Shuri suffers from a chronic case of mental diarrhea and is often plagued by a hyperactive imagination that does not show in her ordinary conversations with others. This blog is what her (imaginary) therapist recommended so that she won't explode with a build up of overwhelming thoughts.
This weekend I stayed back from going home. Now without the pressures of lectures and exams, I am free to roam around. The only way to hold me back it seems is to tie me to something, or else, off I go.
The place I stay during the week is very conveniently located in a centralised location of the capital city. Because of this, I am able to participate in various events, that hardly happens in my hometown.
The appearance of migrant birds in Sri Lanka begins end of August and goes on until early April. Today, I joined a lecture on migrant birds, organised by a local birding club. I'm very new to birding. And to be honest, I was never fascinated with birds, but with exposure at the Jurong Bird Park in Singapore and observing various birds around my home garden, my opinions on birds have changed. Today was an introductory lecture and tomorrow off we go to a wetland park to see what birds we can observe. Fun. I am worried I'll oversleep and get left behind.
I also did the mistake thinking it was a good idea to stick around for a second lecture on orchids. This lecture coincided with the lunch hour, so I was somewhat hungry and restless. The lecturer was so fascinated by orchids and was bouncing around the podium, but I unfortunately failed to be as fascinated as him. I suppose there will always be a divide between zoologists and botanists. I did learn so many new facts about orchids though.
An Indian Pita - a common migrant in Sri Lanka
(Source: Wikipedia)
While searching for images of Pita birds, this image came up on the suggestions! Now I feel hungry.
(Source: sfgate.com)
I also watched the Gandhi movie today. Gandhi is a truly interesting character and what he managed to achieve in his lifetime is mind-boggling.
These are some of my favourite sayings of his:
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed.”
“In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”
“If we are to reach real peace in the world, we shall have to begin with the children.”
It's not like I had a lot of options to choose from when I took an unorthodox route in continuing my higher studies. Normally, people go from good universities to better ones, but I went from a university that brags being top 10 in the world to a university that ranks somewhere below the 2000th spot. The quality of education between the two universities is not comparable. The former consisted of top notch facilities, the brightest and most accomplished experts in their respective fields as educators, and syllabuses covering the most recent advances in the field. In comparison, the latter had a mostly outdated syllabus and much lesser facilities. In contrast, the latter also had a slower pace of learning, more inspirational educators from the Biology field and lesser competition. Though it was a privilege to be able to attend my previous university, it also taught me that extreme competition and rigorous assessments can kill the joy of learning.
What we actually take from a university education is not concrete knowledge. 99.99% of what we absorb during lectures and memorise for exams will be forgotten. I know this well since I returned to books after a long gap of 9 years. Instead, what stays with us (besides the degree scroll and transcript) are a fascination/hatred of the subject, fuel to develop our own abstract ideas of our subject and the skills of knowing how and where to find the resources we need later on. The fascination and development of abstract ideas are greatly helped by having inspirational mentors and lots of field exposure.
One week ago, my coursework ended. No more lectures, no more exams. Yay! No more meeting up with the classmates as a group. I'll miss that. I didn't feel the stress of working 4 days in the week and doing a Master's course for 2 days in the week thanks to them. They were fun, they were helpful in my studies where I failed and I had a brood of young ones to "look after" which gave me a strange sense of satisfaction. Although I have a tendency to want to run away from the sight of human babies, there is a certain maternal core in Shu that melts for animals and young humans.
I invited my classmates over for a farewell tea since I am the host of this city of Kandy. Not everyone could make it on the same weekend, so this farewell tea had to be stretched over two weekends to the slight dismay of my mother. Why couldn't they all come on the same day?? She had to make her special "cutlets" for two weekends and help clean the house without my help since I had exams on both weekends. They enjoyed the food, she got along well with them (especially the boys) and they really liked her company, so I never heard any complaints from her after that.
Like having friends from various countries is fun, having friends of various parts of Sri Lanka is also fun. We have invited each other to our homes for the times to come. Surely, like school, some classmates will drop off the radar, but a handful seem like keepers (like all of you reading my blog!).
On the map of Sri Lanka, that's me and the University in the middle with the red marker, and the origins of other classmates are represented by the small yellow stars. it also gives an indication of how far they traveled on a weekly basis for lectures.
(Image: Google Maps)
If some of the classmates play their cards right, they'll end up in big places. My simple expectation of this course was to be able to tie my interests in the environment to any related career. I suppose I will be content to float around like a feather or an average Joe in an area coinciding with my interests. For them, there were bigger stakes; escaping poverty, going for the overseas experience for the first time, getting good jobs, getting big titles, having better social status, being able to rise up so they can help elevate the status of their disadvantaged communities, etc. I sincerely hope the trade winds will be in favour of their sails after this course.
As for me, I'm happy. I've turned greener since I arrived in Sri Lanka about an year ago and started the course and my environment-related job. I enjoy doing mini environmental projects at home. I'm constantly thinking of ways to increase the biodiversity around the garden like putting up feeding stations, growing more flowering plants for the bees and growing more fruit plants. I'm currently in the process of making a registry of fauna in my garden. The next project is to make a small pond! For now, I am happily occupied and not too worried about what the future will hold.
Now begins the harder part of independent research component of the Master's course! With no prior experience in formal independent research, no peers for moral support and no strict schedules to control me, I have to battle many internal demons like procrastination, Facebook and laziness to be a successful researcher.
I find it really hard to focus on writing lately. I'm not sure why. At first I thought it must be because I am usually busy, but no, I've always been an occupied person. And I always make time to do the things I like. So it's not that.
Maybe my losing touch with writing has to do with feeling detached with my authentic self once again. Maybe my ego has been slowly growing with too much praise and Facebook likes. Or maybe I've reached a place where all that I've realised so far about myself is serving me well, and I see no need for further growth for the time being. Maybe I'm selectively focusing on only the positive aspects in life and refusing to acknowledge the negative aspects that lurk at the back of my mind. Maybe I feel more exposed and less welcome coming to this blog now, unlike earlier when it felt like a safer refuge for expression of the good, bad and the ugly. Maybe current circumstances have pushed me towards the slightly extroverted end of the spectrum so the introvert in me has silenced. Maybe it is time to moult, leaving that old casing behind.
A moulting crab (Source: Giphy)
Whatever it is, our sense of balance in the core is slightly shaken and it's about time we went back to time-tested methods of repairing ourselves. Shu, why do you address yourself as two people?It's creepy. I know, right?
Just when life in the university had settled into a predictable routine (in terms of the standard of education, educators, lecture styles, exams, etc), where the expected always happened, something threw us off guard.
The last subject of the curriculum called "Legal Protection of the Environment" commenced a few weeks ago. This was the first time any of us had any exposure to environmental law. The administration sent a genius to teach us the subject. My mind exploded on the first day of lecture. I've never felt more awake and alive in a lecture (except maybe when I used to listen to my favourite lecturer Dr Phil Chan at my previous university).
Our new lecturer for environmental law was a soft-spoken, simple-looking old gentleman. Nothing about him strikes as out-of-the-ordinary until he starts to speak. That's when the magic starts.
The first thing that struck me was how captivating he was as a speaker/ story teller. He was able to use words perfectly, precisely and logically with so much conviction in his delivery that I could have been easily fooled into thinking everything he said was true (without any further verification) and that being an environmental lawyer might have been an interesting profession for me to try out. I suppose his long years of professional training as a lawyer made him a naturally convincing speaker.
The next thing that struck me was his extraordinary knowledge on a broad variety of topics like history, war strategies, psychology, philosophy, politics, zoology, botany, chemistry, art and (the obvious) law. He was clever at weaving his knowledge across the sciences and the arts, much like a crochet pattern, to send his point across and draw the interest of the audience. This coupled with his sharp memory of historical facts, dates, locations, scientific names of animals and plants, etc, made sure that no one in class nodded off during his lectures. I sat in the front row on all three days, listened intently, and like a puppy waiting for treats, I picked up tidbits of interesting information that fell out of him, savoured some rightaway and pocketed the rest to go read up later.
And then there was his passion for nature, his country and his lifelong mission to fight against environmental injustice. With this came stories of various cases he had handled over the years as well as ongoing cases in the country. He was very outspoken and critical in his statements. He invited us to find out about current issues and bring them up for discussion in class. He even offered to speak on topics outside our syllabus, if it piqued our curiosity and that he was open to discussing it to the best of his knowledge. He slayed every case that the class brought up for discussion (he seemed under-challenged by what we could present), gave us insider details and led us through the logical sequence of his analyses.
He drew parallels between winning court cases and winning battles with sound military strategies. He also introduced us to John Boyd's OODA Loop which I found fascinating. It implies that the key in winning is to obscure your intentions and make them unpredictable to the opponent while simultaneously clarifying their intentions. Operating at a faster tempo generates rapidly changing conditions that inhibits the opponent from adapting or reacting to those changes, which will suppress or destroy the opponent's awareness. Confusion and disorder that follows causes the opponent to over or under-react to conditions or activities that appear to be uncertain, ambiguous, or incomprehensible. With this understanding, an individual or an organization that can process this loop quickly, observing and reacting to unfolding events more rapidly than an opponent can, is able to "get inside" the opponent's decision cycle and gain the advantage.
That is also, I assume, how he left us in a state of disorientation, awe and surrender to his speed of delivery and vast knowledge of facts.
The OODA Loop. Source: Wikipedia
One day, he asked us to find the significance of 24th June for discussion at the next class. The only clue he gave was that it involved Kandy, my hometown. I asked around, tried Google, but had no luck.
Later, we learned of this interesting historical fact (in his own words):
"24th June marks the 214th anniversary of the successful guerrilla campaign (or, peoples war) waged by our forces against the British who occupied the Mahanuwara and Kadawath-satara for four months in 1803. The British forces under Major Davy surrendered in the afternoon of 24.06.1803 but used it as a ruse to make a counter-attack two days later near the Mahaweli Ganga at Watapuluwa on 26.06.1803 from where they were allowed to go back across the river.
This attack was repulsed with no casualties on our side but only their commander Major Davy and two others were left alive to be captured. This place where the Colombo International School (in Watapuluwa) is at present, marks that decisive victory (which has, as can be expected is depicted as a massacre by British). The Bo tree, named Davies Tree by the British in 1906, and which is the only living testimony to the battle is also within the school premises.
It was Pilimatalawe Maha Adikaram and his deputy Ehelepola who devised the long-term offensive and effectively executed it. They became more popular and the king got jealous and others carried tales to widen the rift. This led to the sequence of events that culminated in our surrender in 1815. However, the British learnt their lesson and used intrigue and guile, not military might, to subjugate us.
It is sad to note that we neither commemorate this victory, nor are aware of this brilliant episode in military history as it is not taught to us. Today marks the 214 years of this victory, and it was sad to see that this day was forgotten by everybody. No one has written any papers on the strategy adopted by us in this war. History books do not mention it either. Therefore, we cannot blame the people to have missed this occasion because hardly anyone is aware of such an episode. This is what the British always wanted, to glorify their victories and hide their defeats. We have still to come out of this rut.
I take this opportunity to bestow merits on all of our valiant troops who made this possible and those who planned and led them to battle."
To think that a bloody battle of this scale took place 214 years ago, 4 kilometers from my home, left me speechless. And I am not even a big fan of history.
While I was reading up on him, I learnt that in 2016, he was given a lifetime award by the President of Sri Lanka for the service done for wildlife conservation. He had also won a special jury award in 2016 for being a key person on environmental conservation and for representing civil society to fight on environment destruction for more than four decades. The internet is peppered with various articles with his mentions.
His life story as we learned through an article was an inspiring one. He had faced adversities in his life like being displaced by the war, and not being able to follow the degree or profession he liked. Despite being a great lawyer, he maintains that his true passion is being a naturalist and that he would have been happier as an environmentalist, writer or artist. In his free time, he draws sketches of various animals and birds, voluntarily lectures at academic institutions, travels to conduct field research, etc. He had recently stopped attending courts (except for special cases) citing being "sick, sad and disillusioned about the systems in Sri Lanka." He further added that "There are hardly any results of the work we do and that is not because we are not doing our best, but merely because of the way the systems in this country function."
He stressed that his expectations from us at the exams were to make sure we grasped the concept of the subject. Knowing that we were not law students, he didn't demand we regurgitate sections (word for word) from various environmental laws, ordinances and acts in the country. Although he was well versed in the English language, he reminded the class that he was not here to test anyone's language skills. As long as he understood what the students were trying to explain, he would be satisfied.
What he said brought home another point. Present-day education systems often fails us. Too much importance is given to theory, rigid assessments and regurgitating facts by recent memory. Lesser importance is given to hands-on learning and the simple joys of learning. Subjects are taught within the confines of narrow compartments. There are less linkages across various subjects like how things are in reality. Skills for lifelong learning are given less priority. The combined result is that our education stops when we step out of the educational institution's doors. We think and solve problems through compartmentalised thinking patterns. We are poor in critical thinking. Our knowledge on areas besides our major is poor. We have less appreciation of the arts if we are science folk and vice versa. We haven't made proper left and right hemisphere connections in our brains to make well-rounded decisions. Our passions, if they weren't sparked during the course, die with time. We move about in society like emotionless robots with little concern for people and our surroundings. After we've long forgotten what we memorised from books, we are left wondering what we gained from our long years of education. And looking at our report cards and university transcripts, we wonder if our grades are an all-round reflection of our true abilities.
I'm very thankful that my path crossed with this personality. In the three short days of his lectures, he went beyond the syllabus to open our minds to think more critically, to keep reading and educating ourselves, to keep a healthy curiosity, to not follow the herd blindly, to appreciate the arts and to never stop fighting for justice. I personally felt what he taught us in three days was more useful than all the lecturers of the course combined. His style of teaching stretched the mind and extended beyond the course. For that, his love of nature, and the service he has done for wildlife and the environment, he has my deepest respect.
This morning at around 5 a.m., I was woken up by loud screams. The sounds sent chills down my spine. My first thought was that someone somewhere really close by was getting murdered or raped.
Soon my lane was buzzing with neighbours in their nightwear flocking to the house where the screams originated. Other neighbours talked to each other to piece together what was going on. The police arrived shortly to rule out any foul play. I refrained from visiting that house since I did not know them personally, but I knew that in a few moments, I'll have all the details.
As the events unfolded, I learned that one of my neighbours had committed suicide. The screams I heard were that of a shocked mother who came to wake her 27-year old daughter for work, only to find a lifeless body hanging from a ceiling fan. The trigger for the suicide of this young woman who was to be married next month had been a tragic love story.
People, possibly out of disbelief, are still speculating on the tragedy and passing various forms of judgement on the person whose life ended this morning.
Earlier this month, another 25-year old girl from my university had jumped in front of a train. Her head had been detached in the process. She had been a recent graduate working as a demonstrator at the university. According to circulating news, it was another tragic love story.
I have a low opinion of people who succeed with suicide. To a great extent, I believe that they are selfish cowards who fail to comprehend the magnitude of grief that they thoughtlessly leave behind for their immediate family members. However, suicide is a complex issue. The reasons people commit suicide are many fold. Depression, impulse, psychosis and feelings of extreme helplessness are some of them.
Despite my low opinion of people who commit suicide, there was one particular era in my own life, many years ago, when even I seriously considered it. Consideration for my family members and the grief they would feel in my absence were dulled by the overwhelming feelings of despair built up over an extended time. Death felt like the only solace and the only control I had to put an end to the suffering. I had decided that I would overdose on paracetamol (now I know what an ill-thought plan it was for a suicide attempt!).
As I sat crying on the floor of a darkened room, I was half scared of what was going to happen after I swallowed a few pills, and I was half hoping someone would come bursting through the door to save me. Thankfully, a minuscule part of me was still sensible. A faint inner voice told me to take a paper and write. Yes, it was a strange request but one that probably saved my life that night. I thought I'd list out every memorable/ significant/ insignificant achievement I managed on my own up to that point in life.
In the first piece of paper, I scribbled every random thing that came to mind. How I started earning around age 15 by giving tuition, how I once swam to the middle of the river to save a beetle that was drowning, how I managed to get entry to a good university, how I had seen several children improve their grades with a little extra attention from me, how I had great childhood memories with my two friends, etc. The list kept extending till I filled in about 4 inky pages. By the time I read what I wrote a few times, I knew I had to put away the pills and pull myself together, somehow. Incidentally, that's what prompted me to re-attempt blogging.
Thinking back, maybe I didn't really want to die that day, I just wanted to be some place that I wasn't alive. Not everyone gets help on time and not everyone has the will to reverse a strong impulse like suicide when it does occur in the mind.
According to WHO, suicide is a global phenomenon. About 800,000 people die due to suicide every year and there are many more who attempt suicide. Millions of people are affected or experience suicide bereavement every year. Suicide occurs throughout the lifespan and is the second leading cause of death among 15-29 year olds globally. For each adult who died of suicide (like my neighbour) there may have been more than 20 others (like me) attempting suicide. Those are some sad statistics.
Risk factors
If you suspect anyone trying to attempt suicide:
1) Ask
If you think someone might be suicidal, ask them directly "Are you thinking about suicide?" Don’t be afraid to do this, it shows you care and will actually decrease their risk because it shows someone is willing to talk about it. Make sure you ask directly and unambiguously.
2) Listen and stay with them
If they say 'yes', they are suicidal, listen to them and allow them to express how they are feeling. Don’t leave them alone. Stay with them or get someone else reliable to stay with them.
3) Get help
Get them appropriate help. Call a crisis line if life is in danger. If you can get in straight away visit a GP or psychologist. Even if the danger is not immediate they may need longer term support for the issues that led to them feeling this way.
~ ~ ~
As I wrapped up this blog post, I once again heard the screams of the grief-stricken mother who just received the casket containing the embalmed body of her daughter.
Next month, I'll be done with one year of coursework. The six months after that will be spent on independent research with no more lectures or exams. And if everyone in class finishes their research projects on time (which is unlikely), we'll all meet again on graduation day in 2018.
Hurrah?
I think not.
I'm really going to miss my crazy classmates and the good times we had/ have during classes. I'm feeling a sense of dread and sadness when I think it's all going to be over in a few week's time. Even though the students are serious people during week days doing serious jobs like being lecturers, teachers, guest speakers, chemists, assistant directors, etc, during the weekend, it's a completely different story.
During the weekend, these same people are throwing things at each other, poking fun at each other, laughing like jackasses, plucking fruits from trees in the campus, poking each other with compasses, taking blackmail-worthy photos of other students sleeping for example, passing food while the lecturers turn their backs on the class, etc. Each different type of personality makes some contribution which makes the class a colourful and fun place to be (and if they don't contribute, they are automatically qualified as guinea pigs for the others to prey on). It's no wonder I fit in comfortably with this lot, despite coming from a slightly different background.
This really happens in postgraduate level classes
Being forced to spend about 14 hours every week for an year (except those weekends they closed down for strikes!), sharing food, sharing notes, sharing woes, copying each other's lab reports and assignments, attending class weddings, having each other's backs, uniting against injustices from the administration and going on field trips have made us closer. In a very recent incident, the eldest classmate, who we affectionately called "Big Brother" collapsed in class and died later in hospital. The incident shocked and shattered us, but in a profound way, the shared grief also made us closer.
They are a good bunch. Nearly all of them help with explaining concepts, notes and assignments (at the risk of bringing up the class average) without the slightest hint of reservation. This is one quality I found to be very strange. I recall in my undergraduate years, the student culture in that university didn't involve much sharing or approaching other students for help because of the highly competitive nature of the course.
Normally not one to display much emotion, I've subconsciously come to think of at least 75% of the batch as my children. I'm only younger than two of them. The youngest ones in class are eight years younger than I am. Every time they come to me for childish requests or guidance on things, I find my maternal instincts kicking in. Looking at their youthful eyes and potential, I constantly feel the urge to meddle in their personal affairs, open their minds to personal development possibilities they have not heard of, try to boost their sense of self-worth, feed them fruit and make sure they are not left behind in class. They are also quick to push me to the battlefront and line up behind me when they are too afraid to approach lecturers for certain requests or fear repercussions. Now on some level I realise they are using me, but I suppose I can let the small things pass.
Shuri, I think you are getting too soft with age.
Sometimes, I feel like this Possum mother. Seriously.
There are many professions I could have excelled at, such as environmentalist, zoo keeper, veterinarian, semi-failed writer, failed musician, auditor or detective. However, what I was really born to be is a record keeper who observes people, collects information and analyses patterns. While I have been attending one year of coursework in environmental science, I have also been storing information on the personal lives of nearly 23 people I met in class.
If someone were to walk into my mind, they would find a vault. In that vault are several hundred files of people, arranged according to the various circumstances I met them, for example, "Family", "School", "Undergraduate", "Masters", "Childhood", "Teachers", "2nd Job in Singapore", "Dubai", etc. Some files contain more information than others, but usually each file has a photograph, name, age, educational background, family history, career profile, likes, dislikes, temperament, skills, born talents, quality of childhood, specific life events of adversity, aspirations, hidden potential, areas of expertise, etc. Files will be updated with any new information that comes along, even if it is long after we no longer interact on a regular basis.
I am of the opinion that collecting such information is essential to make an overall quality assessment on the people I let into my world, appreciate them and help me figure out how best to interact with them.
Ah, there's robotic Shuri again.
Having to leave behind friends and move on is a recurring fact of life. Some friends keep returning to your life even after long gaps of absence. The wonderful memories collected will be archived in yet another vault. If I'm lucky, some friendships from this chapter will stick and continue to age like good wine.
I have never met a kid so passionate about something, having solid future plans to pursue his ambitions. Udara is a 11-year old. His ambition is to become a traditional Sri Lankan dancer/ drummer, despite his brother's expectations of him becoming a professional football player. Besides compulsively feeling the urge to tap his fingers on surfaces, he loves acquiring various types of traditional drums. Drums can be really loud but thankfully his mother is a patient soul who lets him practice at home.
There's always a huge smile plastered on this 11-year old's face
We came to know this family through my adopted brother. Udara's brother was his best friend in school and later, Udara's mother came to help my mother in the tofu business. His mother is a genuinely kind, caring and inspiring character. Since losing her husband to a cancer when Udara was 4 years old, she's gone through unimaginable hardships and challenges to give her two boys a good education. Things are slowing looking up for this family.
Her hard work paid off with her elder son who is now a full time professional footballer playing for the Sri Lankan Army. He realised at an early age after losing his father that a good education was the only way to support his mother and little brother. He managed to do well in his Grade 5 national exams and got a scholarship to one of the best government schools in Kandy. From then on, he's never looked back. Although he now lives far away and comes home only for the holidays, he's currently channeling his savings to renovate his house.
Udara's mother works two jobs which means Udara stays alone at home (with his dog Brownie) after school till she gets back at 9 pm. Many years of this routine has transformed Udara to an independent little person left to his own imagination and adventures. He cooks, makes various desserts he learns about from TV or other people, cleans the house, plays football, rears fish and turtles, goes for dancing and drumming classes, rides bicycle, goes grocery shopping on his own, etc. He also participates in various religious processions in the area, like the perahera of the Temple of the Tooth. He's a well known personality in his neighbourhood due to his sociability.
I was introduced to his 2nd freshwater turtle recently
This family is very close to us as we are to them. They are usually the first responders if someone in our family gets sick. We exchange gifts for New Year, share food and go on trips together.
I suspect Udara has a "big sister crush" on me since he completely adores me. He loves coming over to our place and constantly invites me to his place to show his tortoises, fish and this collection of drums, play carrom and ride the bicycle. He happily accompanies me on my "Garden Adventures" to spot birds, tiny reptiles and other animals. While we look for birds high up on the trees, he narrates various stories he's heard from other people. Recently, we invited him to go watch a movie and he told us later that it was his first time in a theater and that he was very thankful for the invitation. I can't tell if it's his upbringing or background which has made him an extremely thoughtful little kid and gentlemanly manners.
The family hopes that he will give his studies as much interest as he gives to his drumming and dancing. I personally think he can do anything he puts his heart into.
Sometimes, even small people can be a big source of inspiration.
