The nun from hell

I shuttle between two offices during the week. Lately, I’ve been spending more time at my new office than the one at the UN compound.

This office is an old-fashioned, large, single-floor house that has been converted to a multi-purpose office. I learnt that this place has a lot of history. Even now, the building has remnants of various publications stacked up in shelves, novels written by a famous local author (deceased) and lots of artwork on the walls that depict womanhood through the eyes of various artists (they tell me there used to be many art workshops then). The place is owned by three NGOs that work on women’s rights. Things have quietened down now for women’s rights activists. Most of those young activists who started out many decades ago are old now, some have passed away and some have moved to other sectors like the environment (and that’s how I got to know some of them). Parts of the office have now been leased to other NGOs like ours.

Work of an unknown artist which is hung right opposite my desk. Pretty depressing sight, if you ask me. Shows a bride looking at a reflection of herself with two kids in tow, bent over a large pot of food while also doing other house chores. I'm going to request for a change of scenery! 

One lady remembers those glory days of theirs when they marched in the streets for women’s rights. She tells me that young people these days don’t like to do that. That’s true, I prefer to voice out from behind a laptop screen than shout out in the streets (even for environmental causes). My generation has it a little easier, I suppose. Back then, times were worse for women; there was more oppression, less opportunities in education and work, early marriages, female child labour, basically many things to fight for. Now there are little or no barriers in education for women in Sri Lanka. Career-wise, the gender ratios are healthier. Under-aged children working as "servants" (that's what they call them in Sri Lanka) are rare because laws are tough on people who try to exploit children. Under-aged marriages have reduced with better literacy rates. What remains are mostly the age-old issues like rape, domestic violence, power imbalance in marriages with a dominating male partner, unfair division of labour in marriages and objectification of women. These are the ongoing struggles of most women in vulnerable communities and some women in not-so-vulnerable communities.

This lady, who I assume is in her sixties tells me she worked hard and mostly voluntarily (to the dismay of her family sometimes) with NGOs when she was young to push for equal opportunities for women and bring about social reform. She’s quite the remarkable character and what strikes me the most is her skill in dealing with people from all social strata with ease; all the way from the top (politicians, high profile people, academics) to colleagues and down to the level of people who work for her (like her helpers and drivers) and people from low income backgrounds. Although she’s moved to the environment sector now, I could tell her passion lies in fighting injustice for women in marginalised and oppressed communities. She’s great (and hilarious) when it comes to conversations on open-minded topics, marriage, women’s reproductive rights, male chauvinists, religious leaders who take a keen interest on women’s genitals, injustice to the environment, etc. On field visits, she’s the best travel buddy anyone could wish for because she’s so curious to explore new areas, try new food from roadside places specially the home-cooked types, buy fruits and vegetables from small roadside vendors (and distribute to her friends later) and strike conversations with random people to learn about interesting facts. She still has so much fire and a thirst for adventure for her age that when I am with her, I feel it’s contagious. But this post was not meant to be about her!

This post is about another lady who used to work in one of the NGOs, again on women’s rights. I’ve been told she was quite the fire cracker back then. Now she’s become ordained as a Buddhist nun, lives forcibly in this office and emotionally blackmails anyone who tries to evict her, saying that they would go to hell. Normally, monks and nuns take up a life of simplicity, living on charity after having given up their material possessions, in order to focus on selfless service to the community and the pursuit of spiritual goals. On the other hand, this nun has become very possessive and has forcibly acquired furniture, appliances and even a scythe-like tool for cutting grass, claiming it’s hers now. There’s a box with a padlock in the kitchen, which I am told contains her kitchen utensils. She’s paranoid when vehicles comes to the office and goes, and she relies on a few neighbours to spy on “suspicious” activities in the office while she's not around. As I’ve also been told, she’s too curious and goes through our office belongings after we leave, so we have to lock up everything and leave nothing open on the tables. She acquires things like soap that has been put in the toilet for common use. She rarely speaks good of anyone, too, I hear. She’s basically impossible to communicate with, irrational, hasn’t developed the skills to respectfully co-exist with other people (which is why she can’t survive in a nunnery with other nuns) and uses the excuse of religion to establish some kind of authority over others through fear. Well, those fear tactics could work for someone who believes they can go to hell for offending anyone claiming to be a holy person or is wearing a uniform of a holy person.

Now everything I’ve heard so far are one-sided (yet similar) accounts from about three people. Being here only a few days, I am yet to meet this personality who sounds like a character from a tele-drama plot! On the other hand, it’s good to be informed. Given my hopeless level of assertiveness (as a close friend recently pointed out, I apparently have the assertiveness of a water flea), I fear I might be caught in the cross fire of these estrogen-powered politics and be expected to take sides. At times like these, I remember the ease with which I worked in an all-male team in my previous job. If there is no threat of harassment from male colleagues, things are much simpler and straightforward with men.

I'm no psychologist and my predictions of people have failed many a time. From what I’ve gathered about her behaviour, she appears mentally imbalanced and suffers from a variety of mental complexes like paranoia. She's most probably deeply unhappy, frightened and is probably a lonely soul inside. Also the relationship my colleagues have with her might be one full of misunderstandings and unaddressed emotions build over a long course of history working together, and therefore biased. 

Feeling compassionate for people exhibiting unnatural behaviour and trying to be nice to them or help them have almost always back fired on me, so I’m going to remain super cautious on this one. Also, this situation made me realise how much (good) relationships matter in life. You have to be ready to give as much as you are willing to take from the people around you.

On a positive note, I suppose we have to feel thankful to the women (and feminist men) before us, who fought for equal opportunities and created waves of change in society. The battles are not over, but it is because of their courage, defiance to conform, their struggles and their vision that we have the level of comfort we have today. So is it also not our duty to speak up for injustice (of any kind) when we see it around us?

People: Kumudu

My mother has a new helper who comes and helps us with housekeeping and making tofu. With me moving to the city to do a job and being occupied on weekends with my Master's research project, I can no longer help with housekeeping and guest welcoming activities at our Bed & Breakfast. The lady who used to help my mother earlier with making tofu no longer needed this second part time job since her elder son is now able to support her and her younger son.

The new helper is a lady in the village called Kumudu. On first impressions, she's very obese, moves slowly, is very chatty and has a hoarse but kind voice. She has a strong air of negativity around her, always speaking of her poverty, loans she has to pay off, family problems, health problems and a myriad of other problems. She also makes bad decisions in life, mostly by trusting people too much. She worked in Singapore as a domestic helper for several years, but she used up all her savings for various family issues. The last house she worked in didn't pay her several months of salary but Kumudu left the country and never followed up/ didn't know how to follow up. She also send an agent money for a life insurance for 3 years while she was abroad, but it seems this agent is now on the run and Kumudu does not have her money. Wherever she goes, she is very prone to exploitation because of her poverty, non-assertiveness, ignorance and tendency to trust people.

This is her story, as we've gathered over time.

When she was 16 years old and going to school, she was stalked and hounded by a boy in the village not much older than she was. He was a boy with a bad reputation and bad temper. He persisted in trying to gain her attention and even insisted to her mother on wanting to marrying her. Kumudu remembers being scared but for her, an alternate universe where she had choice in making decisions about her life did not exist. Even though the mother tried to stop it, the boy's mother had begged Kumudu's mother to let him have Kumudu and that she'll protect Kumudu because he had been torturing his own mother about it. Eventually, Kumudu's mother, for lack of better options in their poverty-striken lives, gave Kumudu away to go live with him.

The legal marriageable age in Sri Lanka according to the law (this excludes Muslims, who are subject to the Muslim Law which has no minimum age for marriage) is 18 years.

For the first few weeks of Kumudu moving into the boy's house, the boy's mother had protected Kumudu and slept with her. Eventually, the boy grew impatient and demanded that Kumudu sleep with him. We can safely assume that on the first day, a frightened 16 year old girl was raped while having no clue about sexual intercourse. Again, for her, an alternate universe where she had equal rights to gain pleasure from sexual intimacy never existed/ exists.

Stories like these are common in families of this socioeconomic status. Life does go on, and Kumudu went on to have four children. Her four children are married and now Kumudu has a total of twelve grandchildren, all of whom she adores. Her husband is engaged in many vices; drinking, smoking, taking drugs, gambling, extra-marital affairs and domestic violence. There's hardly been a day of joy or relief in Kumudu's life. Despite many health issues, she now works 4 part time odd jobs cleaning houses, pasting envelopes, making paper bags and selling tea leaves to make ends meet because her husband fails to contribute. In the past she's worked overseas and even worked in a quarry breaking up stones to be able to send her children to school. She also contributes most of her earnings for her grandchildren's well-being (education and food) because some of their parents are unable to make ends meet. Kumudu is therefore in a state of constant debt and poverty.

Kumudu has one son who's taken after his father. He drives a tuk tuk for his daytime job, he also uses drugs and gambles. Although he has a good wife (who gets along with Kumudu so well, which is not very common in a mother-in law and daughter-in-law relationship) and four children, he comes home drunk a lot, loses his temper and beats the living daylights off his wife. His children watch. Some days Kumudu says she can't sleep when her son or husband is late to come home because she's afraid of what is going to happen when the men arrive. She mostly fears not for herself, but for her daughter-in-law.

I once met her daughter-in-law. She's a pretty thing with a big smile and four children. No one would think that behind that smile lies so much misery.

When we need to contact Kumudu, we have to call her son to arrange it. Kumudu and her daughter-in-law do not own mobile phones. Their husbands have forbidden it, out of fear that their wives will call other men or have extra-marital affairs. Kumudu's daughter-in-law is forbidden to leave the house except for certain trips that her husband approves. She helps her mother-in-law with pasting envelopes and making paper bags from home. Kumudu is allowed to go work but she has a curfew. If she is not home be a certain time, she has to explain herself or get beaten.

Up until recently, Kumudu worked in another house for several days in the week. The woman there was nasty. Kumudu was expected to handwash the whole family's clothes, help with cooking, feed and look after a heavy toddler, and clean the house for a full day's salary of 600 rupees (USD 4). Often, she was too sick from joint and back pains to go to work the next day. Kumudu had once, as a desperate measure, taken a personal loan of 6000 rupees (40 USD) from the woman of this house. In an attempt to keep Kumudu bound to the job for a very long time, the woman refused to deduct more that Rs 100 (USD 0.70) from the loan amount for each day worked. She's still trying to pay it off.

Some of Kumudu's grandchildren have various problems in school. They have been associated with drugs, cigarettes, stealing, fights, boys bullying girls and girls seeking the attention of boys. My mother asked Kumudu to send the older kids for a discussion session once a week. I've observed my mother trying to get close to them by talking to them about good behaviour and doing fun activities like making various types of food. They like coming over to our house. She insists that these children can be saved from leading dysfunctional lives like their parents with proper intervention.

Kumudu also believes that the only chance for her grandchildren to escape poverty is to study well. That's why she spends nearly all her savings on them. She's unaware that these grandchildren most likely will also carry forward destructive habits and behaviours they have observed from their parents and grandparents. The boys will adopt misogynistic attitudes in this patriarchal society. The girls will accept their submissive female roles in society and ignorantly bring up their sons to feel superior.

It appears to be vicious cycle.

I've asked my mother if anything can be done to help these women get out of this cycle of abuse. We could call the police, we discussed, but our anonymity may not be maintained. Worst case, Kumudu and her grandchildren maybe forbidden to visit our house. We could talk to our village in-charge (Grama Niladhari) and see if anything can be done. She's a lady so maybe she will have the compassion to get involved and try to solve this problem. There's also the chairman of the village welfare society, who we plan to get advice from. He's a man. If he doesn't believe that husbands have a right to beat and discipline their wives once in a while, he may be willing to help.

Domestic violence is surprisingly too common here. It is widely believed that domestic disputes should be settled at home and wife beating is ‘part and parcel of married life’. In fact, a local saying suggests that "there are three things you can beat: the dog, the drum and the woman". A new report released in October 2017 estimates that 60 per cent of women in Sri Lanka will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lifetimes. For some, the violence appears bound to the country’s increasing levels of male alcoholism. Drinking-related issues are more than twice as common in Sri Lanka than across the rest of South Asia. For others, it’s linked to drugs (recent countrywide figures suggest there are over 45,000 regular users of heroin).

For some women, this is a normal part of married life

In 2005, Sri Lanka enacted the Prevention of Domestic Violence Act (PDVA) No 34 of 2005. However, it is not 100% effective in protecting victims of domestic violence. Even though the penal code classifies violence as a criminal act, the PDVA does not criminalise the beating of one’s spouse. It only protects the victim by way of a Protection Order which is only valid for one year, after which the victim is made vulnerable once again. If the protection order is violated by the abuser, the court may order a fine not exceeding 10,000 rupees (USD 65) or sentence imprisonment not exceeding one year. The support systems for women are weak or non-existent. There are no mechanisms in place to provide the victim with medical care, economic support until they are able to support themselves and assistance in caring for their children or ensuring that the children are not abducted after school by the abusive husband. Marital rape is also not considered ‘rape’ in Sri Lanka's penal code. 

Given all these facts, most women choose to stay in abusive relationships without seeking help from the law. They keep running back to their abusers because of codependency issues and/or fear of social stigma. The power imbalance in these relationships is so great and added with sustained emotional abuse over time, these women are convinced there is no way out.  If there are children involved, they see no future where they can survive without a husband/ father figure in this society. After a while, even neighbours, relatives and friends become immune to known cases of repeated domestic violence. At times, the best advice they can offer is to "try to work things out with your husband". At other times, well-wishers realise that the victim does not want to attempt to break free from the abuser so they give up any efforts to help. In reality, breaking free is not as easy as it sounds.

So what can a victim really do?

Abusers have emotional control over their victims. It is unlikely that a victim's first thought is to get help from the Police. The authorities can't put the abusers away for a long period of time. Existing laws don't enable the authorities to do that.

Will the authorities be able to guarantee these women long term protection? Assuming the abusers are locked up for one incident, what happens when they return from imprisonment? Are they not going to hurt their wives even more as revenge? Perhaps in a fit of rage, they can even attempt to kill these women. Do the authorities do regular follow up checks to ensure the abusers are not repeating the abuse?

Can any form of reformative training change the abusive habit patterns of these men? No one knows. Even if it was successful, it's not implemented here.

For the moment, it appears that victims of domestic violence in Sri Lanka have not much choice but to embrace their ill fate.

Kumudu's spirit of survival, in the harsh circumstances that life has given her, is noteworthy.

Let's talk about sex

My baby sister is pregnant! It's a trying time for our family as we are alternating between phases of joy and horror. When I first heard it, I was over-joyed at the prospect of having a few more furry additions to our family. But my mom - to whom my baby sister is well, still a baby - isn't taking it too well and she's been cursing "the perpetrator" who in her eyes is a sick predator preying on little children. After all, she is only about seven months old and clearly in no state of mental maturity to embrace motherhood. Perhaps she dived in willingly without being armed with all the facts a young adult should have.

She's got a loving family who is going to support her through "the crisis". Not many do.

Sex education and development of one's sexual image in many Asian (and I suspect other conservative) societies fails to prepare young adults, especially girls, for the real world. It is not just a biology lesson; there are emotional, social, cultural, religious and ethical tags attached to it too. Also, when talking about sex education, gender equality and sexual orientation can no longer be factored out. Many find themselves hurled from years of protective embrace from their parents into the real world, armed with nothing but a (badly illustrated) text book knowledge and/or engraved cultural/ religious notions like going to hell for even contemplating about sex before lawful marriage or being non-heterosexual or that the worth of a woman lies in her virginity.

So during that period between first contemplating sex and the lawful marriage, on one extreme, some of these young adults who may not have received a well rounded sex education or developed a healthy sexual image may engage in risky sexual behaviour, have to deal with unwanted pregnancies, become involved in cyber-bullying and sexual violence, catch STDs or worse, contract AIDS. On the other extreme, another group of women naively enter their first lawful marriage to find out that their patriarchal society/culture measures her worth primarily by her chastity yet, none of that applies to her first lawful husband and she can't expect the same of him. And some men in these societies enter their lawful marriage believing it is their right to demand that his wife be a virgin (otherwise he may choose to pay a bride price of less monetary value for her worth).

I'm playing with extremes here, but the truth is a lot of conservative parents don't have the talk of the birds and the bees and the pill and the latex condoms with their children or entertain any questions. Due to their inability to address it, they prefer schools and the Internet to bridge this gap (which in some cases work out). For one thing, conservative parents who didn't receive this lesson from their parents are mostly at a loss to sit down and talk to their curious children about something as personal and taboo as sex. And for another, it's not an easy talk to have for either party when one's cultural/ religious influences stand in the way.

Apart from the technicalities, enough emphasis is not placed on the fact that one's sexuality is a personal choice therefore one becomes solely responsible for the consequences of one's actions relating to one's sexuality. Girls are not told enough that they can say NO to sex if they are not comfortable with it or to fight back when harassed or abused; they learn from an early age to be submissive and keep quiet out of reasons like shame or guilt. Boys often watch how their fathers treat their mothers and go on to treat their wives/ girlfriends in the same way and on the negative extreme, it can lead to generation upon generation of disrespect to the opposite gender and even violence.

I think somewhere among all the extremes, there is a dimension where both male and female children can be properly educated on sex and their rights, encouraged to respect the opposite sex and be empowered to have a healthy sexual image of oneself and one's actions relating to it.

On a related note, the Internet has given a voice to many female rights activists:
https://www.facebook.com/womenbloggers
http://wbsa.wordpress.com/

Though this post wasn't really about my baby sister, I look forward to seeing her get through her term and have a healthy litter!