Just do it!

I'm home for the New Year holidays. Like Singapore's Chinese New Year, this is one of the longest holidays that people here get to enjoy with their loved ones.

While life goes on here and I have a growing number of tasks on my plate, I've been feeling somewhat paralysed and defeated by my own state of inaction lately. What I previously thought of as procrastination might actually be a case of "analysis paralysis". Maybe the two are related. Yes, I'm constantly on the hunt for fitting labels to my psychological problems!

Analysis paralysis is defined as the state of over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation so that a decision or action is never taken, in effect paralyzing the outcome (Wikipedia).

There might be many reasons for this condition, according to my analysis (hah!). Being too theoretical, spending too much time inside the head, trying to meet unrealistic ideals for deliverables like reports (a.k.a. perfectionism) and over-estimating the amount of work that goes into making a perfect deliverable. While it can lead to good quality outputs, it's a terrible way to live, really. And it's certainly not the way to work smart or efficiently. 

It is also possible that over-thinking to an extreme can lead one to being disconnected with reality over time. For an over-thinker, I think that being sanely present in reality is a fine balance between the interpretation of facts and external feedback on one side and going with assumptions and intuition on the other side. 

So my resolution THIS new year, is that I'll try to think less and just act on the things I have to do! Kind of like the Nike inspired memes below.

The strategy is to go from this state of mind...

(Image source: The Oatmeal)

... to this.

As Bruce Lee once said, “If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done.”

The Bermuda Triangle

I have come to the conclusion that my seating area in the office is a mini Bermuda Triangle. Several things of value have gone missing lately. Few days ago, I decided to search for a missing camera in a big box located behind my chair. I had noticed this box lying there, closed up, since the day I joined.

I nearly fell off my rotating chair the moment I opened that box because, man, I did NOT see what was coming!

The Bermuda Triangle. Image Source: Unmuseum.

IT WAS A BOX FULL OF CONDOMS. Not just one or two or ten, but a box so full that you can even dive into it. Kind of like this:

Image source: Life & Style

Of course, I am exaggerating a bit. And it was not too surprising either. The UNAIDS office had just moved out before I arrived and had asked our office to hold some things for them. Still, a few days after discovering the big box of condoms, I was equally unprepared to find a dildo in the filing cupboard. My reaction to that discovery was similar to finding a big flying cockroach inside a filing cupboard. I can only assume that it was one of the props used by UNAIDS for demonstration purposes in their HIV awareness campaigns.


Holy shit, Shuri! You have been guarding a big box of condoms like a dragon ALL THIS TIME!!!

Should we take some??? No Shuri, that's stealing. But it was meant for free distribution. And there's so much of them!!! It's still stealing because it wasn't handed out to you by UNAIDS. 

Besides, why do YOU need them??? Because they say it's better to be safe than sorry, and what good are protection measures if they aren't easily accessible at all times in all circumstances???

And how are you going to explain condoms to your mother?

~ ~ ~

AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is a serious issue in the 21st century. The number of new infections occurring is still wildly out of control. Thanks to various awareness campaigns and advances in antiretroviral drugs, there are better chances for fighting AIDS/HIV. However, things like poverty, lack of awareness, social stigma and lack of support from religious organisations are standing in the way of eliminating this disease.

HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is transmitted by sexual contact, significant exposure to infected body fluids or tissues and from mother to child during pregnancy, delivery or breastfeeding. There is no risk of acquiring HIV if exposed to faeces, nasal secretions, saliva, sputum, sweat, tears, urine or vomit unless these are contaminated with blood.

GLOBAL HIV STATISTICS for 2016

• 78 million [69.5 million–87.6 million] people have become infected with HIV since the start of the epidemic (end 2015)
• 35 million [29.6 million–40.8 million] people have died from AIDS-related illnesses since the start of the epidemic (end 2015)

• In 2015, there were 36.7 million [34.0 million–39.8 million] people living with HIV.

• As of June 2016, 18.2 million [16.1 million–19.0 million] people living with HIV were accessing antiretroviral therapy, up from 15.8 million in June 2015 and 7.5 million in 2010.
• In 2015, around 46% [43–50%] of all people living with HIV had access to treatment.
• In 2015, some 77% [69–86%] of pregnant women living with HIV had access to antiretroviral medicines to prevent transmission of HIV to their babies.

• Worldwide, 2.1 million [1.8 million–2.4 million] people became newly infected with HIV in 2015.
• New HIV infections among children have declined by 50% since 2010.
  • Worldwide, 150 000 [110 000–190 000] children became newly infected with HIV in 2015, down from 290 000 [250 000–350 000] in 2010.
• Since 2010 there have been no declines in new HIV infections among adults.
  • Every year since 2010, around 1.9 million [1.9 million–2.2 million] adults have become newly infected with HIV.

• AIDS-related deaths have fallen by 45% since the peak in 2005.
  • In 2015, 1.1 million [940 000–1.3 million] people died from AIDS-related causes worldwide, compared to 2 million [1.7 million–2.3 million] in 2005.

• Tuberculosis-related deaths among people living with HIV have fallen by 32% since 2004.
  • Tuberculosis remains the leading cause of death among people living with HIV, accounting for around one in three AIDS-related deaths.

Source: http://www.unaids.org/en/resources/fact-sheet

I might be the Flash!

I really shouldn't be blogging because I'm supposed to have other priorities today. Sigh.

Yesterday, I set off to work from home, covering approximately 150 km in 4 hours to make it to an important meeting. On the same evening, I covered another 150 km in the bus and train to be back home to cover the B&B for two days while my mother was supposed to have a small medical procedure. Unfortunately, the return trip didn't have confirmed seats so it was two hours of standing in a crowded train until I finally got a seat to sit for the next one hour.

I was standing beside a young couple with a toddler. The toddler even smiled at me a few times and I smiled back of course. On principle, I make sure to acknowledge all smiles and waves from children. We shouldn't make them feel negative or rejected too early in life.

After some time, the people in the train were all lost in their thoughts as the train journey continued. I was daydreaming as usual while listening to calming music and watching the passing scenery when suddenly when one of the smaller bags in the overhead compartment above me fell. My hand reacted involuntarily and caught it mid air and it was only a split second after I caught it that I emerged from the depths of my daydreaming to realise what happened! I wanted to shake the people standing next to me and ask "DID YOU SEE THAT??? I'VE ONLY SEEN THE FLASH DO THAT BEFORE!!". I didn't of course, for fear of being thrown out of the train.

The Flash 

(Image Source: GTA 5 Mods)

It was a baffling experience for me. The best explanation I can think of was that I am the Flash! No, but seriously though, I think it was the presence of a toddler directly below the overhead compartment which kept a subconscious part of my brain alert since I recently watched a bag fall on a man sitting in front of me. That, or this incident never happened and I was just daydreaming all along.

Stress levels are really high these days and I'm trying not to go up in flames. Thankfully, there are plenty of good things going that keeps me afloat. Like learning new things on the job, or having moments of joy watching a sunrise from my seat in the train or having a group of incredibly supportive classmates (having similar levels of stress) to fall back on for lab reports, help with tutorials and revisions during exams.

From the Colombo Fort station

 Watching a sunrise always gives me a renewed sense of hope...

 ...and a reminder that each day can be a beginning of something new

 I even felt the warmth of the Sun's rays touch my skin through the train window. That, with the right music can easily take someone to Cloud 9.

What I need to do now is to find a way to shift to a lower gear because this hill is getting harder to climb.

Pushing limits

Watching this video that a friend shared on Facebook today gave me inspiration for this mini-post.

Basically, the video says that being busy can be good for the following reasons:

• Being productive is a vital part of our human existence
• Being busy also means you are constantly improving yourself
• When you’re busy, you are also learning more things about yourself and pushing your boundaries
• When you’re busy, you surely have no time for negativity

Blogging or journaling, with its many famed benefits, is usually in my list of to-do's, along with things such as practice the violin, read a book, go visit new places, meditate, etc. However, what usually happens is that I always seem to have a lot of other things to do and these leisurely pursuits get pushed to the back of my head and stay there like a constant headache.

Once again in my life, it feels like finding that blissful place of relaxation is like attempting to find an oasis in a desert. My personality still baffles me because sometimes I feel like a walking paradox. I dislike taking responsibilities of any sort that makes my life complicated, however, I inevitably end up with a full plate of responsibilities and occupations that I can't seem to shake off. 

In my previous job in Singapore, I worked insane hours (60 - 70 hours a week) for too long (3 years 9 months) and towards the last leg of that race, I thought I was having clinical depression. To be on the safe side - mostly because I am a hypochondriac and I was sure my medical insurance would cover my self-diagnosed depression - I walked into a psychologist's office, for the third time within 12 years. Mental health is still taboo but becoming less so. While people won't flinch to hear that someone visited a doctor for a sniffle, many would roll eyes and/ or feel ashamed to admit to visiting a psychologist for a mental ailment. It turned out what I had was not clinical depression, but something called an "adjustment disorder" and for the benefit of my well being, I was asked to change that lifestyle as soon as possible.

(Funny story, my medical insurance did not cover my visit because it wasn't clinical depression and I was slapped with a jaw-dropping bill, which made me want to go back in time and take a Bachelor's degree in Psychology instead of Life Sciences, failing which, invest in an advanced hypnotherapy class to convince myself I am superhuman.)

Fast forward to my life now, I am doing a Master's degree on my weekends and at other times, I manage three jobs (working for two NGO's and one Bed & Breakfast) while I shuttle weekly between my home town in Kandy and the capital city which is about 125 km away. These days, I'm lagging behind in a lot of work, not in the best of health, not the best friend I can be to some of my closest friends, not doing as well as I should in university, etc. Basically, it's a struggle and yet I oscillate between that and a state of adrenaline rush, happy to be engaged and wanting to see how far I can challenge myself (as this article details).

History tells me that I should tread with caution.

Blogging: An Alternative to Studying

Day Two

Assignment: Familiarise self with more files and read relevant information on the internet.

Status: Mission accomplished. Brain supersaturated with information.

~ ~ ~

As the office consists of two other senior females and one senior male staff, I hang out with an intern about 9 years younger than me. The kid is friendly and has attempted on both days to make sure I am not feeling left out during lunch as the newest person in the office. 

She's a millennial. By the categorisations in the image below, I am one too, but we have marked differences in our general attitudes of life that I refuse to be associated with this generation. I mean, I can't really find fault with the way they think. They are, after all, a by-product of their circumstances like the time of birth, upbringing, social status, etc. Still, spending a little time with her today made me feel really relieved to be 31 years old. 

Now don't be an asshole, Shuri.

Image Source: The Wire

Said kid is an over-achiever in my dictionary. She's only 22 years old, few months away from graduating with a Bachelor's double degree. She said she was a professional dancer. She also dresses very professionally to work which gave me the initial impression that she was about 26 years old. She's managed to get accepted into the UN as an intern and she was very confident when she told me that she was going to do her Master's degree next year. 

And by contrast, I was a train wreck at 22!

Okay, I can really feel my case weakening now...

I swear, my lunch conversations with this youngster went like this today:

She: The girl before you was nice. I didn't know what to expect when they told there will be a replacement. But you are really nice. 

Me: *smiles shyly*

She: So what do you do in your free time?

Me: Erm. Lot of things. Spending time with pets, some photogra-----

She: OMG, I love your spectacles. It has a blue shine!!!

Me: Erm yes. It's a protective coating to minimise radiation. 

She: Soo cool. So what will you do after your 6-month contract with this NGO ends?

Me: I have to work on my thes---

She: I really love your spectacles. I wonder if I have to wear them too. 

Me: Can you feel your eyesight is getting weaker?

She: I think so. My friend had to wear them too. So how old are you?

Me: I'm 31. 

She: *nearly chokes on her rice* REALLY??  You don't look like that at all. 

Me: Thanks. I'll take that as a compliment. You must be about 26? (grave miscalculation on my part)

She: NOOOO, I'm 22!!

Me: *gasps* but then slowly notices the doe-eyes, naivety, blemish-free skin and realises this truly is a juvenile human specimen underneath an adult persona. 

She: So are you married???

Me: No, not yet.

She: Do you have a boyfriend???

Me: No, not at the moment.

She: Even my mother was hinting the other day for me to get married!

Me: You have PLENTY of time to be married. Don't rush.

She: You know, I did an Human Resource Management exam and got a Distinction!!!

Me: Nice! Well done. 

She: I wonder what I should ask my parents?

Me: What do you mean?

She: I need an incentive from my parents for getting a Distinction! It really works, no?

Me: [No, you don't!] *keeps quiet*

She: It's so hard to get a Class for my degree but my mother told me she'd get me a car if I got a Class.

Me: Well, that's a strong motivator to try harder. 

She: Yes!

Many things considered, the kid is alright and has added some colour to my observations and experiences within the UN compound (besides Agent Cat).

Another new year!

Happy 2017 to everyone!

Admittedly, I haven't been able to keep up my promise of blogging regularly. And I've come to realise that my biggest weakness is procrastination. As karma, I think, I am now about five 12-paged reports behind in submissions. WRITING isn't my best friend right now.

I don't consider myself very ambitious (or I would never procrastinate, right?). However, like bees on the scent of nectar, I generally turn my nose in the direction of food (primarily), nature and adventure. So very often, I accidentally stumble on to things like interesting people and opportunities that initially I didn't think would fit in the grand scheme of my interests (only to realise later it does).

Today was one of those days. I might add that it was a happy one too.

I started work as an intern (Project Coordinator) with a second NGO today. Now I have to shuttle between home for the weekend lectures and the capital city (4 hrs from home) for work on four days of the week. Thanks to a chance connection made by a good friend's father, I found a good mentor who in turn recommended me to this NGO. Through their involvement in projects funded by the UNDP, they work to increase biodiversity, fight climate change, minimise land degradation and minimise persistent organic pollutants with the involvement of (often) impoverished communities.

Previously, I thought the UN Compound was a top secret facility with strange people on the inside. Today, I found out it was not entirely true. There was a cat at the cafeteria too.

Building bridges

Three days ago, I tagged along with a NGO specialising in Knowledge Management to support their team with field work. Four large projects aimed at environment conservation through the empowerment of local communities had come to an end. The team was here to wrap things up and assess the impact of the project in the communities that benefited from these projects. As the newest member in the team, I only witnessed the concluding phase of these projects.

Jaffna on the map. (Source: Google maps)

Jaffna is a city in the northernmost part of Sri Lanka belonging to the arid zone. While it faces drought for a major part of the year, I happened to arrive in Jaffna in the wet season in December when the rice paddy fields were lush and the entire penninsula was abundant with migratory birds. In other words, it was the best time to be in this city to witness nature at her finest performance.

Acres and acres of beautiful green rice paddy fields

A decade ago, it was impossible to even think of visiting the city of Jaffna because the country was torn apart by a racially and politically driven civil war that lasted nearly two and a half decades from 1983 to 2009. Looking back from this point in time, the war was a completely unnecessary event that caused more harm than achieve any useful outcome. Countless families on both sides of the cause (more on the minority side, of course) lost loved ones, the grief and psychological after-effects remain today, so much potential and good ambitions of a younger generation were crushed and the war affected areas fell backwards in terms of development. The worst consequence of the war was perhaps the increased feelings of hate, suspicion and racism between the two races that still linger in the minds of most.

I started writing part of this post in Jaffna a few hours before my departure from that city because I left with a slightly unsettled feeling and a lot of unanswered questions.

For the purposes of this post, I shall refer to two parties called the “majority race” (75% of the population of Sri Lanka) and the “minority race” (approximately 11%). I belong to the majority race.

When I visited Jaffna, a city dominated by the minority race, the people of the area who I associated with treated me with overwhelming respect and kindness. A few went out of their way to ensure our stay was very productive and comfortable. Sure, I was a part of a humanitarian mission to better the lives of the agriculturally oriented people there so they probably saw us coming with harmless intentions. And there may have been plenty of others in that city who did not like our presence. But seven years post-war, I still wonder what these people really think of us.

Do they hate all of us and blame us for the atrocities that occurred to their people? Do they still idolise the group which we call terrorists and they probably see as freedom fighters? Were there some of them who opposed the group we called terrorists but didn't openly admit it out of fear and reprisals? Do they still want to a clean split from this country to operate as an independent state? Do they still feel discriminated by systems set up by the central government for education, medical facilities, employment, etc? Do they still feel like outsiders in this country? As they slowly rebuild their lives and move out of smaller towns to the other parts of the country for better opportunities, do they find their views and opinions of us changing? As a city which was previously suppressed by war and now experiencing a boom of development, are they realising that education and rising above poverty will slowly give them leverage? Do some of them feel betrayed by the political groups that represented them and made them take up arms? Are they biding their time and waiting for the next opportunity to join another struggle to win independence? Are they willing to start another war if things are in their favour despite the recent developments in infrastructure and trade? Do they feel sympathy for the innocent lives lost from the majority race through brutal acts of terrorism by those who fought in their name? Do they realise they also have a part to play in healing the racial divide by reaching out to the majority race and not isolating themselves? Do they think that someday a peaceful and undivided Sri Lanka is a possibility?

The friends of the minority race there who helped us are nearly my age. We share the common experience of being born during the war, which consumed most of our childhood and early adulthood. While us in the majority race were spending normal and happy childhoods, these friends were affected by the war, each having some experience of fleeing from place to place as children, fearing for lives, hearing constant bombings and shelling, not having regular schooling, sharing one home with many relatives for safety or losing people close to them due to the atrocities of the war. Those thoughts pained me especially when these same friends who went through such adversities in their childhood not so long ago gave us the best hospitality they could afford. Even though I had nothing to do with starting that war, I felt an overwhelming feeling of (perhaps misplaced) guilt when I received kindness from some of these people.

Maybe someday I will have the courage to ask those friends for answers to my questions. And maybe there exists a small minority within their minority race who, like a minority of us in the majority race, are willing to start building the bridges from their end.