The essence of new year traditions

Earlier in April, we celebrated our traditional New Year in Sri Lanka. This day is signified astrologically by the Sun's transition from the House of Pisces to the House of Aries. On this special event, the people who celebrate get into a frenzy of shopping for gifts, cleaning their homes, making/ buying sweets, following the traditions prescribed at auspicious times and preparing to visit and receive relatives and friends. All this excitement makes people generally happier and nicer to associate with.

Of course, what it really is (or is becoming), is a series of symbolic rituals because our livelihoods have changed much from what it was in the ancient times and the actions carry much lesser meanings. Maybe our grandparents actually believed in superstitions and meanings behind the new year customs they carried out. Their respect for these rituals stemmed more from a fear of consequences of not following it. Maybe even our parents believe those to a lesser extent. My parents' respect for these rituals stems more from a sense of responsibility to impart the knowledge and belief systems to their children. But down the line of generations, it's becoming more of a cultural/ fashionable thing to uphold as a member of a particular race. Like, I don't believe that not boiling a pot of milk at the auspicious time will not bring prosperity; I don't particularly believe that prosperity is linked to a simple action like that. Similarly, many other things like exchanging cash for the new year with some people will result in better or less fortunes. Or facing east, when we are asked to face north when lighting the hearth would make a difference.

This year, we boiled the milk over a hearth too. I was thrilled to see the milk boil over.

The excuse of the new year and the traditions that surround it, bring people together. Relatives we haven't met in a long while gather and enjoy meals and chats together, like they never lost any time or had any disagreements. Their children and children of their children meet each other and learn to play together. The customs dictate that you go house to house and deliver trays of sweets. Lunch and dinner invitations are exchanged. Gifts are exchanged among family members. The customs also require elders performing certain rituals for the younger ones like applying herbal oils on the head. There's usually new year games which are organised in villages and prizes to be won. In this way, social bonds are strengthened through the new year traditions. For this reason alone, I feel the need to participate and keep at least some of the traditions alive.

After all, what would happen if no one followed it or participated? Our lives will be duller and a lot more isolated from our familial roots.

Our table of new year delights! Lots of sweetness and fatty food - like with any other festival

This was the second new year I celebrated with my parents after a long gap of 11 years of being overseas. I feel blessed to be able to enjoy moments like these with my parents, knowing that these are numbered. 

Due to the abundance of food in this season, food is usually passed on (oops, was I not supposed to say this?!). What we receive from one house like biscuit packs and cake boxes, flow to another house during the visiting rounds. Gifts, too, are usually generic (like towels, sarongs, cloth material, cosmetics, soap, etc) and pass around while doing visiting rounds. In the end, although we are left with little material gains, we have generated a lot of satisfaction, having practiced generosity and good will!

This gift I received from the little drummer boy for our pond was not something I could pass on

New year is a horrifying time for pets and other wildlife in the area. There is a constant exploding sound of festive firecrackers, much like a war zone. Our dogs spent most of the new year day moody, frightened and under the beds and without appetite. This year, my brother had stocked up on firecrackers early. Next year, I told him we should do without firecrackers. 

With that festive event behind us, we are back to our normal lives, snacking on leftover sweets for tea.

Lessons learnt from the B&B: 2 years on

Our family just completed 2 years of running a Bed & Breakfast/ home stay. Looking back, we realise that we stepped into this venture quite blindly, which is not advisable at all when starting a new business. Due to lack of experience, we did no prior market research or risk assessment. However, we've learnt a thing or two along the way.

We are still a no-profit business with 7 more years to go on our loan repayments. Essentially, still in the danger zone. Amid challenges and ongoing improvements, we've come to enjoy certain aspects of this little family business. Meeting open-minded people from various cultural backgrounds in various parts of the world have been interesting and rewarding. Hosting and being hospitable gives a warm feeling of satisfaction. A few guest-host relationships have progressed into good friendships.

I've even found my parents' thinking and perceptions changing and expanding slowly.

Shuri: Mom, this guest has an interesting profile. He does a lot of social work in health with vulnerable communities and seems to have an impressive educational background.
Mom: Then he's ideal for you.
Shuri: I think he might be gay.
Mom: No, I meant ideal for the type of projects you do for work.
Shuri: (Embarrassed for walking into that trap, impressed by her wittiness AND her indifference to sexual orientation). Oh. *mind blows*.

Mom: Don't you want to find a partner like the type of backpacker couples that come here?
Shuri: What type is that?
Mom: They seem genuinely happy, are loving towards each other and enjoy traveling without the extra baggage of kids and being overly attached to their jobs and maintaining houses.
Shuri: Yeah, that would be nice.

Of course, not all guest experiences are rosy.

Once, a guest left at the end of his stay without payment. Some are difficult to please and expect 5-star facilities and services for a low budget, some guests leave negative reviews despite our best efforts to keep them comfortable and we've had to bear small damages to property sometimes (because we noticed it after the guests left).

Like a cascade effect, several people and businesses around us have stood to benefit from our business. For example, Kumudu, our helper with housekeeping has a better paying job now for less tiring work (compared to her previous job). Another lady who earns a living by running a grocery store and making string hoppers receives orders from us. The bakery in our neighbourhood has increased sales for sliced bread. Many other grocery stores benefit from our purchases for the B&B supplies. Another family nearby provides accommodation to drivers who bring some of our guests. Take-out restaurants in the area benefit from the increased number of orders from tourists. Many tuk tuk drivers in the area benefit from offering transport and tours to our guests.

Our operations team has also evolved over time to take up various fitting roles, depending on each one's interests, abilities and availability:

Mom - Guest Relations, Chef, Local Buyer, Head of Housekeeping
Dad - Finance, Tours and Transport, Repairs and Maintenance, Garden and Garden Harvests
Bro - Transport, Repairs and Maintenance
Sister - Overseas Buyer
Nicky, our dog - Assistant Guest Relations Officer
Shuri - Hotel Reservations, Human Resources, Records Administrator, Consultant, Naturalist, Quality Control, Marketing, Innovation, Sustainability

Shu's titles boils down to these actually:

Hotel Reservations (making sure the booking calendar doesn't clash with accidental double bookings and responding to inquiries from guests and potential guests), Human Resources (managing people when they become difficult including family, keeping them happy and motivated, and resolving disputes), Records Administrator (meticulously filing, collecting data in spreadsheets and carrying out analyses), Consultant (having to provide information for family friends and others who want advice with starting their own home stays), Naturalist (attempting to generate interest in the environment and wildlife), Quality Control (nitpicking and throwing fits when standards fall - the family hates having me around for weekends for this reason), Marketing (showing off our property listing online and trying to "seduce" guests into booking with us), Innovation (trying out new and wacky ideas, because no one's there to stop it), Sustainability (trying to be environmentally friendly and ethical to the best extent possible).

Sri Lanka is an increasingly popular destination for international travelers and expatriates who return home to visit friends and relatives. In 2013, Lonely Planet nominated Sri Lanka as the #1 destination in the world to visit. In 2015, Forbes Magazine ranked the island among the “Top Ten Coolest Countries” to visit. Condé Nast Traveler, Rough Guides, Lonely Planet, The Guardian, and the New York Times identified Sri Lanka as a top location to visit in 2016. In 2017, guests from 39 countries stayed at our B&B (up from 26 in 2016).

Travel trends in Sri Lanka are seasonal. Six months of the year are considered the high season according to the national statistics; January, February, March, July, August and December.

National Statistics

According to the Annual Statistical Report 2016 of the Sri Lanka Tourism Tourism Development Board, the average occupancy is 74.76% while the hill country (which we belong to) records 75.24%. However, we still have a long way to go in matching the national statistics. And theoretically, it's difficult to match since we can't employ full-time permanent staff yet and we close operations when the family needs time off.

Statistics from our B&B for 2016 and 2017

Here are some of our lessons learnt, two years on:

1. Don't let the competition intimidate you

The Sri Lanka Tourism Development Board (SLTDA) actively promotes locals to open their homes to tourists. They use annual visitor statistics to back this. The result is an unregulated bloom of tourist guesthouses, home stays and apartments in all the major cities of Sri Lanka. We don't have an accurate count of such establishments in our city (not all are registered with SLTDA), but we estimate there are close to 500 in our city alone. While competition can give tourists attractive rates and a range of options to choose from, the competition hurts many businesses, especially those who have made big initial investments. In comparison, banks, which readily provide high interest loans to homeowners for tourism services, and the tourist board itself, which collects a registration fee and an annual license from registered tourist establishments, stand at an advantage.

Despite all this, using constructive criticism to one's advantage, being confident in your own unique brand (despite what your competitors do), experimenting with new ideas without fear, seeking advice from experts, and continuously thinking of creative ways to enhance guest experiences are some of the things that will help the business stay in the game.


2. It is a lot of hard work. Having a good team helps a lot. 

It's round-the-clock work, especially during tourist peak season - which is about 4 months in the year for us. We now have extra help with housekeeping. Still, managing calendars, responding to guest inquiries, arranging transport and tours, doing the breakfast service, shopping, paying bills, maintenance of facilities and managing accounts requires time.

Given the level of coordination required, a good team and good communication is a must. They must be trustworthy and capable. Managing the team involves identifying each other's strengths, quirks and the little things that drive them.

It's my parents, mostly my mom, who run the show at our B&B. It helps that she's the only pure extrovert in the family. As an unintended impact, we seem to have grown closer as a family and improved in our communication while running the operations of this B&B.


3. Reviews can make you or break you 

Everyone these days checks online reviews for travel recommendations, hotel reservations and tour operators. True enough, that's the most reliable feedback out there. Bygone are the days when tourism operators and establishments can hoodwink tourists with a lack of transparency in dealings. Modern tourists are well informed through various travel aides and experienced with travel. And as a responsible traveler, it has become one's obligation to leave honest feedback online for the benefit of others. This has made the world smaller and traveling a bit safer, which is good.

A guest review is final and permanent as far as hotel listings go. At times, maintaining ratings is like having to maintain an outstanding report card in school. Slacking will affect ratings and therefore sales.

What it means for service providers is that they will be held strictly accountable for their attitude, quality of service and facilities. This is where things like genuineness, empathy and attention to details scores the brownie points. Most important of all, we have to understand that our guests are people who, just like us, expect honesty and clear communication.

~ ~ ~ 

We don't know what the future holds for our B&B, but we'll try to make it a good one.



References:

Sri Lanka Tourism Strategic Plan 2017-2020. Downloaded on 6th January 2018 from http://www.sltda.lk/sites/default/files/tourism-strategic-plan-2017-to-2020.pdf 

Annual Statistical Report 2016. Downloaded on 6th January 2018 from http://www.sltda.lk/sites/default/files/annual-statical-report-2016.pdf

Parting with a pet

In life, we are faced with a choice: do we create new emotional attachments with other beings knowing very well that one day we have to part with them, or do we run away from it altogether to avoid the the pain that follows loss?

Exactly, an year ago, we were forced to adopt two kittens that were abandoned by the roadside. Although we asked around, no one was willing to adopt them.

So they came to live with us. We had to give a little extra care in the beginning to help them adjust to their life without a mother.  

They had a strong will to live. It helped that they had each other. Soon they were feeding normally.

There was plenty of love in our home coming from humans, dogs and other cats. The kittens grew up happy despite not having their biological mother around. 

Our female dog Lea took a liking to the kittens and soon took over the role of "mother". We were relieved. It was endearing to watch Lea clean them, play with them and watch them as they slept. Time and time again, we felt that the saying "He's/ She's worse than an animal" was an unfair one - for animals. Animals on many occasions display similar altruism as (altruistic) humans do.

To a certain extent, the cats probably thought they were dogs too. For example, while cats have a habit of covering up their poo, these kittens never covered up - because their dog guardians didn't.

Grandma Kitty (in the center) once reached her limit of patience seeing that the dog mother was not doing a proper job of bringing up two young cats. So she also took turns in cleaning the kittens and teaching them to hunt. 

Today, a mother lost a child. She's devastated for the moment, but we hope she'll heal in time and come back to her usual self. More than the grief of losing the cat, we are more saddened to see how the grief not only affects us, but our other pets too. 

Today, a sibling bond was broken too. The black and white cat, who we call "Chuti Kitty" (meaning little kitty), will never have her playmate and companion again. She still appears confused over the loss. 

Animals feel, like us. They develop attachments, like us. They feel fear and they feel pain, also like us. 

As with any death, we begin to wonder if we could have done anything better. 

With humans, we wonder if we could have treated the person better while they were alive. Maybe we didn't appreciate them enough. Maybe we should have said we loved them more times than we did. Maybe we should have forgiven the small shortcomings and let go of the grudges, because in the end it doesn't make sense to hold on to those. Maybe we regret the hurtful words we used on them. 

Similar thoughts crossed our mind too. Should we have not scolded her as much as we did? Should we have given her more food when she demanded extra food? Should we have kept her indoors on the night she was hit by a vehicle outside our gate? Could someone have saved her in the dead of the night when Lea barked frantically? We don't know if any of that could have changed the outcome. 

Rest in peace (Dec 2016 - Jan 2018)

Preeny, you will be missed by everyone at home. In the short time we had you, you brought us much joy and many memories.

Once again, we wowed not to take in any more new pets.

A closer look at a double-edged sword

“All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,

Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.

Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel

And shining morning face, creeping like snail

Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,

Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad

Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,

Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,

Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,

Seeking the bubble reputation

Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,

In fair round belly with good capon lined,

With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,

Full of wise saws and modern instances;

And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts

Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,

With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;

His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide

For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,

Turning again toward childish treble, pipes

And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,

That ends this strange eventful history,

Is second childishness and mere oblivion,

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.”

- William Shakespeare

Facebook, too, is a "stage" of sorts.

My life force appears to be plugged to the performing arts on this Facebook stage! I am a moderator of four Facebook pages, I am a member of over ten closed (interest) groups and then there's the management of the social aspect. Every moment of vacant self-awareness I have, I feel the urge to step into the Facebook universe. I look to it to be constantly entertained, validated and fed with information. If I don't log into Facebook, I feel like I've lost my crutches or forgotten my pills. "Liking" certain posts feels obligatory, but like the social rules in any society we live in, participation is a requirement. As citizens of this new social universe - which has no geographical boundaries - we have to let the world know what we see, what we do, where we go, what we eat, what we think and what we tell our closest people.

Sounds crazy? It should. And it's very stressful to both the party that feels obliged to keep reporting their life events and the party that has to react after getting bombarded with information about other people's lives. 

Smart phones replaced diaries, calendars, alarm clocks, cameras, calculators, GPS devices, pagers, radios, televisions, voice recorders, newspapers, books, albums, snail mail, typewriters, computers, modems, internet cafes, communication centres and even secretaries. Now we don't even have to step outside the home to get tasks like going to the bank, going to an IT store to get software and going to a clothing store done. Similarly, Facebook has also brought convenience to our increasingly sedentary lifestyles. Maintaining social interactions, sending out greetings and sympathies, staying up to date with the latest news and entertainment, getting instant feedback on questions, gossiping, making new friends, spying on the lives of others, checking out potential love interests, joining various interest groups, fighting for causes, getting worked up over silly things that others post, finding something to laugh about, showing off and maintaining an "image" (almost always a positive one) is like a full time job. Facebook has over 2 billion active users as of 2017. Leaving out pseudo accounts and duplicate accounts, that still counts for a lot!

Hahaha.. yeah.

For example, let's take my profile. Now I use "Nomad. Shutter bug. Dreamer. Tree-hugger. Scribbler. Stalker of bugs" as an introduction to my profile. In real terms, it actually translates to "Mostly homeless and lives from a suitcase. Knows only how to take photographs in Auto-mode of the camera. Easily distracted, possibly suffering from adult ADHD. Dislikes humans in general and constantly reminds them to protect nature. Struggling writer. Stalker of bugs (this is true)."

Up until a few weeks ago, I used a quote I had ripped off from the internet "Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." This quote attempts to give the impression that I am an avid traveler who's not afraid of taking risks and moving out of comfort zones, and preaches others to do the same. This is not entirely true. To compliment this quote, my cover photo boasts one of me sitting calmly on the edge of a rocky cliff, looking into a deep valley, surrounded by stunning scenery.

What actually went on moments before I took that photo kind of went like this:

Me to Bro: Hey, can walk over to that cliff and take a photo of me sitting on this cliff? Then I can take a cool one of you standing on that cliff.

Bro: Okay.

Me: (inches to the edge of the cliff, as close as my nerves would allow) Okay, let me know when you are ready. And for goodness sake, be careful.

Bro: Okay I'm ready.

Me: (Poses) Did you take me with the whole scenery? Don't zoom into my face. Take another one!!

Bro: Okay, I took another one.

Me: Is it good?

Bro: Yes.

Me: Okay, now let me take yours.

See? Not as dramatic as the photo depicts.

Then comes maintenance of this "image" of "I am a cool, single girl, enjoying a carefree life, traveling, helping communities, fighting to protect nature, plays the violin, following my dreams and nothing can possibly go wrong". Truth is, I am as insecure as other girls out there (only varying in the degree of insecurity). I sometimes wonder if the life choices I made are good ones. I feel lonely occasionally. Traveling is not 100% fun (maybe just 70-90%) and it involves certain inconveniences, which we hardly mention on Facebook. If someone were to ask me to play a piece on the violin, I would freak out because I have no practice and no confidence or skill for an outstanding solo performance. Helping communities is also not so clear cut; sometimes they don't want to be helped, sometimes NGO's play out on grant money instead of helping communities, observing positive results of project work can take a long time and sometimes projects don't have the expected progress. Sometimes, it feels we use vulnerable people to boost our good samaritan image online.

In a paper published in 1986, psychologists Hazel Rose Markus and Paula Nurius claimed that a person has two selves; the “now self” and the “possible self”. The possible self is what we would like to become, what we could become, and what we are afraid of becoming. Social media platforms allow a person to become their possible self, or at least present a version of themselves that is closer to it.

After a photo or anything else is posted, any Facebook notification on the phone tempts me to go see what it is about. "Is it a "Like" for what I posted??" or "Did someone comment on it??" or "What did they say??" or "How many "Likes" did my post get?" or "How come I get more likes for pictures of me but less for something decent and thought provoking that I said??".  If  there are no notifications, I think "It's been about 2 hours, why hasn't anyone reacted to it?" or "Could I have posted something offensive?".

Some friends are opposed to having their photos posted on Facebook. Although they pose in all the photos with the group during the event, which in their mind is normal like in the 90's, they don't like their photos posted on social media. This situation can make a serial Facebook poster annoyed. "If you didn't want your face on Facebook, then WHY ON EARTH DID YOU POSE WITH US?". To be fair, a non-poster would not comprehend the level of desperation in people who want to publish everything that happens in their lives. 

I am not always needy for Facebook attention. Sometimes, I want my posts to be informative and carry a deeper message. Sometimes, I want people to be inspired and more appreciative of nature through the things I capture on camera. 

However, in a list of x number of Facebook friends, a significant number of them (me included) will post perfect family/ couple photos all the time, couples expressing their love for each other on a regular basis in front of the Facebook audience, people posing with their newly purchased luxury vehicles, holidays, travels, food, animals in their garden, promotions, various phases of their pregnancies leading to birth and growth of the child afterwards, how many kilometers they ran in the morning on which jogging route, parents announcing the many achievements of their children and some announcing illnesses and personal tragedies. Truth is, although some of our closest friends and family might be genuinely interested in our posts (or pretend to be), most people are not really interested in our lives, as much as we want them to be/ think them might be.

Facebook, the thoughtful application it is, has an "unfollow" option to stop following friends who keep sending a lot of unnecessary information to the news feed. Admittedly, I have "unfollowed" many Facebook friends to improve the quality of my news feed, but it's always work in progress to weed out people who may appear sensible and stable at first but break out into narcissists and attention seekers later.

The dark side to Facebook addiction, in addition to making us vulnerable to media bias and a tendency to tempt us to exercise deceit (exaggeration, if you may), is that our lives can stagnate in a superficial layer of skewed reality. According to this guy, even our self-talk can become too negative when bombarded with superficial information:

I feel that the connection I had with my deeper layers of thinking, which probably inspired and stimulated some of my blog posts in the past, has become somewhat severed. I wonder if my increasing occupation with Facebook has anything to do with it.

A good indicator of Shuri's brain function (for analytical thinking and focus) over the years. But hey, I think it's making a slow comeback!

Facebook and other social media can contribute to healthy relationships which are usually hindered by factors like distance and time differences. It can also be a massive source of information, social support and networks that can advance human potential. However, the biggest worry about Facebook is the tendency to be addictive and psychologically manipulative. Addictions can impair normal life, give additional stress, make people less productive, less healthy, less aware of their physical surroundings, trigger depression and, make people disengage with reality, meaningful relationships (with people who are near them) and other hobbies. If not used in a careful manner, Facebook also has the ability to stunt human potential.

People: Kumudu

My mother has a new helper who comes and helps us with housekeeping and making tofu. With me moving to the city to do a job and being occupied on weekends with my Master's research project, I can no longer help with housekeeping and guest welcoming activities at our Bed & Breakfast. The lady who used to help my mother earlier with making tofu no longer needed this second part time job since her elder son is now able to support her and her younger son.

The new helper is a lady in the village called Kumudu. On first impressions, she's very obese, moves slowly, is very chatty and has a hoarse but kind voice. She has a strong air of negativity around her, always speaking of her poverty, loans she has to pay off, family problems, health problems and a myriad of other problems. She also makes bad decisions in life, mostly by trusting people too much. She worked in Singapore as a domestic helper for several years, but she used up all her savings for various family issues. The last house she worked in didn't pay her several months of salary but Kumudu left the country and never followed up/ didn't know how to follow up. She also send an agent money for a life insurance for 3 years while she was abroad, but it seems this agent is now on the run and Kumudu does not have her money. Wherever she goes, she is very prone to exploitation because of her poverty, non-assertiveness, ignorance and tendency to trust people.

This is her story, as we've gathered over time.

When she was 16 years old and going to school, she was stalked and hounded by a boy in the village not much older than she was. He was a boy with a bad reputation and bad temper. He persisted in trying to gain her attention and even insisted to her mother on wanting to marrying her. Kumudu remembers being scared but for her, an alternate universe where she had choice in making decisions about her life did not exist. Even though the mother tried to stop it, the boy's mother had begged Kumudu's mother to let him have Kumudu and that she'll protect Kumudu because he had been torturing his own mother about it. Eventually, Kumudu's mother, for lack of better options in their poverty-striken lives, gave Kumudu away to go live with him.

The legal marriageable age in Sri Lanka according to the law (this excludes Muslims, who are subject to the Muslim Law which has no minimum age for marriage) is 18 years.

For the first few weeks of Kumudu moving into the boy's house, the boy's mother had protected Kumudu and slept with her. Eventually, the boy grew impatient and demanded that Kumudu sleep with him. We can safely assume that on the first day, a frightened 16 year old girl was raped while having no clue about sexual intercourse. Again, for her, an alternate universe where she had equal rights to gain pleasure from sexual intimacy never existed/ exists.

Stories like these are common in families of this socioeconomic status. Life does go on, and Kumudu went on to have four children. Her four children are married and now Kumudu has a total of twelve grandchildren, all of whom she adores. Her husband is engaged in many vices; drinking, smoking, taking drugs, gambling, extra-marital affairs and domestic violence. There's hardly been a day of joy or relief in Kumudu's life. Despite many health issues, she now works 4 part time odd jobs cleaning houses, pasting envelopes, making paper bags and selling tea leaves to make ends meet because her husband fails to contribute. In the past she's worked overseas and even worked in a quarry breaking up stones to be able to send her children to school. She also contributes most of her earnings for her grandchildren's well-being (education and food) because some of their parents are unable to make ends meet. Kumudu is therefore in a state of constant debt and poverty.

Kumudu has one son who's taken after his father. He drives a tuk tuk for his daytime job, he also uses drugs and gambles. Although he has a good wife (who gets along with Kumudu so well, which is not very common in a mother-in law and daughter-in-law relationship) and four children, he comes home drunk a lot, loses his temper and beats the living daylights off his wife. His children watch. Some days Kumudu says she can't sleep when her son or husband is late to come home because she's afraid of what is going to happen when the men arrive. She mostly fears not for herself, but for her daughter-in-law.

I once met her daughter-in-law. She's a pretty thing with a big smile and four children. No one would think that behind that smile lies so much misery.

When we need to contact Kumudu, we have to call her son to arrange it. Kumudu and her daughter-in-law do not own mobile phones. Their husbands have forbidden it, out of fear that their wives will call other men or have extra-marital affairs. Kumudu's daughter-in-law is forbidden to leave the house except for certain trips that her husband approves. She helps her mother-in-law with pasting envelopes and making paper bags from home. Kumudu is allowed to go work but she has a curfew. If she is not home be a certain time, she has to explain herself or get beaten.

Up until recently, Kumudu worked in another house for several days in the week. The woman there was nasty. Kumudu was expected to handwash the whole family's clothes, help with cooking, feed and look after a heavy toddler, and clean the house for a full day's salary of 600 rupees (USD 4). Often, she was too sick from joint and back pains to go to work the next day. Kumudu had once, as a desperate measure, taken a personal loan of 6000 rupees (40 USD) from the woman of this house. In an attempt to keep Kumudu bound to the job for a very long time, the woman refused to deduct more that Rs 100 (USD 0.70) from the loan amount for each day worked. She's still trying to pay it off.

Some of Kumudu's grandchildren have various problems in school. They have been associated with drugs, cigarettes, stealing, fights, boys bullying girls and girls seeking the attention of boys. My mother asked Kumudu to send the older kids for a discussion session once a week. I've observed my mother trying to get close to them by talking to them about good behaviour and doing fun activities like making various types of food. They like coming over to our house. She insists that these children can be saved from leading dysfunctional lives like their parents with proper intervention.

Kumudu also believes that the only chance for her grandchildren to escape poverty is to study well. That's why she spends nearly all her savings on them. She's unaware that these grandchildren most likely will also carry forward destructive habits and behaviours they have observed from their parents and grandparents. The boys will adopt misogynistic attitudes in this patriarchal society. The girls will accept their submissive female roles in society and ignorantly bring up their sons to feel superior.

It appears to be vicious cycle.

I've asked my mother if anything can be done to help these women get out of this cycle of abuse. We could call the police, we discussed, but our anonymity may not be maintained. Worst case, Kumudu and her grandchildren maybe forbidden to visit our house. We could talk to our village in-charge (Grama Niladhari) and see if anything can be done. She's a lady so maybe she will have the compassion to get involved and try to solve this problem. There's also the chairman of the village welfare society, who we plan to get advice from. He's a man. If he doesn't believe that husbands have a right to beat and discipline their wives once in a while, he may be willing to help.

Domestic violence is surprisingly too common here. It is widely believed that domestic disputes should be settled at home and wife beating is ‘part and parcel of married life’. In fact, a local saying suggests that "there are three things you can beat: the dog, the drum and the woman". A new report released in October 2017 estimates that 60 per cent of women in Sri Lanka will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lifetimes. For some, the violence appears bound to the country’s increasing levels of male alcoholism. Drinking-related issues are more than twice as common in Sri Lanka than across the rest of South Asia. For others, it’s linked to drugs (recent countrywide figures suggest there are over 45,000 regular users of heroin).

For some women, this is a normal part of married life

In 2005, Sri Lanka enacted the Prevention of Domestic Violence Act (PDVA) No 34 of 2005. However, it is not 100% effective in protecting victims of domestic violence. Even though the penal code classifies violence as a criminal act, the PDVA does not criminalise the beating of one’s spouse. It only protects the victim by way of a Protection Order which is only valid for one year, after which the victim is made vulnerable once again. If the protection order is violated by the abuser, the court may order a fine not exceeding 10,000 rupees (USD 65) or sentence imprisonment not exceeding one year. The support systems for women are weak or non-existent. There are no mechanisms in place to provide the victim with medical care, economic support until they are able to support themselves and assistance in caring for their children or ensuring that the children are not abducted after school by the abusive husband. Marital rape is also not considered ‘rape’ in Sri Lanka's penal code. 

Given all these facts, most women choose to stay in abusive relationships without seeking help from the law. They keep running back to their abusers because of codependency issues and/or fear of social stigma. The power imbalance in these relationships is so great and added with sustained emotional abuse over time, these women are convinced there is no way out.  If there are children involved, they see no future where they can survive without a husband/ father figure in this society. After a while, even neighbours, relatives and friends become immune to known cases of repeated domestic violence. At times, the best advice they can offer is to "try to work things out with your husband". At other times, well-wishers realise that the victim does not want to attempt to break free from the abuser so they give up any efforts to help. In reality, breaking free is not as easy as it sounds.

So what can a victim really do?

Abusers have emotional control over their victims. It is unlikely that a victim's first thought is to get help from the Police. The authorities can't put the abusers away for a long period of time. Existing laws don't enable the authorities to do that.

Will the authorities be able to guarantee these women long term protection? Assuming the abusers are locked up for one incident, what happens when they return from imprisonment? Are they not going to hurt their wives even more as revenge? Perhaps in a fit of rage, they can even attempt to kill these women. Do the authorities do regular follow up checks to ensure the abusers are not repeating the abuse?

Can any form of reformative training change the abusive habit patterns of these men? No one knows. Even if it was successful, it's not implemented here.

For the moment, it appears that victims of domestic violence in Sri Lanka have not much choice but to embrace their ill fate.

Kumudu's spirit of survival, in the harsh circumstances that life has given her, is noteworthy.

The Sunday Classifieds

According to my weekly routine, I took the early morning train this morning to make the 2hr 45mins journey from home to office. Train journeys are my favourite. I can hardly sleep while traveling by train because looking out the window (at green paddy fields, paddy farmers at work, birds and other scenery), reading a book in solitude, listening to music or being lost in thought feels so good and therapeutic. I actually feel a bit disheartened when I get closer to the alighting station (unless I really have to use a toilet!).

As I neared my office, I got a message from the boss saying that the office is not yet ready (we shifted last week) so we have to take today and tomorrow off.

Hurrah!

Not sure what to do with myself, I contemplated taking the big red tour bus (mostly for tourists) for sightseeing around the city of Colombo. Or a 2 hr trip to the Galle Fort for some photography. Or a visit to the Butterfly Garden at Moratuwa. In the end, I decided to stay in and relax because last weekend at home was hectic and I could do with some rest.

After downing half a bag of chips, I ate a large bar of Bounty chocolate followed by instant noodles for lunch (small joys of having a day off in solitude). Then my Aunty gave me a newspaper clipping about a newly opened Mangrove Museum that she had saved for me. After I was done reading and when I turned the page over, I stumbled on the "Marriage Proposals" section and discovered I had hit a gold mine (of entertainment).

Out of a total of 107 advertisements, 60 belonged to people, mostly parents, trying to "auction" their daughters to a prospective groom. 47 belonged to people, again mostly parents, who tried to attract a trophy wife for their supposedly perfect son. It appears there is a surplus of females in the marriage market, compared to males.

The first thing that strikes (a cynical) one who reads these is the overwhelming amount of showing off required to pitch one's son or daughter of marriageable age to a potential partner. Next is how most are marketed like perfect people who have good height, looks, character, excellent qualifications, are endowed with wealth, etc. Mind, these high marriage expectations are mostly those of the parents and not necessarily of their children to be married. There were even hints of embarrassment by parents whose daughters though well educated, were a little older.

Here are some of Shuri's picks from a "Marriage Proposals" section in a Sri Lankan newspaper. It really is a good reflection of how people of Sri Lanka feel about arranged marriages.

It sounds almost as if the parents are apologetic because their daughter had to study too long and because she's older now (but thank goodness she looks "younger than her age"!). Also "we pat ourselves on the back for finding a medical doctor wife for our PhD son, through an advertisement like this!"

Somehow, the parents can confidently vouch for their son's abstinence from alcohol and all other "vices" that young men are tempted into these days. Also, the mother wants a daughter who is 75% about the looks ("fair, pretty and slim") and 25% about brains ("academically qualified").

Did he just call himself "smart"?

We are richhh.

Hailing from a very famous family, devoid of all vices and looking for a very beautiful daughter.

Oh dear, the poor boy has been cursed because of his parents planets! 

Tip: Age, height and adjectives on looks should appear before educational qualifications when marketing your daughter.

Did the mother just humiliate her daughter in public media by calling her "bit chubby"? Does the daughter even know about this? (Probably not).

 Don't worry, she's 38 but looks only 25. I wonder if these parents who are embarrassed by the age and looks of their daughter managed to instill a healthy level of self-esteem in their daughter while she grew up. Again, probably not.

Only 1 out of 107 advertisements humanised the subject of the advertisement by adding a line about her interests. Whew.

To be fair, an advertisement with very little information also rouses suspicion. "Is he a murderer who killed off the people who were previously contributing to his encumbrances?"

With increasing mobility and scattering of people around the globe, there is more isolation of certain nationalities in foreign lands. For conservative families that want to retain their cultural roots by dictating the terms of marriage for their children, arranged marriages are perhaps the only way forward. And it is almost statistically impossible for people of marriageable age to find partners on their own who fulfill the marriage criteria set by their parents. To sieve through so many marriage proposal advertisements to find a match and then do the formalities after an initial match is found (leading to wedding, if successful) are extremely tedious tasks. Most Asian parents willingly go through this obligation with much devotion, patience and hope to ensure a happily ever after for their children. Else, they see it as a failure of their duties as parents and a conservative society will keep reminding them should they fail. Parents at this stage don't see what all the fuss from their children is (to agree to a good match) after all the trouble they took to ensure that the compatibility of the two persons (measured by caste, religion, socioeconomic factors and astrology) had the highest possible score. 

Personally, I see nothing wrong with an arranged marriage if it is 1. consensual, 2. if marriage itself (and starting a family) were part of someone's goals in life, either by choice or by sticking to societal norms, and 3. passing down religious values, culture and traditions are an important aspect. After all, an arranged marriage is convenient, it comes with an extended warranty (from family, relatives and friends who vouched for the marriage), one can finally start a family of their own, there are good chances of succeeding in life financially because education, occupation and wealth factors were carefully considered from the initial stages and cultural roots can be maintained. Also, the concept of "falling in love" first (this being mainly emotion-driven) and giving secondary importance to other compatibility factors are not necessarily an assurance of a lasting marriage. In all cases of marriage (arranged and non-arranged), constant effort and contribution by both parties to keep the relationship healthy, is the only indicator of lasting success and happiness. 

Disclaimer: Shuri remains convinced that the idea of a marriage (for the sake of achieving a milestone) does not align with her priorities or goals in life. Although Shuri is fond of children and they seem to like her back, she is not entirely sure she wants 100% ownership of them or that she can manage the anxiety that will come with such a big responsibility (of ensuring their safety always and good character). Shuri is also aware that the possibility of remaining single to the end of her days requires resolve  - to tide through life's challenges without a dedicated companion, be an outcast in society and accept illness and death alone and gracefully as it comes - and she feels she can handle it. 

To believe or not

The other day, I called my mother frantically and told her, "MOTHER, I'M BURNING, WHAT SHOULD I DO???"

(I had a urinary tract infection and two painful styes in both eyes)

However old you get, you can never replace that comforting feeling you get from your mother, especially when you are sick. She calmed me down and gave a list of things to drink, if I could find them at that hour of the night; king coconut water, boiled cumin, boiled barley or aloe vera.

Then after I hung up, she called me up again a few times to add more things to the list.

"MOTHER CAN YOU STOP CALLING NOW I HAVE TO GO MAKE THE BARLEY QUICKLY. I'M BURNING?!" said I, sounding somewhat ungrateful.

Within a day of home remedies, my UTI and styes in both my eyes reduced significantly, something that the 5 days of antibiotics prior to that could not cure. Sure, it could be that it took time for the antibiotic course to finally act. However, once people in cultures like ours become desperate to get better, they tend to mix contemporary and traditional remedies at the same time (against medical advice), so usually, it is hard to conclude which remedy actually cured the disease.

The new and older generations differ in their opinions on traditional medicine like Ayurvedic medicine. The new generation prefers "western" medicine because it is fast acting (at least in curing the symptoms), scientifically proven, quantified with various modern diagnostic tests available to know the status of a disease. The older generation prefers time tested traditional medicine made of herbs and natural ingredients because even though they are slow acting and cumbersome to prepare, it gives little or no side effects and it takes a holistic approach to cure a disease by restoring the natural balance of the body (not by treating just one or more isolated symptoms). While some think that it could be a case of the "placebo effect" for traditional medicine, others swear by its goodness.

Astrology faces similar scrutiny from newer generations. Traditionally, astrology is an important part of our culture starting from the birth of a child, to puberty, to marriage, new businesses, building a new house and nearly every other special event in life. New generations tend to push off astrology as non-scientific and pure quackery! There are a significant amount of fraudsters that prey on the vulnerabilities of people to astrology to make quick bucks, but again like traditional medicine, many resort to it when things in life spiral out of control or fear takes over or because they don't want to take a chance (in case they were wrong not to believe in it!). Could planets actually affect one's personality and is one's destiny precomposed? That's a little hard to accept personally, however, I've found that the general personality descriptions of the astrological signs (e.g. Cancer, Rooster, etc) do seem to be applicable.

Image source: Cartoonstock

Another interesting phenomenon are people who claim to have divine powers to foresee the future or cure diseases that modern medicine can't. Some claim it's their dead family members or relatives that speak through them. Others claim it is someone divine that wishes to help people through them. My mother being a curious creature has been to various such people over the years through recommendations, and I have been dragged along quite unwillingly. When I was younger, I feared that these people would read my mind and expose the secrets I kept inside. As I got older, I wanted to challenge them to expose my secrets and try to observe what might be going on beyond the veil of faith. While it is hard to verify if there is any rational explanation to this occurrence, A skeptic like me would assume these people are good with reading body language of others, convincing speakers and clever in carving out a special niche for a profession. Also, it is easy to see how having a lot of followers can be a huge ego boost to these people, which may even make them mentally imbalanced and manipulative. On the other hand, if a tragedy strikes us, like seeing a loved one battle a terminal illness, we would push aside all our reservations and accept any paranormal miracle that promises a cure.

Intuition is another thing that is hard to explain with Science. That "gut feeling" telling you of things to do or not to do, which turns out to be right later. It is more convincing than superstition. It continues to guide us in the decisions we make in life, if we are sensitive enough to feel it. It might be a level of psychological sensitivity that is present more in some brain circuits than others.

People who believe, continue to believe. Whether it is religion, superstition, traditional medicine, astrology or paranormal phenomena - it is hard to convince people of the opposite of what they believe, even in the presence of evidence. Also, the belief levels of people in these things we can't explain tend to be in a varying scale. While some are hard core believers, others may be somewhere in the middle (like me) or completely disbelievers. Again, it appears so due to the nature of how people are psychologically wired.

Not counting factors like socioeconomic status, it is possible that our beliefs and rationality ratios change with the various stages of life. Older people tend to be more religious, superstitious and believing in the inexplicable. Maybe older people make peace with the conflict younger people have in whether to believe or not in these things. There is also the possibility that Science, as a growing field, is yet to uncover explanations for some of the things we find hard to believe at present.