M.Sc. for Juvenile Delinquents

Next month, I'll be done with one year of coursework. The six months after that will be spent on independent research with no more lectures or exams. And if everyone in class finishes their research projects on time (which is unlikely), we'll all meet again on graduation day in 2018.

Hurrah?

I think not.

I'm really going to miss my crazy classmates and the good times we had/ have during classes. I'm feeling a sense of dread and sadness when I think it's all going to be over in a few week's time. Even though the students are serious people during week days doing serious jobs like being lecturers, teachers, guest speakers, chemists, assistant directors, etc, during the weekend, it's a completely different story.

During the weekend, these same people are throwing things at each other, poking fun at each other, laughing like jackasses, plucking fruits from trees in the campus, poking each other with compasses, taking blackmail-worthy photos of other students sleeping for example, passing food while the lecturers turn their backs on the class, etc. Each different type of personality makes some contribution which makes the class a colourful and fun place to be (and if they don't contribute, they are automatically qualified as guinea pigs for the others to prey on). It's no wonder I fit in comfortably with this lot, despite coming from a slightly different background.

This really happens in postgraduate level classes

Being forced to spend about 14 hours every week for an year (except those weekends they closed down for strikes!), sharing food, sharing notes, sharing woes, copying each other's lab reports and assignments, attending class weddings, having each other's backs, uniting against injustices from the administration and going on field trips have made us closer. In a very recent incident, the eldest classmate, who we affectionately called "Big Brother" collapsed in class and died later in hospital. The incident shocked and shattered us, but in a profound way, the shared grief also made us closer.

They are a good bunch. Nearly all of them help with explaining concepts, notes and assignments (at the risk of bringing up the class average) without the slightest hint of reservation. This is one quality I found to be very strange. I recall in my undergraduate years, the student culture in that university didn't involve much sharing or approaching other students for help because of the highly competitive nature of the course.

Normally not one to display much emotion, I've subconsciously come to think of at least 75% of the batch as my children. I'm only younger than two of them. The youngest ones in class are eight years younger than I am. Every time they come to me for childish requests or guidance on things, I find my maternal instincts kicking in. Looking at their youthful eyes and potential, I constantly feel the urge to meddle in their personal affairs, open their minds to personal development possibilities they have not heard of, try to boost their sense of self-worth, feed them fruit and make sure they are not left behind in class. They are also quick to push me to the battlefront and line up behind me when they are too afraid to approach lecturers for certain requests or fear repercussions. Now on some level I realise they are using me, but I suppose I can let the small things pass.

Shuri, I think you are getting too soft with age.

Sometimes, I feel like this Possum mother. Seriously. 

There are many professions I could have excelled at, such as environmentalist, zoo keeper, veterinarian, semi-failed writer, failed musician, auditor or detective. However, what I was really born to be is a record keeper who observes people, collects information and analyses patterns. While I have been attending one year of coursework in environmental science, I have also been storing information on the personal lives of nearly 23 people I met in class.

If someone were to walk into my mind, they would find a vault. In that vault are several hundred files of people, arranged according to the various circumstances I met them, for example, "Family", "School", "Undergraduate", "Masters", "Childhood", "Teachers", "2nd Job in Singapore", "Dubai", etc. Some files contain more information than others, but usually each file has a photograph, name, age, educational background, family history, career profile, likes, dislikes, temperament, skills, born talents, quality of childhood, specific life events of adversity, aspirations, hidden potential, areas of expertise, etc. Files will be updated with any new information that comes along, even if it is long after we no longer interact on a regular basis.

I am of the opinion that collecting such information is essential to make an overall quality assessment on the people I let into my world, appreciate them and help me figure out how best to interact with them.

Ah, there's robotic Shuri again.

Having to leave behind friends and move on is a recurring fact of life. Some friends keep returning to your life even after long gaps of absence. The wonderful memories collected will be archived in yet another vault. If I'm lucky, some friendships from this chapter will stick and continue to age like good wine.

I might be the Flash!

I really shouldn't be blogging because I'm supposed to have other priorities today. Sigh.

Yesterday, I set off to work from home, covering approximately 150 km in 4 hours to make it to an important meeting. On the same evening, I covered another 150 km in the bus and train to be back home to cover the B&B for two days while my mother was supposed to have a small medical procedure. Unfortunately, the return trip didn't have confirmed seats so it was two hours of standing in a crowded train until I finally got a seat to sit for the next one hour.

I was standing beside a young couple with a toddler. The toddler even smiled at me a few times and I smiled back of course. On principle, I make sure to acknowledge all smiles and waves from children. We shouldn't make them feel negative or rejected too early in life.

After some time, the people in the train were all lost in their thoughts as the train journey continued. I was daydreaming as usual while listening to calming music and watching the passing scenery when suddenly when one of the smaller bags in the overhead compartment above me fell. My hand reacted involuntarily and caught it mid air and it was only a split second after I caught it that I emerged from the depths of my daydreaming to realise what happened! I wanted to shake the people standing next to me and ask "DID YOU SEE THAT??? I'VE ONLY SEEN THE FLASH DO THAT BEFORE!!". I didn't of course, for fear of being thrown out of the train.

The Flash 

(Image Source: GTA 5 Mods)

It was a baffling experience for me. The best explanation I can think of was that I am the Flash! No, but seriously though, I think it was the presence of a toddler directly below the overhead compartment which kept a subconscious part of my brain alert since I recently watched a bag fall on a man sitting in front of me. That, or this incident never happened and I was just daydreaming all along.

Stress levels are really high these days and I'm trying not to go up in flames. Thankfully, there are plenty of good things going that keeps me afloat. Like learning new things on the job, or having moments of joy watching a sunrise from my seat in the train or having a group of incredibly supportive classmates (having similar levels of stress) to fall back on for lab reports, help with tutorials and revisions during exams.

From the Colombo Fort station

 Watching a sunrise always gives me a renewed sense of hope...

 ...and a reminder that each day can be a beginning of something new

 I even felt the warmth of the Sun's rays touch my skin through the train window. That, with the right music can easily take someone to Cloud 9.

What I need to do now is to find a way to shift to a lower gear because this hill is getting harder to climb.

Gloom looms

So it has been about six months since I left my old life behind.

What felt like this seven months ago,

This image is not complete without a "heavenly sound effect" to go with it

Image Source: fineartamerica

... now feels a bit like this!

Image Source: Think Nice

Despite the hundreds of simulations I ran in my head before I left Singapore, there was no knowing what reality would be. So a few months into this new life, I'm beginning to see areas where I may have made a few errors in judgement. Of course, not all the consequences are bad, but here are those bad ones.


Returning to graduate school

This hasn't been easy. With prolonged disuse of the brain, it degenerates and a routine job without much mental challenge accelerates decay. So nine years after my last academic stint plus eight years of doing mostly non-stimulating work, I'm struggling to keep up in class, focus on studying, pass exams and even remember small things. With five days left to the start of my end-semester exams, I've had to dig deep inside myself to fight procrastination and find ways to motivate myself to do well.

That brings me to what happens if I don't do well. If I don't achieve the minimum GPA required to be allowed to do a thesis, all this sacrifice and risk would be in vain. I can't afford to take another leap of faith again so this is the last second-chance I have.

Choosing a thesis topic is like picking out one brand of detergent in a hypermart having a hundred brands of detergent on the shelves. There are too many possibilities and too many considerations. Producing a useful thesis is what will get me acceptance to the academic world, which in turn will buy me the ticket to enter a career in conservation. It's a difficult road filled with many obstacles and no promises of success.

After a finding a good supervisor, I must consider things like not picking an overly researched area even if it is a top choice, picking a topic that will leave me with career opportunities afterwards and one that will eventually contribute (even slightly) positively to Science (and not just be a stack of paper that will be food for termites on a dusty library shelf). This thesis is going to be like my signature dish and it's going to have to be good because it will impact everything that comes after graduating from this course.

Although I have a few ideas, I have not yet succeeded in narrowing down a thesis topic. A few have warned me that I should be nearly decided by now.


Lifestyle

I've had to make some serious downgrades in my lifestyle. What I used to earn in one day in my previous job, I now have to spread out over a month. Sure, the cost of living in Sri Lanka is a fraction of what it is in Singapore, but I've still had to cut down on social activities, visits to the salon, gifts, holidays, food treats, clothes, shoes, books, Netflix, movies at the cinema, gadgets, etc, to prolong my savings. Before I left my job, I stocked up on things from clothes, to girly accessories, to stationary, down to the level of sanitary napkins (Sheldon would agree with this!) and this has served me well so far.

Although, times like these make me realise that I didn't need even half the things I thought I needed when my income was higher. In fact, a simple life can be a source of contentment. And it also made me realise that ultimately, having adequate savings, being loan-free and creating a passive source of income should be primal goals for financial security once the 20's come to an end.

I'm slightly behind in achieving those goals now, because I made a sudden change of course in life. I hope it will be worth it.


Looking after pets

Looking after two dogs is more work than I imagined. We had to get a second dog to keep company for the first one, so it was mostly a dog welfare issue. This is the first time we've had two full time dogs (most others were strays that came for food and left). It's like looking after two children. They fall sick, they need lots of attention, they have moods, they are greedy, you have to remember to bring treats for them when you go to town because they expect it, they are stubborn, they pee and poop in the house sometimes and they often stress you out.

If I closed my eyes to have a moment of calmness, I'm very likely to hear two dogs barking incessantly at some innocent passer-by, followed by a family member threatening the dogs to shut up. Or if I try to take a solitary walk in the woods around the house to look for various creatures to capture on camera, I am accompanied by two dogs and sometimes a cat in what they think as a noble duty. Only, they also chase away any sign of life. Sometimes, I wake up in the wee hours of the morning in hopes of starting a productive day of studying, only to be met with a steaming pile of dog poop to be cleaned.

Recently, Nicky (the faulty dog) fell critically ill with an advanced stage of tick fever. We thought he may not make it. After several visits to the hospital, lots of medications and critical care at home (force-feeding, keeping him warm, etc), he got better.

Lea was spayed recently. In the morning after her operation, the surgical cut had opened up and fleshy bits from the insides were hanging out. In a panic, we rushed her to a nearby vet. It was the most dingy and unhygienic clinic I have ever been to and the vet used bare fingers and unsterilised instruments to push the fleshy bits in and sew her up. We decided never to visit that vet again and we also feared she might die of sepsis. A few hours later, it too started to open up and more fleshy bits came out. She was rushed to the emergency ward that night, where they removed all her old stitches and put a new set. The poor girl went through a lot of trauma that day.

Out cat, Malky, got a fungal infection around the same time too. We took her to the vet twice, but because of the unpleasantness of having a tablet forced into her throat, she refused to come home. Her constant itching with sharp nails worsened it to bloody wounds. She was in a lot of distress. In order to take her to the vet, she was forcefully captured not once by thrice because she managed to escape twice (she's a superb escape artist). The vet said she has mange and gave her three painful injections which seems to have improved her condition.

These are the kind of responsibilities to consider when having pets (and children) and one must think very, very hard before making a commitment to have one.


Family life

A couple of days after I returned home, I was treated like royalty. This has always been the case when I came down for holidays. Tea was served to the bedside, I wasn't asked to do chores, my favourite types of food were all prepared for my delight and I was always chauffeured when going out of the house.

I even overheard my mother telling a couple of her friends over the phone, "The house feels full now and having her back has brightened the house and our lives."

Fast forward to six months later, things have changed. I get called out a lot for my forgetfulness (to close sugar jars, fold bed sheets, etc), I have to do chores the moment I am instructed, I have to help with making family decisions like what to eat for the next meal and I have to make efforts to socialise with neighbours and friends of the family.

Now my mother often questions her upbringing skills saying, "I can't believe you are a child of mine, how in the world have you learnt to live like [a pig, a gypsy, a brainless person, etc]?!".

My transition from a carefree "bachelor" life to being part of a chaotic family has not been easy. When living alone, my emotional state was pretty much a stable horizontal line. Now when living with family, it's a constantly fluctuating line with many spikes.

Gone are those days when I closed my eyes, I felt nothing but a sweeping calm of silence. Gone are also the days when I could have done virtually ANYTHING and walked out unnoticed, free of judgement and free of unsolicited advice.

Back to School

Returning to school after nine years comes with a fair share of challenges. You find that your brain isn't as sharp as it used to be in high school. Then you realise you have become an expert procrastinator, which isn't a good thing when pursuing a postgraduate level course. You also realise your hands don't cooperate anymore when writing down notes at a fast pace and your handwriting is now worse than a third grader's.

In addition to the above, I've also jumped into a science course after nearly a decade of not working in a related field (okay, maybe volunteering occasionally at the zoo counted for a little). The consequence of this is that I found myself in a class of mostly younger people who are more qualified, focused and academically sharper.

I've had to adapt to some new behaviours too. No one eats with cutlery here unless they have some kind of hand injury. Some restaurants look unhygienic and makes stomachs cringe. Students here also are used to eating together and sharing lunches. This is an effective arrangement to minimise food wastage and save money. It was a little awkward at first and years of being psychologically put down as a left-hander made me wonder if my lunch mates feel uncomfortable sharing food with me. But my two lunchmates seem to take no notice and they even voluntarily eat vegetarian food with me just so one half of a packed lunch does not go to waste.

On a related note and coming from Singapore where good hygiene is overly emphasized to reduce the spread of diseases, I find it appalling that a vast majority of public toilets in Sri Lanka do not have soap to wash hands. Even my institute that calls itself a leader in postgraduate Science education does not provide soap in the student toilets. I once voluntarily left a piece of soap for public use. Now it's over and needs replacing. I guess I'm going to be the unsung toilet hero that helped reduce the spread of gastrointestinal and respiratory infections in female students till the end of 2017. I now also carry a small bottle of hand wash wherever I travel.

Singing on class (field) trips in my native language is also something I am not used to. I have not actively paid attention to pop culture in my country for about twelve years so I've missed a lot. I also grew up in a multicultural setting in all educational institutions I've been to so it was hard to find songs for which everyone knew the lyrics to. And even for the English ones which everyone knew (mostly from singing class), we had no capable musical conductors to take the lead or musicians who could play a guitar or the conga drums. Anyhow, for this trip, I had to settle to mostly clapping and joining only when classics and songs older than twelve years were sung. I must admit, these students are very experienced at musical entertainment and even carry tiny song books with them!

"Conga" drums are a must-have on all long distance group trips in Sri Lanka. 
(Image source: Tremuloumusic)

After a couple of months here, I've started to fit in, find ways to promote harmony and feel humbled observing those around me. In most ways, I have an easy life. I live closer to the university than most (about 15 km away). I don't have a full time job or dependents to tend to, which is highly advantageous when pursuing studies. Though lacking in core subject knowledge and work experience, my English standard is above the class average which also helps. There are students who work full time jobs and travel hundreds of kilometers from various corners of the country, enduring a lot of hardships every weekend just to come for lectures. Some stay alone in hostels for the weekend and not see their families for many months on end. Some, I also learnt, do serious hands-on work in their respective environmental fields and are working hard with the goal to move onto better opportunities outside this country.

Lack of privilege is a cruel thing. If some of these driven, hardworking and capable students had the same privileges and opportunities I was fortunate enough to have while growing up, I'm sure they would have put it to better use and be in much better places by now.

According to an interesting interactive tool from the BBC called "How equal are you?", Sri Lanka ranks 84 in terms of gender equality.

 That's a positive sign too. Although, the same tool also states that only 39% of women are currently in a job or looking for work. This could imply that a vast proportion of female university graduates eventually take up stay-at-home roles (temporarily or otherwise).

In our class of 24 students, the female to male ratio is about 50:50. About 30% make up minority ethnicities. In a country that was war-torn for two and a half decades and where racial tensions with other minorities still bubble beneath the surface, one's race is a sensitive issue. When I first joined the course, I could feel the walls that the students erected around themselves and their comfort groups. There was hardly any mixing around.

Two months later, as we get to know each other better, core personalities are becoming apparent. Some are clearly leaders who like to take charge. They like to be the voice of the class and take the trouble to gather everyone on social media or worry about refreshments for everyone on class trips. Some are the suspicious and distant types who are not yet ready to be vulnerable with others. Some are the responsible types who assist the leaders and are given jobs that require accountability like being class monitors or photocopying precious notes for the whole class. Some are the leech-y types who like to take shortcuts and form alliances to receive advantages. Some are the helpful types who help other students with information, lecture notes or teach them how to do complex calculations. Some are comedians who maintain an air of lightness and joy. Some are good musicians who entertain everyone during class trips. Some are like neutrons. They keep a good balance by doing nothing good or nothing bad (this also helps reduce too much negativity).

Then there's me. I see myself as a neutral party that closely observes this fascinating ecosystem and occasionally anticipates and springs to action if someone needs help or something needs to be done to bridge gaps or maintain harmony.

It won't be long before we are more united as a class. After two field trips and some group projects, the walls between different races are very slowly coming down, trust is building up and people are connecting on a human level. Like for example, we were in groups of six in each safari vehicle during our last trip to Kaudulla National Park. At first, they laughed at me for putting on sunscreen lotion. Then they changed their minds and borrowed my lotion. Later the idiots thanked me for helping them minimise exposure to harmful UV radiation. Soon after, everyone was asking each other's life histories, work places, ages, showing photos of their partners, joking about being bald, exchanging phone numbers to keep in touch, congratulating some who just became new parents or newly engaged, etc.

Most of these migratory elephant herds spotted at Minneriya National Park last month have moved through the Elephant Corridor at Kaudulla-Minneriya to Kaudulla National Park. 

We went on a field trip to Kaudulla National Park see elephants, other mammals and loads of birds. Thanks to the sharp eyes of our lecturer and the collective group, we spotted a Ruddy mongoose, Golden jackals, Toque macaques, Grey langurs and the Sri Lankan axis deer for mammals (that's 6 out of a reported 24 mammals in this park). The lecturer is a huge fan of birds so he was clearly biased towards them and had to help us out in identifying nearly 35 species of birds (out of a reported 160 species of birds). Honestly, some types of birds looked the same to me so I have a lot to catching up to do to become familiar with identifying birds. And just to make my day complete with reptiles, we spotted a Water monitor lizard, Common garden lizard and a freshwater testudine that looked like an Indian black turtle (that's 3 out of 25 reported reptiles).

Overall, it was a fun trip and perhaps a sign of good things to come.

We are what we eat

It almost feels like my body is syncing with a remote server in Europe since my trip there last August. I can feel the approaching winter and my body is gearing for the hibernation mode. My appetite has increased massively (towards comfort food) and so has fat stores in the abdominal area, obviously for insulation and the gradual release of nutrients when food is scarce. I also don't feel like socialising much (except with the inner circle of family and friends) and I assume it helps conserve precious energy stores. Even my leisure time activities are now centered around passively sitting, sleeping, watching or reading as opposed to swimming or hiking or dancing.

The other day, Ryuu and I finally (years since we first agreed on the plan) re-visited our old university. It was good to walk around campus, reminisce the past, notice how things have changed and yet how some things have not changed as all. It turned out that after all these years (6.5 years for me), the strongest memories we had were - not academic matters - but the best places on campus that had good food. It think it merely highlights that food plays a very important role in every student's life.

A sandwich machine fondly remembered by Ryuu who also swore the sandwiches tasted better back then

A green area by the Central Library that I used to sit and have quick lunches in between lectures.

The horrors of staying up overnight, frequenting vending machines for sustenance and studying for dear life.

The university had several new buildings that had popped up like mushrooms 

 Evidence of student extra curricular activities

Student residence areas

 Overall, it appeared like the campus has adopted a lot of green initiatives since our time

 The dining hall of my old hall of residence

Unfortunately, my phone battery died an hour or so into the trip and that put a dent on my plan to write a descriptive post of  the trip, complete with photos. Also, we stuffed ourselves with really good food from an Indian food stall at one of the student residences and that is the last thing I remember. Come to think of it, I don't even recall how I got home.

The dwelling

"You know what might be fun?", I heard myself ask.
"YEAH!!! A night blog-a-thon!!", came the instant reply.

So here I am dosed up on a cup of coffee past midnight, determined to make it to the finish line and hoping I wont hit anyone at work tomorrow, being obviously sleep deprived. Why? Because my imaginary therapist was right. I am going to explode with overwhelming thoughts any day now.

In the past few weeks at work, when I really should be working, I have often found myself living inside my head (more than usual). But it happens that I seem to deliver the best speeches when I'm drifting off to sleep and draft good blog posts in my head when I am at work (somewhat like how I perform in rock concerts and play violin solos when I'm commuting in the train and how I travel the world and swim with the whales when I am in the bus).

Not having the luxury of sitting and blogging on a regular basis has taken its toll on me. It's not that I turn out world class posts or have pressing issues to blog on, but the simple process of downloading thoughts to an editable screen in front, that allows undo-ing, rephrasing, reviewing, etc, seems to have a magical effect on me. Like the new burner I got recently.

Back in university, we had to take several cross-discipline modules as part of the requirements to graduate. A lot of students saw it as a burden and a distraction from focusing on the core modules of their major. But not me! I had too much fun picking an array of modules on Astronomy, French, Computing, Quantum Physics, Psychology, Food Science, Communication, Tamil and Complementary Medicine. Doing those modules on external topics I was highly interested kept me sane enough to survive the competitive atmosphere of a South East Asian tertiary education system.

I recall bits of a lecture from the Complementary Medicine module on the effect of essential oils on the human senses and general well being. To put it to test, I bought a burner and tried a "mandarin and tangelo" infusion in my new room. It smells divine. And look at me, the oils have already made my brain think it's okay to stay up late and rattle about useless things.

Shu's new essential oil burner, which the sales lady assured won't set off any smoke alarms

I love the new room! It's clean, spacious and it's got Shu written all over it. There's more redecoration work to be done!