your blog looked rather interesting.

katemcmillanblogs says:

Yay! A friendly (not creepy stalker) visitor! Welcome!  Haha, I’m glad you found the posts worth looking at. That is always nice to hear.
I hope your research was successful. 
Drop in again whenever you like! 

Why am I so complicated?

Yesterday, I made my way to a job fair. Like hundreds of active job seekers who participated, I went there with much hope.

At the entrance, we were shoved with a free goodie bag, which was filled mostly with useless brochures and a thick women's fashion magazine which weighed a tonne. After some deliberation on whether or not give it to my fashion-conscious flat mates, I got rid of the magazine and the bag was significant lighter with more space to collect many more (mostly) useless brochures and leaflets handed out by various companies. I had to sort my bag three times to keep only what was useful. I was rather disturbed by the wastage of paper that was going on there. In addition to a handful of useful marketing material, there were so much of un-targeted distribution going on which littered the floors and clogged trash bins with unnecessary paper.

So many trees, animals and habitats elsewhere on the Earth die for NOTHING

Fairs are also a great place to get free diaries, organisers, post-its, fancy pens and drinks! When I first came to Singapore and participated in student fairs, I went beserk with excitement seeing the fancy freebies and shamelessly collected more than I was probably entitled to or needed. As time went on, this 'third world freeloader' mentality wore off and now I only take what I need, otherwise later on, I have to worry about finding rightful places and owners for all the excess ones I collect... and it's very uncool to go on a greedy rampage like that!

There were many booths representing companies in multiple industries, recruitment consultancies, educational institutions and other advertisers. I spoke to several people at these booths and handed out copies of my resume to others. It seemed to me that the number of participants in the fair vastly outnumbered the number of jobs advertised by the participating companies. I was done in about an hour, but had to stick around for another hour for the free seminar that I signed up for. Several weeks before the seminar, we were given a complimentary offer to complete a short questionnaire (mostly on workplace-related questions) and told that a free personalised report would be provided at the job fair. So this one, I had to see.

It's rarely that I have the guts to ask people who know me closely to tell me what they think of me. I fear it might be easily misunderstood as me being needy or fishing for compliments when what I actually need is an objective opinion from an outsider's perspective so I can know what facts I am missing that needs fixing. For example, only on the last day of my previous job (after two years of working there) did I finally ask my boss what he thought of my work and I found the feedback very useful. Also, most of the feedback we picked up or received while growing up were probably incomplete, biased and most certainly outdated now. And that's why I have grown a liking to psychometric tests which are based on science, research and statistics, to help decrypt Shu. As a small side effect, I have also grown a little more tolerant of other's differences.

The seminar was on Emergenetics - another type of (relatively new) commercial profiling system, similar to Myers Briggs or DISC assessments. These are usually used by HR professionals to get insights into employee thinking and behavioural preferences to improve work place dynamics. However, it is also helpful to understand how individuals think and act in other personal life situations as we use pretty much the same preferences. Results were presented on a simple one-paged report with colourful charts and on scales with percentiles, rather than pinning an individual with a final label. The next few pages consisted of a written explanation of the results. Apart from its simplicity, I thought it gave a better picture (than other assessments I have tried) combining both thinking and behavioural patterns.

Basically, they say that we are what we are as a result of both genetics and life experiences. Hard to disagree with that. Thinking patterns, statistically speaking, are of four types - analytical, structural, social and conceptual. People can have a either one type or a combination of two, three or even all four types decided by percentage scores. Similarly, behavioural patterns were judged on three separate scales - assertiveness, expressiveness and flexibility.

I could not find an image with better resolution, however, examples can be viewed here

Add all these variables with varying IQ levels, varying personal belief systems, a dash of madness (i.e. abnormal mental complexes) and viola! we have 7 billion unique individuals gracing the planet.

I also liked the fact that they stressed that there is nothing wrong or right about what we are. If life experiences partly influence what we are, then it can be projected that our profiles will continue to change slightly in the years to come. What we make of what we are is entirely up to us. The way I see it, knowing all this helps becoming more self-aware, having better relationships with others, doing things in better ways by overcoming the 'blind spots' and making the most of our situations. The downsides to profiling might be obsessing over results, mistaking its use only as a tool and not a destiny report, having limiting beliefs of oneself and one's abilities or even running after more seminars to find self-conviction (that last one, I was kidding).

The job fair wasn't all a waste of my time. I came out of the seminar somewhat feeling like I got a new layer of understanding about myself, why I function the way I do and how it applies in the bigger picture.

On a positive note, all the email chasers I sent last week to follow up on pending interview outcomes are slowly returning with responses, one at a time. Soon I am to have a swim test and a 2-hour written English test from two different interviews. And then there was finally some closure on another. Come on Shu, let's try to get employed soon.

Expressions

The sitar is, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful and expressive instruments ever designed and it holds a superior position in the world of stringed instruments. It is a popular instrument of choice for the Hindustani (North Indian) style of classical music and it is often accompanied by a tabla - making them a winning team. Combined with the talent of a player, type of raga and other vocal and instrumental accompaniments, it can evoke strong emotions in a listener. The clip below that I found on a friend's Facebook wall is an interesting and beautiful fusion of music from the East and West.

"Sea Dreamer" by Anoushka Shankar, Karsh Kale & Sting

It also reminded me of one of my old music teachers. He was a very talented and accomplished sitar player back in his day. But when I came to know him, he was passing a definite low point in his life and his glory days seemed a lifetime ago. I came to know he coached intermediate students on the violin and soon after, I became his student and continued for a few months until it was time to leave to Singapore. Violin techniques were not his strong point but he was able to give compostions and coach me on these since I had the basic skills. Apart from giving me beautiful classical pieces to play which he made up on the fly (I think he was mostly lazy to prepare in advance and follow a syllabus but I didn't mind at all), he showed me how these were supposed to sound by playing it on his sitar. Sometimes he got carried away and played a little extra. That was certainly a highlight of this class. I would often sit and watch soul-struck, speechless and sometimes on the verge of tears (of joy) before I picked up my violin and hopelessly attempted to play like that. He was that good.

Today was day 3 of 4 for hip hop classes. It's fun and encouraging to go with Katy Kat, who took an interest in joining the class after reading one of my old posts. Together we have made a pact to break out of our social awkwardness that inhibits us from enjoying ourselves as dancers. Today was the first time I felt comfortable and least conscious at class so I am quite thrilled about it. It just might be progress over three classes or the fact that it was a mixed hip hop class for beginners that didn't involve many feminine dance moves like the two previous girls-only hip hop classes I tried. 

[Edited] During these few classes, it has occurred to me that had I spent more time as a child pretending to be a diva, following those feminine moves would have come easy! But no, I spent much of my childhood like the son our family never had, being my mother's 'bodyguard' in my father's long absences from home and the kid who naturally preferred trees, bicycles and getting messy outdoors over dolls, dollhouses and playing dress-up indoors. So it's going to be a little challenging to move past my current diva bias and learn to follow a simple choreography for the sole purpose of mastering coordination in the girls-only classes.

Happy belated birthday, Shu. You are now twenty-seven years of age.

Un-wiring and Re-wiring the Brain Circuits

It's about time to do something about my chorophobia (yes, they even coined a term for the irrational fear of dancing!), which is but a small side effect of my larger and more complex issue of social anxiety. 

It's hard to understand all the factors that led me into being like this. For all I know it was a slow transformation that occurred subconsciously for many many years. But what I do know now and what actually matters is that nearly all these associated fears are irrational and worse, it holds me back from enjoying the things I like, getting the things I want and living my life to the truest potential. Sometimes, the solutions aren't too clear or easy, yet sometimes, it can be as simple as strapping yourself to a paraglider + paragliding pilot and jumping off a cliff or even buying a $20 Groupon voucher for 4 dance classes.

This was an open Hip Hop class for beginners. Salsa wasn't really my thing, as I found out last year. After a rather disappointing interview earlier in the day, I was very much looking forward to this and made my way there early to sign up. I did the mistake of skipping dinner and tea before the class.

Very soon the instructor walked in and made us do some warm-ups. Ouch! Those hurt. Then we all stood up to start, and WHOOSH - Shuri was hit by a wave of postural hypertension. She announced "Today, we are going to learn a very sensual dance and it involves a lot of touching yourself" O_O Anyhow, it turned out she didn't choose her words carefully because it wasn't as bad as she put it. Sure, there were some hip shaking and butt pointing, but nothing too freaky. 

The class was actually okay. The instructor was really good at what she does and a pleasure to watch. It seemed to come naturally to her and she clearly enjoyed dancing [Awww, I wanna be able to dance just like that!]. There were about thirty students packed in the studio but it was just nice that no one bumped their hands and feet on others. Some of the students were very good, some bad and some in-between. To my nerves' relief, I didn't know anyone and no one seemed to care about the others because they were all struggling to keep up with the moves. I picked a spot all the way at the back and later, suffered trying to get views of the instructor at the front. I was easily one of the worst students in the class. Although I followed the first half of the choreography, things got complicated later, I got a little disheartened and messed up all the steps subsequently. I even had to skip doing one of the twirls, because it seriously made me dizzy. Blacking out and hitting the glass was the last thing Miss Self-Conscious on behavioral therapy needed!

Ignoring social anxiety for the moment, I realised I had so many other issues to work on. First of all, my brain keeps getting confused over mirror images and it's relation to my left and right. I vaguely remember I had this issue while trying out Dance Central on the X-box kinect. As I was following the instructor's image on the mirror in front, I kept wondering if I was doing it right. Then, I have BAD, no wait, I have NO mind-body coordination. My brain has spent too many years worrying about how I'll look or what others will think of me while I make an ass of myself, that I haven't spent enough time learning to move or coordinate the different parts of my body. Maybe I should have spent more time observing my movements (rather than looking for irregularities of my appearance) in mirrors like normal people do. For all my brain knows, it is fixed to a stump of a torso and four appendages that are the legs and hands and complex coordination is...not possible. Following the instructor and keeping up was therefore overwhelming. Next, remembering the sequence of the moves was very tough. And finally, without practice and persistence, I'll be going nowhere further than square one. 

At one point she said "Don't be too stressed, just imagine you are a diva!" [Gee, I wonder what that is like.]

Anyway, she left us with some helpful and hopeful advice saying, "Don't be too self conscious, you have to find a way to break out if it. I myself was extremely self conscious when I started out. It's only after you manage that, can you really enjoy dancing."

Man, I'm so looking forward to this movie. The background stories of the characters are often cheesy in this series of movies, but the choreography is guaranteed to be mind blowing. Kathryn McCormick, Travis Wall and Twitch from "So You Think You Can Dance" will be involved as characters and choreographers in this movie. 

Internal circuits

I am now passing the phase of my life where I want to consciously categorise and stick a label on everything, including myself.

Impaired hearing, sneezes that don't manifest without some encouragement, a nose subjected to too much friction from tissues, suspicious fevers that one can't tell apart from freezing office temperatures, questioning the efficacy of age-old herbal cures while drinking them  - not great places to be, BUT,

My interest in cricket has been re-sparked by the Commonwealth Series. Of course, it has everything to do with watching the Sri Lankan team - my personal favourites - play some good cricket as a team under what is obviously good leadership. Looking forward to a good game tomorrow [Afternote: it was supposed to be day after tomorrow. I woke up very early to watch said match and was disappointed to find out I had got the days mixed up] between the Sri Lankans and the Australians! We've (watch how I take some ownership for all the hard work the team put in) won 4 out of 6 matches with the Australians in this series already. I don't see the need to prove anything more than what the numbers tell.

I have stumbled on a website with plenty of talks made by various people on various topics. All you need is to know what you want to hear about and you'll most likely find it here at www.ted.com. On a similar note, www.bookboon.com is another good one-stop place for a variety of free e-textbooks.

I heard someone talk about introverted personalities in positive light today and that's a first. I struggled with having to conform and gain acceptance in a society that favoured extroverts. It never felt right or easy being in the spot light, socialising at parties, making a fool of oneself, performing solo, hanging out with people for long periods of time or making small talk. So I grew up thinking for a very long time that there was something innately wrong with me - I even went as far as finding a little comfort in thinking of myself as 'a special child' as my mother told me quite often and never questioned it because I knew the theory would fall apart. As I out-grow the phase of desperately wanting to be accepted in society, I slowly become more comfortable with my ways and spend more time doing things the way I prefer them. There's much room for improvement, however.

Turns out introverts are wired this way and if they don't spend enough time alone with their thoughts, they'll go nuts (and start blogs)!

Internet Addicts Anonymous

"Hello. My name is Shuri and I am an internet addict. I spend too many hours on the computer, often compromising on a healthy lifestyle, not communicating or spending time with family members and not having a variety of non-internet related hobbies. Today I am happy to say that I have realised this and will think of ways to fight this addiction. Thank you."

I have been OBSESSED with this song for three days now. In a moment of weakness, I attempted to download this song on to my phone from a legit YouTube phone application while at work. After exhausting ALL the 9MB of data left on my mobile internet package for the next three weeks, I got an error message to the effect "Unable to complete download. Only 9MB of 16MB has been transferred". Outcome: I had no song and no mobile internet for the next three weeks. Of course, I rushed home to download it through my home Wi-Fi connection and I have listened to it a 201 times since.

Sometimes, Shuri thinks life is too short to be too careful with what she says and does. Sometimes, it's OK to make a fool of oneself like dancing with sub-zero skills and laughing over it later. Sometimes, it's OK to give an honest but offensive opinion if there's a good message that's relayed. Sometimes, it's OK to tell people you love them and they won't feel uncomfortable or think you are mad. Sometimes, it's OK to trust new people if the first and second impressions are good. Sometimes, it's OK to swear and make a scene if the cause is worthy. Sometimes, it's OK to lean on someone for help. Sometimes it's OK to take a calculated risk and face whatever comes head-on.

The Rat Race

Today was much like a day when I first joined the company. I was free for 7 out of the 8 working hours. I Idled. I did various things to keep myself entertained. I drank various things to keep myself awake. I read several things to look busy. I ate various things out of boredom (which didn't quite agree with me later). I listened to the same 2 songs repeatedly. I daydreamed and soul-searched.

Oh. I did a psychometric test too, found on one of the training folders at work. I got equal points for being a "Reflector" and a "Theorist", so the results were annoyingly inconclusive. Personally, I thought I fell to the range of a "Reflector". They are the type who have absolutely nothing to talk about (outright) in a meeting or at a coffee machine. They rather listen and watch people than shoot out ideas on the fly. They want to go back, review and analyse all the facts and come to a carefully derived decision. They like to strictly follow procedures that have been proven to be effective. They suffer with varying degrees of mental disorders such as OCD, perfectionism, grammar nazi-ism, formatting nazi-ism and other health disorders like high blood pressure, tachycardia, mood swings and hot flushes (related to anger, not menopause).

Life sucks in general. We planned a holiday (my first REAL holiday, it would have been) to an exotic place. But it has been postponed from May to July to October. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

WHEN do I catch a decent break???

The "Exercise" Cynic

Exercise is a fashionable word these days.

What used to be just physical labour or an active lifestyle back in the day, now consists of paying exhorbitant prices for gym memberships to run in one place or cycle in one place. Or it could come in other expensive activity forms like acting out martial arts positions, dancing away to pumping music like your are high on nitrous oxide, playing with giant inflatable balls, exploiting traditional yoga techniques and the like.

On one side, there are the young men who idolise fictional creatures like the Hulk and slave way to attain abnormal muscle to body ratios, thinking they must look irresistable wearing under-sized t-shirts that accentuate bulging muscles and the man boobs. Talk about the pure determination one can garner from peer pressure or social standards for acceptance! They are equally matched by young women who like to live in borderline poverty standards, scrimping on salads and soups and eating scraps of dry bread for lunch, shunning away painfully from good things in life like chocolates and ice cream while popping diet/ slimming pills. There is nothing wrong with looking/ feeling good and taking moderate measures, but therein lies a problem when it is overdone.

They do this for various reasons; to look attractive and stand out, to attract good-looking mates, to fit into desirable clothes sizes, to be socially accepted, to be healthy, etc.

Forget them.

I have a gym in my building, one floor up. It is almost as if I had a gym in my own home, going by the convenient distance and the free service. It's been 2 months since they opened it up, but I've only been there once. One needs considerable determination to undertake an exercise regime. It helps to "see" the prize atop the hill. And this prize needs to be quick to achieve with visible progress. Otherwise, most do not find it motivating enough to work out towards intangible results with post-dated returns things like "good health", "longer lifespan", "better quality of life" or "happiness". For some, negative psychology can work as a powerful motivator; "I am fat and undesirable", "I am paying alot for this exercise session", "I can't fit in that pretty dress for the party next week", "I have to look better than my girl friends" or "I want to go out with a hunk".

My problem lies in that I do not have a powerful motivator to exercise. I am certainly of normal body proportions, in my standards. Any more loss in body mass, and I will look malnourished (again, in my standards). I am young and without chronic ailments. My self esteem with regards to my body image is in the healthy range. I do not obssess over impressing anyone of the opposite sex with super model-sized body parts. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I did not inherit the eye for overly feminine clothes that are generally body size MINUS 40% body fat. Worst of all, I am lazy.

So why would I want to spend my precious time on getting tired, sweating out and handling the aches afterwards when I can, say, comfortably lie in a couch and watch a movie? Yeah, sure, if I did that, I'll have an early and horrible death. So what? We all die anyway, and there is no knowing how and when we would die. The process remains the same, you will leave loved ones behind who have to make the funeral arrangements for you. No, an untimely demise is not enough a motivator for me. I thought long and hard to come up with 2 vaguely motivating factors: getting some kick-ass feminine biceps (perhaps, if I said "toned arms", it would have been more acceptable) and increasing chemicals in the brain that uplifts mood and help manage mood swings (like they claim to do!).

Wish me luck...