The Sunday Classifieds

According to my weekly routine, I took the early morning train this morning to make the 2hr 45mins journey from home to office. Train journeys are my favourite. I can hardly sleep while traveling by train because looking out the window (at green paddy fields, paddy farmers at work, birds and other scenery), reading a book in solitude, listening to music or being lost in thought feels so good and therapeutic. I actually feel a bit disheartened when I get closer to the alighting station (unless I really have to use a toilet!).

As I neared my office, I got a message from the boss saying that the office is not yet ready (we shifted last week) so we have to take today and tomorrow off.

Hurrah!

Not sure what to do with myself, I contemplated taking the big red tour bus (mostly for tourists) for sightseeing around the city of Colombo. Or a 2 hr trip to the Galle Fort for some photography. Or a visit to the Butterfly Garden at Moratuwa. In the end, I decided to stay in and relax because last weekend at home was hectic and I could do with some rest.

After downing half a bag of chips, I ate a large bar of Bounty chocolate followed by instant noodles for lunch (small joys of having a day off in solitude). Then my Aunty gave me a newspaper clipping about a newly opened Mangrove Museum that she had saved for me. After I was done reading and when I turned the page over, I stumbled on the "Marriage Proposals" section and discovered I had hit a gold mine (of entertainment).

Out of a total of 107 advertisements, 60 belonged to people, mostly parents, trying to "auction" their daughters to a prospective groom. 47 belonged to people, again mostly parents, who tried to attract a trophy wife for their supposedly perfect son. It appears there is a surplus of females in the marriage market, compared to males.

The first thing that strikes (a cynical) one who reads these is the overwhelming amount of showing off required to pitch one's son or daughter of marriageable age to a potential partner. Next is how most are marketed like perfect people who have good height, looks, character, excellent qualifications, are endowed with wealth, etc. Mind, these high marriage expectations are mostly those of the parents and not necessarily of their children to be married. There were even hints of embarrassment by parents whose daughters though well educated, were a little older.

Here are some of Shuri's picks from a "Marriage Proposals" section in a Sri Lankan newspaper. It really is a good reflection of how people of Sri Lanka feel about arranged marriages.

It sounds almost as if the parents are apologetic because their daughter had to study too long and because she's older now (but thank goodness she looks "younger than her age"!). Also "we pat ourselves on the back for finding a medical doctor wife for our PhD son, through an advertisement like this!"

Somehow, the parents can confidently vouch for their son's abstinence from alcohol and all other "vices" that young men are tempted into these days. Also, the mother wants a daughter who is 75% about the looks ("fair, pretty and slim") and 25% about brains ("academically qualified").

Did he just call himself "smart"?

We are richhh.

Hailing from a very famous family, devoid of all vices and looking for a very beautiful daughter.

Oh dear, the poor boy has been cursed because of his parents planets! 

Tip: Age, height and adjectives on looks should appear before educational qualifications when marketing your daughter.

Did the mother just humiliate her daughter in public media by calling her "bit chubby"? Does the daughter even know about this? (Probably not).

 Don't worry, she's 38 but looks only 25. I wonder if these parents who are embarrassed by the age and looks of their daughter managed to instill a healthy level of self-esteem in their daughter while she grew up. Again, probably not.

Only 1 out of 107 advertisements humanised the subject of the advertisement by adding a line about her interests. Whew.

To be fair, an advertisement with very little information also rouses suspicion. "Is he a murderer who killed off the people who were previously contributing to his encumbrances?"

With increasing mobility and scattering of people around the globe, there is more isolation of certain nationalities in foreign lands. For conservative families that want to retain their cultural roots by dictating the terms of marriage for their children, arranged marriages are perhaps the only way forward. And it is almost statistically impossible for people of marriageable age to find partners on their own who fulfill the marriage criteria set by their parents. To sieve through so many marriage proposal advertisements to find a match and then do the formalities after an initial match is found (leading to wedding, if successful) are extremely tedious tasks. Most Asian parents willingly go through this obligation with much devotion, patience and hope to ensure a happily ever after for their children. Else, they see it as a failure of their duties as parents and a conservative society will keep reminding them should they fail. Parents at this stage don't see what all the fuss from their children is (to agree to a good match) after all the trouble they took to ensure that the compatibility of the two persons (measured by caste, religion, socioeconomic factors and astrology) had the highest possible score. 

Personally, I see nothing wrong with an arranged marriage if it is 1. consensual, 2. if marriage itself (and starting a family) were part of someone's goals in life, either by choice or by sticking to societal norms, and 3. passing down religious values, culture and traditions are an important aspect. After all, an arranged marriage is convenient, it comes with an extended warranty (from family, relatives and friends who vouched for the marriage), one can finally start a family of their own, there are good chances of succeeding in life financially because education, occupation and wealth factors were carefully considered from the initial stages and cultural roots can be maintained. Also, the concept of "falling in love" first (this being mainly emotion-driven) and giving secondary importance to other compatibility factors are not necessarily an assurance of a lasting marriage. In all cases of marriage (arranged and non-arranged), constant effort and contribution by both parties to keep the relationship healthy, is the only indicator of lasting success and happiness. 

Disclaimer: Shuri remains convinced that the idea of a marriage (for the sake of achieving a milestone) does not align with her priorities or goals in life. Although Shuri is fond of children and they seem to like her back, she is not entirely sure she wants 100% ownership of them or that she can manage the anxiety that will come with such a big responsibility (of ensuring their safety always and good character). Shuri is also aware that the possibility of remaining single to the end of her days requires resolve  - to tide through life's challenges without a dedicated companion, be an outcast in society and accept illness and death alone and gracefully as it comes - and she feels she can handle it. 

To believe or not

The other day, I called my mother frantically and told her, "MOTHER, I'M BURNING, WHAT SHOULD I DO???"

(I had a urinary tract infection and two painful styes in both eyes)

However old you get, you can never replace that comforting feeling you get from your mother, especially when you are sick. She calmed me down and gave a list of things to drink, if I could find them at that hour of the night; king coconut water, boiled cumin, boiled barley or aloe vera.

Then after I hung up, she called me up again a few times to add more things to the list.

"MOTHER CAN YOU STOP CALLING NOW I HAVE TO GO MAKE THE BARLEY QUICKLY. I'M BURNING?!" said I, sounding somewhat ungrateful.

Within a day of home remedies, my UTI and styes in both my eyes reduced significantly, something that the 5 days of antibiotics prior to that could not cure. Sure, it could be that it took time for the antibiotic course to finally act. However, once people in cultures like ours become desperate to get better, they tend to mix contemporary and traditional remedies at the same time (against medical advice), so usually, it is hard to conclude which remedy actually cured the disease.

The new and older generations differ in their opinions on traditional medicine like Ayurvedic medicine. The new generation prefers "western" medicine because it is fast acting (at least in curing the symptoms), scientifically proven, quantified with various modern diagnostic tests available to know the status of a disease. The older generation prefers time tested traditional medicine made of herbs and natural ingredients because even though they are slow acting and cumbersome to prepare, it gives little or no side effects and it takes a holistic approach to cure a disease by restoring the natural balance of the body (not by treating just one or more isolated symptoms). While some think that it could be a case of the "placebo effect" for traditional medicine, others swear by its goodness.

Astrology faces similar scrutiny from newer generations. Traditionally, astrology is an important part of our culture starting from the birth of a child, to puberty, to marriage, new businesses, building a new house and nearly every other special event in life. New generations tend to push off astrology as non-scientific and pure quackery! There are a significant amount of fraudsters that prey on the vulnerabilities of people to astrology to make quick bucks, but again like traditional medicine, many resort to it when things in life spiral out of control or fear takes over or because they don't want to take a chance (in case they were wrong not to believe in it!). Could planets actually affect one's personality and is one's destiny precomposed? That's a little hard to accept personally, however, I've found that the general personality descriptions of the astrological signs (e.g. Cancer, Rooster, etc) do seem to be applicable.

Image source: Cartoonstock

Another interesting phenomenon are people who claim to have divine powers to foresee the future or cure diseases that modern medicine can't. Some claim it's their dead family members or relatives that speak through them. Others claim it is someone divine that wishes to help people through them. My mother being a curious creature has been to various such people over the years through recommendations, and I have been dragged along quite unwillingly. When I was younger, I feared that these people would read my mind and expose the secrets I kept inside. As I got older, I wanted to challenge them to expose my secrets and try to observe what might be going on beyond the veil of faith. While it is hard to verify if there is any rational explanation to this occurrence, A skeptic like me would assume these people are good with reading body language of others, convincing speakers and clever in carving out a special niche for a profession. Also, it is easy to see how having a lot of followers can be a huge ego boost to these people, which may even make them mentally imbalanced and manipulative. On the other hand, if a tragedy strikes us, like seeing a loved one battle a terminal illness, we would push aside all our reservations and accept any paranormal miracle that promises a cure.

Intuition is another thing that is hard to explain with Science. That "gut feeling" telling you of things to do or not to do, which turns out to be right later. It is more convincing than superstition. It continues to guide us in the decisions we make in life, if we are sensitive enough to feel it. It might be a level of psychological sensitivity that is present more in some brain circuits than others.

People who believe, continue to believe. Whether it is religion, superstition, traditional medicine, astrology or paranormal phenomena - it is hard to convince people of the opposite of what they believe, even in the presence of evidence. Also, the belief levels of people in these things we can't explain tend to be in a varying scale. While some are hard core believers, others may be somewhere in the middle (like me) or completely disbelievers. Again, it appears so due to the nature of how people are psychologically wired.

Not counting factors like socioeconomic status, it is possible that our beliefs and rationality ratios change with the various stages of life. Older people tend to be more religious, superstitious and believing in the inexplicable. Maybe older people make peace with the conflict younger people have in whether to believe or not in these things. There is also the possibility that Science, as a growing field, is yet to uncover explanations for some of the things we find hard to believe at present.