I might be the Flash!

I really shouldn't be blogging because I'm supposed to have other priorities today. Sigh.

Yesterday, I set off to work from home, covering approximately 150 km in 4 hours to make it to an important meeting. On the same evening, I covered another 150 km in the bus and train to be back home to cover the B&B for two days while my mother was supposed to have a small medical procedure. Unfortunately, the return trip didn't have confirmed seats so it was two hours of standing in a crowded train until I finally got a seat to sit for the next one hour.

I was standing beside a young couple with a toddler. The toddler even smiled at me a few times and I smiled back of course. On principle, I make sure to acknowledge all smiles and waves from children. We shouldn't make them feel negative or rejected too early in life.

After some time, the people in the train were all lost in their thoughts as the train journey continued. I was daydreaming as usual while listening to calming music and watching the passing scenery when suddenly when one of the smaller bags in the overhead compartment above me fell. My hand reacted involuntarily and caught it mid air and it was only a split second after I caught it that I emerged from the depths of my daydreaming to realise what happened! I wanted to shake the people standing next to me and ask "DID YOU SEE THAT??? I'VE ONLY SEEN THE FLASH DO THAT BEFORE!!". I didn't of course, for fear of being thrown out of the train.

The Flash 

(Image Source: GTA 5 Mods)

It was a baffling experience for me. The best explanation I can think of was that I am the Flash! No, but seriously though, I think it was the presence of a toddler directly below the overhead compartment which kept a subconscious part of my brain alert since I recently watched a bag fall on a man sitting in front of me. That, or this incident never happened and I was just daydreaming all along.

Stress levels are really high these days and I'm trying not to go up in flames. Thankfully, there are plenty of good things going that keeps me afloat. Like learning new things on the job, or having moments of joy watching a sunrise from my seat in the train or having a group of incredibly supportive classmates (having similar levels of stress) to fall back on for lab reports, help with tutorials and revisions during exams.

From the Colombo Fort station

 Watching a sunrise always gives me a renewed sense of hope...

 ...and a reminder that each day can be a beginning of something new

 I even felt the warmth of the Sun's rays touch my skin through the train window. That, with the right music can easily take someone to Cloud 9.

What I need to do now is to find a way to shift to a lower gear because this hill is getting harder to climb.

Pushing limits

Watching this video that a friend shared on Facebook today gave me inspiration for this mini-post.

Basically, the video says that being busy can be good for the following reasons:

• Being productive is a vital part of our human existence
• Being busy also means you are constantly improving yourself
• When you’re busy, you are also learning more things about yourself and pushing your boundaries
• When you’re busy, you surely have no time for negativity

Blogging or journaling, with its many famed benefits, is usually in my list of to-do's, along with things such as practice the violin, read a book, go visit new places, meditate, etc. However, what usually happens is that I always seem to have a lot of other things to do and these leisurely pursuits get pushed to the back of my head and stay there like a constant headache.

Once again in my life, it feels like finding that blissful place of relaxation is like attempting to find an oasis in a desert. My personality still baffles me because sometimes I feel like a walking paradox. I dislike taking responsibilities of any sort that makes my life complicated, however, I inevitably end up with a full plate of responsibilities and occupations that I can't seem to shake off. 

In my previous job in Singapore, I worked insane hours (60 - 70 hours a week) for too long (3 years 9 months) and towards the last leg of that race, I thought I was having clinical depression. To be on the safe side - mostly because I am a hypochondriac and I was sure my medical insurance would cover my self-diagnosed depression - I walked into a psychologist's office, for the third time within 12 years. Mental health is still taboo but becoming less so. While people won't flinch to hear that someone visited a doctor for a sniffle, many would roll eyes and/ or feel ashamed to admit to visiting a psychologist for a mental ailment. It turned out what I had was not clinical depression, but something called an "adjustment disorder" and for the benefit of my well being, I was asked to change that lifestyle as soon as possible.

(Funny story, my medical insurance did not cover my visit because it wasn't clinical depression and I was slapped with a jaw-dropping bill, which made me want to go back in time and take a Bachelor's degree in Psychology instead of Life Sciences, failing which, invest in an advanced hypnotherapy class to convince myself I am superhuman.)

Fast forward to my life now, I am doing a Master's degree on my weekends and at other times, I manage three jobs (working for two NGO's and one Bed & Breakfast) while I shuttle weekly between my home town in Kandy and the capital city which is about 125 km away. These days, I'm lagging behind in a lot of work, not in the best of health, not the best friend I can be to some of my closest friends, not doing as well as I should in university, etc. Basically, it's a struggle and yet I oscillate between that and a state of adrenaline rush, happy to be engaged and wanting to see how far I can challenge myself (as this article details).

History tells me that I should tread with caution.