Friday, June 29, 2012

Un-wiring and Re-wiring the Brain Circuits

It's about time to do something about my chorophobia (yes, they even coined a term for the irrational fear of dancing!), which is but a small side effect of my larger and more complex issue of social anxiety

It's hard to understand all the factors that led me into being like this. For all I know it was a slow transformation that occurred subconsciously for many many years. But what I do know now and what actually matters is that nearly all these associated fears are irrational and worse, it holds me back from enjoying the things I like, getting the things I want and living my life to the truest potential. Sometimes, the solutions aren't too clear or easy, yet sometimes, it can be as simple as strapping yourself to a paraglider + paragliding pilot and jumping off a cliff or even buying a $20 Groupon voucher for 4 dance classes.

This was an open Hip Hop class for beginners. Salsa wasn't really my thing, as I found out last year. After a rather disappointing interview earlier in the day, I was very much looking forward to this and made my way there early to sign up. I did the mistake of skipping dinner and tea before the class.

Very soon the instructor walked in and made us do some warm-ups. Ouch! Those hurt. Then we all stood up to start, and WHOOSH - Shuri was hit by a wave of postural hypertension. She announced "Today, we are going to learn a very sensual dance and it involves a lot of touching yourself" O_O Anyhow, it turned out she didn't choose her words carefully because it wasn't as bad as she put it. Sure, there were some hip shaking and butt pointing, but nothing too freaky. 

The class was actually okay. The instructor was really good at what she does and a pleasure to watch. It seemed to come naturally to her and she clearly enjoyed dancing [Awww, I wanna be able to dance just like that!]. There were about thirty students packed in the studio but it was just nice that no one bumped their hands and feet on others. Some of the students were very good, some bad and some in-between. To my nerves' relief, I didn't know anyone and no one seemed to care about the others because they were all struggling to keep up with the moves. I picked a spot all the way at the back and later, suffered trying to get views of the instructor at the front. I was easily one of the worst students in the class. Although I followed the first half of the choreography, things got complicated later, I got a little disheartened and messed up all the steps subsequently. I even had to skip doing one of the twirls, because it seriously made me dizzy. Blacking out and hitting the glass was the last thing Miss Self-Conscious on behavioral therapy needed!

Ignoring social anxiety for the moment, I realised I had so many other issues to work on. First of all, my brain keeps getting confused over mirror images and it's relation to my left and right. I vaguely remember I had this issue while trying out Dance Central on the X-box kinect. As I was following the instructor's image on the mirror in front, I kept wondering if I was doing it right. Then, I have BAD, no wait, I have NO mind-body coordination. My brain has spent too many years worrying about how I'll look or what others will think of me while I make an ass of myself, that I haven't spent enough time learning to move or coordinate the different parts of my body. Maybe I should have spent more time observing my movements (rather than looking for irregularities of my appearance) in mirrors like normal people do. For all my brain knows, it is fixed to a stump of a torso and four appendages that are the legs and hands and complex coordination is...not possible. Following the instructor and keeping up was therefore overwhelming. Next, remembering the sequence of the moves was very tough. And finally, without practice and persistence, I'll be going nowhere further than square one. 

At one point she said "Don't be too stressed, just imagine you are a diva!" [Gee, I wonder what that is like.]

Anyway, she left us with some helpful and hopeful advice saying, "Don't be too self conscious, you have to find a way to break out if it. I myself was extremely self conscious when I started out. It's only after you manage that, can you really enjoy dancing."

Man, I'm so looking forward to this movie. The background stories of the characters are often cheesy in this series of movies, but the choreography is guaranteed to be mind blowing. Kathryn McCormick, Travis Wall and Twitch from "So You Think You Can Dance" will be involved as characters and choreographers in this movie. 



Monday, June 25, 2012

The Animal Whisperer

Today, I attended the most enjoyable interview of my short-lived life.

It's not that I feel confident of getting the job (I really don't, given the statistics), but I just tasted what an interview for a "dream job" meant to be like. For the first time in my life, I was myself and fought for myself in an interview and was left feeling even more energized to fight again, if I had to. So that in itself is a small victory. Actually getting the job, would be a definite plus!

I didn't go with much hopes this morning. I woke up late, did a little bit of rushed internet research on the organisation, the new project and the job, didn't make the best effort at dressing up (I let my natural messy hair be instead of getting a temporary 'straight look' at a saloon like I usually do for interviews**), got late and had to catch a cab. It's not that the job prospect didn't excite me. The top position I was eyeing on (administration + conservation efforts related) required Mandarin as a pre-requisite so I knew I had nearly zero chances with negotiating on that one. Also, it was a job fair where hundreds of hopefuls walked in and mass interviews were conducted on site. And today was only day one of this two-day fair.

After registration and joining the long queues of applicants, we were told that we can only pick one position of choice to be interviewed for. Seeing my chances for the (safe) first choice being non-existent, I went with the second one. My second position of choice was the actual "dream job" (working closely with animals) - why second? because we all know those types come with big sacrifices and compromises. During my long wait to be called in, I had plenty of time to think back on why I wanted this job. Really, it wasn't that hard for someone who's very first ambition was to be a vet and still loves animals and the great outdoors. One of the interviewers was an easy going guy who appeared to be very passionate about the field so I suppose the conversations were easier and enjoyable.

**Most ordinary job interviews are so restrictive, aren't they? The internet is full of advice on how to dress at the interview, what to say, what not to say, what to expect, what the interviewers want to hear, see, etc. The picture it paints is "Apart from your credentials, the job prefers certain stereotypes over others, so if you are a little different, buck up and get in line with the rest or risk losing the job". So nearly everyone dresses alike (even if they don't like excessive make-up or heels or chemically re-bonded/ permed hair), learns the same model answers (for what their weaknesses or career ambitions are) and tell everything an interviewer likes to hear (like being an extrovert or love working in teams or is fine with working extra long hours). Goodness, if I were an interviewer, I might be sick of interviewing what appears to be programmed clones. All that said, interviews are too short to get to know and judge a candidate fairly so appearances and words uttered account for a lot. And not everyone has the luxury to apply to and interview for ideal jobs.

Urgh. Some jack-ass spoilt it for all us bubble tea lovers 


While digging up on Pink Dot SG spotted on a friend's Facebook profile, I came across this incredibly moving speech given by the recipient of this year's "Humanist of the Year 2012" award (presented by the Humanist Society of Singapore). This speech not only gives a different light to the major topic at hand, it also emphasizes how much more tolerance and acceptance we need to develop for the many, many types of differences that exist in our society today. On a positive note, I can see that society is (slowly) moving in a forward direction towards equality in human rights, thanks to the internet and those who dare to take action.


Friday, June 15, 2012

A tray full of frogs


Frustrations of an active job seeker:
1. Waiting for a call, any call.
2. Spending a lot of time customising cover letters for different roles - and then not hearing back from any of them.
3. Filling online applications on websites - entering the same information for the umpteenth time, sometimes seeing messages like "Unexpected error. Please log in again." and having to start over again.
4. Capturing that fleeting will to go on with the job search.

Joys of an active job seeker:
1. No strict agendas for each passing day - free to sleep, write, watch TV, listen to music, eat, read, travel around and not having to worry about time.

~ ~ ~

On my way to the bus stop, I pass a restaurant. Judging by the number of customers, it appears to be a popular choice in the area. There are two wire-meshed cages stacked on top of each other on the side of  restaurant. The bottom cage has live crabs, tied up. And the top cage has a tray full of large frogs, submerged in a little water. The crabs seem partly unconscious, the frogs however, look very much alive though they have no space to move around freely. Usually by the time I return from my trips, a significant number of the animals are missing and have been processed to frog soup or sea food dishes.

~ ~ ~

Yesterday (after many weeks of planning), I decided to visit the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve, which is supposedly 3 bus stops away. But I boarded the wrong bus and ended up at the Singapore Botanical Gardens (SBG) instead.

It was my first time in a botanical garden in a long time. The last time I visited the Royal Botanic Gardens of Peradeniya (Sri Lanka) might have been during my school years. Sri Lanka's gardens being very impressive in itself for the collection of plants and landscaping, was somewhat laced with a reputation for being a hot spot for lovers, usually seen making out behind trees and bushes. It used to be a parent's horror to take their impressionable young children there. I wonder if things have changed now.

The efforts that have gone into the planning and maintaining of the garden was evident in the aesthetically pleasing atmosphere. It is hard to imagine that an environment like this thrives next door to a busy central business district and I thought it did a wonderful job of showcasing the diversity of plants that make themselves home in tropical rainforests and educating the public on other classes of flora. That too, without charging any admission fees.


 


There are several lakes, different mini-gardens and plenty of places to relax, play, exercise and picnic. The Nparks Headquarters and the National Biodiversity Centre were also located inside the SBG. A rather cool play to have an office, I'll say! In my few hours there, I was only able to explore the Evolution Garden properly, walk from one gate to the other on the opposite side and sit by the Swan Lake to watch the swans, large fish and red-eared sliders. I'll need another day (or days) to explore the rest of it.


And that's how it all began. Millions of years of chemical reactions and evolutionary adaptations later, here WE are



 
 Cycads - they've seen the dinosaurs in the Jurassic period and have evolved little since then!


Not a pile of poop but a moss covered stone being touched by rays of sunshine that made its way to the forest floor. Also on close up, structures for spore dispersal were visible. Mosses are cute.


 
A commendable idea, implemented at several locations around the gardens

On returning home, relaxed and satisfied about taking some initiative to leave the couch and burn some calories, I saw the precautionary note I had left for my housemates "Gone to the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve". Leaving notes like that might be a bad idea sometimes.

Oh, I'll also remember NEVER to try the mint and chocolate chip ice cream sold there again. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The aftermath of "Pride and Prejudice"


When I typed my last post, I was halfway through my latest read, Pride and Prejudice. And that was BEFORE reading Mr Darcy's letter. Since then, I spent 7 hours reading the rest of the book till the end (separated only by a night's sleep). I'm mostly lost for words to describe what an epic read that was for me (it also stands to remind me how little I have ventured to read). After taking readers through much drama and happy coincidences, things conclude satisfactorily. I was grinning after reading the last page.

Now, I want to watch the movie. The last time I watched it many years back, I wasn't impressed.

The first edition cover from the year 1813!

Elizabeth's fearless character and opinions, Mr Darcy's transformation after falling in love with Elizabeth and turning out to be quite the honorable and admirable gentleman, Mr Bingley and Jane's romance surviving the test of time and many obstacles and the friendship Elizabeth and Jane share were endearing. Even Elizabeth's and Mr Darcy's romance, being a gradual, pained and controlled one (as opposed to "out of control-tongues down the throats-tearing off clothes-and flying into bed on the second day" types) was a refreshing change, giving the reader time to observe and savour the build up. The story was also made colourful by characters with unpleasant personalities such as Mr Collins, Mrs Bennet, Caroline Bingley and Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Mr Collins remained an oblivious brag and a kiss-ass throughout. Mrs Bennet is a social disaster and an embarrassment to all women-kind (perhaps even deserving some forgiveness for being a typical mother). Caroline Bingley's flattery and manipulations might have worked on most men, but not on Mr Darcy's intelligent and observant character. Another unforgettable scene is Elizabeth's bold exchange of words with Lady Catherine when she comes over to dissuade her from being engaged to Mr Darcy (YOU GO GIRL!).

Though the various characters are set in their ways, at times, I felt moments of connection with more than one character for the ways they thought or acted. Somewhat like having a mirror shoved in my face. What better way to be made aware of one's own personality flaws?!

I finally purchased my first loaf of chocolate bread since my relocation to Singapore - an ingenious creation. It appears the loaf has experienced negative growth vertically from what I last remember. Oh well, in the absence of real chocolate cake, this is the best alternative to random cravings.

My precioussss *drool*


I stumbled upon an old favourite song of mine by MIKA. With pianos, tap dancing tunes, rock guitars, amazing props, drums, a singer who's got an amazing vocal range, a bit of theatrical performance, and everyone enjoying themselves in the video - all squeezed into just a little over 3 minutes - it's definitely a catchy hit! (Is that dust on "Grace Kelly's" dress?!)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Venus Transit

A period of unemployment has its rare perks.

6th June 2012 was an exciting day for all astronomy enthusiasts, Shu included! Planet Venus transited between the Sun and the Earth and Singapore was fortunate enough to fall within the areas of visibility for this rare astronomical event. Since the next Venus Transit happens in the year 2117 and I'll be long gone from the face of the Earth by then, I decided to make the most of this day.

The transit across the face of Sun lasted nearly 7 hours, from around 6 am to 1 pm. I was up by 5:20 am (I had to slap myself awake a few times and remind myself that I won't live to see the next one and that's when I stopped snoozing the alarm) and as a result of bad route planning and unaware that certain buses were not in service at that time of the morning, I took an extra 1.5 hours to get to the National University of Singapore football field. The skies were too cloudy and the Sun was not yet up over the high rise buildings, so we had to wait.

After absorbing the nostalgic sights of the campus, loitering around the all-too-familiar Science Faculty and buying some unsatisfactory breakfast, I found a nice spot on the stands to sit and read my new favourite book, Pride and Prejudice. It took me 27 years to finally start reading the book. It was on top of the list of highly recommended classics during my school years, but I wasn't the biggest fan of literature then and there was little motive for reading these when it was mostly for 'exam purposes'. Anyhow, I am glad I picked it up - admittedly, I was only attracted to it by the highly discounted price. My own feelings have been rising and falling quite strongly as the story is unraveling. So far, I have already called Mr Darcy a dick jerk and wanted to shove a toilet brush down Mr Collin's throat and felt very angry about the way Mr Collins tried to force a proposal on Elizabeth (relax, Shu). Though the story is set in 19th century England and the language is at times difficult for me to grasp, the characters are very relatable and the descriptions of their interactions by the author seem to elevate the reader to an extra dimension for observing and understanding human nature in general. It's quite hard to explain. Maybe it's a good thing I picked it up late - I understand and relate with the story better now than I would have when I was a teenager.

The Sun was not yet up and it was already nearing 9 am.

Soon, a plain looking man in jeans and a T-shirt came up to the stands, where I was seated with three others and calls us "Come, come, you must attend the lecture that is starting in a bit!!". I looked up and immediately recognised him as Dr Phil Chan! He was my lecturer for a module I took over 5 years ago called "Einstein's Universe and Quantum Weirdness". As he was walking back to the lecture theatre, I raaaaan up to him and made small talk (very un-Shu-like, but I did!) and told him I was one of his students long ago and in all that excitement I forgot to mention how much I enjoyed his module but I think he figured. He didn't have the slightest air of pride or arrogance about him, just like I remembered him. It was one of a handful of modules that I thoroughly enjoyed and studied very proactively during my undergraduate years. And this guy was a remarkable teacher, he hardly stood still during lectures. His face usually lit up and his arms waved around with much animation when he spoke of certain topics in astrophysics. He went off syllabus most of the time to show us fascinating things, he liked combining bits of philosophy into the lecture slides in a very thought provoking manner, he went through great pains to combine theory with practicals for a large class of students and his assessments were actually enjoyable. I was smitten by this guy's passion and knowledge of the subject back then, so being reminded of it once again was certainly a highlight on this day.

My hopes of seeing the spectacle dwindled as the sky was too cloudy. I sat through lectures by two famous visiting physicists, Prof Roy Kerr and Prof Richard Strom. The former spoke mainly of his work on black hole theories and the latter gave an entertaining account of the expeditions undertaken by astronomers of the early centuries to study the previous transits of Venus, risking their lives even to add to the growing knowledge of astrophysics at the time.

Post-lectures, the day went well. The sky cleared, the sun was up and several telescopes were set up for the viewing pleasure of the public and my mission for the day was eventually accomplished. 


Set up of telescopes for the public

Venus, appears as a tiny round speck against the background of the Sun, as seen through one of the smaller telescopes

Realising how modern science is rapidly expanding the map of the Universe as we know it, unfolding newer mysteries faster than resolving the older ones, I can't help but wonder how insignificant we on Earth are and how very unlikely it is that we are alone in this Universe. 


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Exit Stamp

The other day, I listened to one of my housemates relate a story of her aunt who was diagnosed with cancer. The lung cancer had developed without adverse symptoms, except for a persistent cough. It is not uncommon for people to ignore such symptoms and get used to living with it. In her case, a relative who was a doctor picked it up and she was referred for further medical investigations. The tests came out positive for a final stage lung cancer. The prognosis was that she had 6 months to live. The family decided for themselves to spare the patient of the news of the cancer and the time frame that she had left. Then, when she had a month left on her prognosis, they told her. Needless to say, she took a turn for the worst after hearing the news and passed away with much mental and physical suffering. She left behind a husband and two children, aged 5 and 3.

A death sentence from a terminal illness is no doubt one of the worst experiences one can go through, unimaginable even; undergoing the phases of grief, watching the time with family and friends slip away, feeling the gradual loss of control over self, having flashbacks of the life lived before the news of  the cancer, the physical pain and finally, the fear. No one can be perfectly ready for it.

Now, it can be debated if it is better for a family to be honest with the patient all along and let them suffer mentally for a longer period, than not tell them and let them succumb to the disease unaware or in her case, tell her late so she had only a month's time to suffer mentally, compared to six months.

Personally, I am of the opinion that it is important for a patient to know what's going on with them, however bitter the truth may be. It is, after all, the reality. Okay, perhaps we can leave out cancer patients who are very young children and elderly folk from this argument. But if it were me, I'd WANT to know because the only sense of control left for me would be to decide how I am going to deal with the new reality and for this, I need the transparency from the doctors and the family. If they withheld such information from me and told me too late, I'd be very angry for not having any authority over decisions concerning my disease and feel betrayed for being 'robbed' of the few precious months I had to live, coming to terms with the disease, making any amends and making any other arrangements before my exit. And that's why I was deeply affected after hearing that story. What if she also wanted the same things that I want?

Far more important than the frivolous matters I usually blog about and on the topic of health, there are things that we need constant reminders for. Our immune system is the best weapon/ defence we have against diseases that can affect our quality of life. Sure, life is good now so we have taken our health for granted. But what about 5 - 10 years from now? So even when armed with the know-how of building a good battle system, what really keeps us from making one?

It's not a simple and straightforward formula, but let's be reminded and encouraged to make the little changes that we can: 
  • Eat a diet high in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and low in saturated fat.
  • Exercise regularly.
  • Maintain a healthy weight.
  • Control your blood pressure.
  • If you drink alcohol, drink only in moderation.
  • Get adequate sleep.
  • Take steps to avoid infection, such as washing your hands frequently and cooking meats thoroughly.
  • Get regular medical screening tests for people in your age group and risk category
Source and highly recommended reading: "How to boost your immune system", Harvard Health Publications.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Bits n pieces

Mediocrity is a defeating attitude. It's like a dulling of the senses and thoughts. It stunts growth.

After 1.5 weeks of looking out of my window into the park just outside, I finally decided to explore it. It's a nice little niche hidden in a corner of a forest of residential apartments. Several large rain forest-type trees and shrubs surround a few low cost gym equipment meant mostly for elderly folk. I noticed the trees attract several types of birds during the day. I also found it amusing that one of the benches in the park was still in the home wi-fi range.

Cooking is an art. It requires certain skills like creativity, greediness and an overdeveloped sense of smell and taste. And like with most types of arts, it requires practice and patience to master it. I have been forced to rediscover my cooking abilities, out of lack of convenient and vegetarian food in the area. I am not even half the chef I'd like to be, but my food tastes (to me) better than anything I can find here usually. It's funny how I have happily shed bits and pieces of my culture over the years, yet remain strongly and increasingly attached to my traditional cuisine. I dream of the day that I have a kitchen to experiment with food to my heart's content!

*sob*  I miss home

"Diary of a Wimpy Kid" (the movie) was BRILLIANT. I watched it twice. And I just learned there is also a second movie. Which rock was I living under while TWO of these movies came out??

I have an orange coloured neighbour next door. Her name's Ginger. She loves to visit us when the the door is open and get a 15-20 minute shower of attention by rolling on the floor and giving our jeans a layer of fur with all that rubbing.

The act is convincing, but I try not to fall for those big eyes asking for cat food at odd hours. 

The other day, I visited the Raffles Museum of Biodiversity Research for an arranged tour. Though the place is rather small for a natural museum, they have a pretty impressive exhibit of animal and plant specimens. I was told they have many more specimens locked in cupboards in labs due to the lack of space. The good news for these specimens is that in 2014, there will be a new Lee Kong Chian Natural History Museum, built next to the University Cultural Centre. The proposed multi-storey building will resemble a giant rock from the outside and will house, not one, but THREE dinosaur (diplodocid) exhibits!! That's pretty cool! Sources have also revealed that the dinos are already in Singapore, just waiting to be assembled when the new building is up! I can't wait to visit the new museum in 2014!

I love Adam Levine's voice (plus my favourite line in the song is "All those fairytales are full of shit"!).



Social Privilege

Not all of us are born to the same circumstances. There will always be differences in social status, which is determined by factors such as ...